In the past I drank until I stopped breathing...multiple times. Often I thought it was because I hated my environment. Perhaps that is all it was. What I hate more than anything else is senseless self destruction. It is weird how many times in the past I let the lure of artificial happiness nearly destroy me. What is even worse is that there was never any real goal in mind.

It may have been caused by a lack of faith in humanity, but it was my own lack of faith in humanity. It may have been caused by bad things happening in my family, but it is because I let things effect me in certain ways.

Even today if I went out and drank when I felt less than perfect I would stand a good chance at getting in some sort of trouble. In the past drinking had a purpose: the escape was fun and if I died - so long as it looked accidental - then that was a bonus too. I no longer have those desires, intentions, or goals.

My biggest problem today is a lack of focus and a lack of empathy and communication with most people. I like the web because it helps fill a portion of the large hollow gap that is my daily lack of social connection.

I generally distrust people and push people away if they get close or start to mean too much, and it is really shitty that I do that.

My point here is not real some in depth self analysis for people to read and call me nuts by. The point is trying to look at the root causes of problems. Acnowledging why things happen as they do.

I still have random unexplainable thoughts - that sometimes even last for days - for the most part though it is still my choice as to how I react to stuff.

When I think about the current "war on terrorism" it makes me sad. It makes me feel rather hopeless. But my feelings are not driven by "terrorists." My thoughts are driven by me.

What fills my mind with sorrowful thoughts is that I know there are powerful forces that are working hard to level the playing field between common man and successful people. Actually that is what makes me happy. What fills my mind with sorrow is the great extent people are going to in an attempt to try to prevent this from happening.

When you scare people they are more willing to do what you want them to. They are more willing to give in and look for external guidance. Make no mistake, the people running this country right now are not good people. Just take a glance at how many people have had to resign. That is not normal. There is something wrong going on here.

They are talking about moving the election in case of a terrorist attack during the election, but terrorists would have no reason to want to influence our election. This is actually what marketers call "point of action marketing." While you are in the booth they want you to think about terrorism and stopping terrorism.

The point of this whole rambling inward reflective (and yet another narcisistic) post is that I do not do well when I let other people or other things control my mind. Life naturally has ups and downs and when we look externally for quick solutions it is far easier to find problems. I do not want to die young because I can't handle that other people are horrible human beings.

Don't let other people control your mind. I am going to start trying my damn best to try to filter out the bullshit and negitive energies which occupy so much of my time.