September 29, 2007

Thoughts From Overseas

While having traveled a bit in the past, I was never really anywhere outside the US long enough to be immersed in other cultures or appreciate economic differences.

  • The importance of family seems to be stressed much more over here than it is in the US. Although we got here less than a month ago, a local blogger already mentioned my wife. I am trying to bug Gio into making some blog posts here too, but she also works on lots of other websites.

  • Lots of meat on a stick here. Which is perfect. :)

  • Food for the Gods is aptly named.

  • Boba drinks have fruit and multiple boba types in them. Again, surprisingly good. Quickly offers a sweet milk tea boba. I would really love a 24 hour boba delivery service. If you know of one please let me know.

  • The warmer climate leads to weight loss. I think I have lost about 15 pounds since coming over here without doing much working out.

  • Badminton is big over here. I love virtually all racket based sports, and am hoping I can get my mom to play when she comes over.

  • I have yet to play any tennis and am afraid that when my step dad comes over he may beat me again, effectively cutting my ego, self worth, and self image in half. It took years to regain composure after the last time he beat me.

  • Malls are super-saturated in Manila. Sometimes at 5pm if you buy something store workers will tell you that you were the first customer all day long. Some malls have a food court with about 60 different vendors. And more malls are being built.

  • A few of the malls have pirated media download centers, bootleg brands, and security guards to check you at the door.

  • Arcades are a functional business model over here. In the US most arcades are not well maintained unless they are drinking arcades for adults.

  • Labor is so cheap here. Even with current gas prices a half hour cab ride can run $2. Even McDonalds has a 24 hour delivery service. But you have to spend the $4 minimum to qualify for delivery service.

  • Some of the cabbies try to shake me down for more money because I am white, especially if I am leaving a local hotel because they think I am a tourist. One tried to charge us over 3 times the normal price.

  • There seems to be more micro parasitic economics over here than in the US. The cabbie that tries to shake you down for double price, cops that try to pull you over just to get a few books off the record, etc. In the US there is much more macro parasitic economic behavior. For example, MBNA, a credit card company, rewrote the US bankruptcy laws to favor themselves and screw consumers. For the average person macro parasites are probably far worse than micro parasites.

  • The dollar has been going down brutally. Yesterday the local paper put the Canadian Dollar above the US Dollar, and online there was an article about gold being at a 28 year high. When we first got here the exchange rate was like 46.6 pesos to a dollar. Its down to 45 to 1 in a couple weeks, which is a noticeable difference if you are paying for a wedding at the best hotel in the country.

  • I really understood the DVD zoning after seeing new DVDs on sale for about $4 here. And we saw a movie at a great theater in the Mall of Asia. Together our tickets cost less than $5.

  • Traffic is really thick in Manila. Each week day 20% of the cars are not supposed to drive based on their license plate numbers. I suppose there is an arbitrage opportunity in there somewhere. :) In spite of more traffic there are far fewer wrecks over here than in the US.

  • And in other news... Cops, soldiers clash with MILF

August 13, 2007

Why I Still Blog (Though I Would Make Far More if I had Time to do Other Things)

Thank you Aaron. I have spent the past couple of months looking at home business options over the net. It's really been taking it's toll. Everything just seems like a scam. Pressure selling, my email box full of the same shit (just different flavours), and they all want to take what little money I have. To arrive at your site, via About.com, and be treated to your hospitality has, literally, restored my faith in humanity. Your email links, Wikipedia too, advice offer and actual free info. As opposed to F*R*E*E offers with the last minute credit card authorisations. This morning I was in tears, thinking the whole world has gone to hell. Surely I can't join this industry of voltures, and add to it. You have lightened my heart with your thoughtfulness. I wish you every joy in your future, you beautiful person. Yours sincerly, ______ _________
I guess knowing that I give other people hope gives me hope that I can make the world better.

May 20, 2007

How it is

I used to be quite unhappy because I let people walk on me.
After a few years of telling people what I thought I finally became happy.
That may make it easy for some people to hate me, but that is just the way it is.
Life is too short to be dishonest with yourself or your friends.

May 6, 2007

Magical Kisses

So one time I kissed my girlfriend at a restaurant. A security guard came up and said that wasn't allowed, claiming this was a family restaurant.

Yesterday another girl totally lost it when my girlfriend and I were kissing at a little bistro. She said Jesus rent a room and other stuff like that. As we ignored her she got louder and violent sounding. She tried saying that it was wrong to kiss in front of her kid who was nearby...but when she was saying it was wrong her kid never noticed us until AFTER she started yelling, and then the kid saw her mom yelling violently and smoking.

If you are worried about setting an example for a kid, is it worse to have the kid surrounded with love or hate? I guess asking these sorts of questions are what makes me and my girlfriend so abnormal...in a good way :)

April 15, 2007

Kind Generous Fake Gentleman

I am told that I am loved because I am not what is expected. Rather than fitting the mold I am somewhat real....and that is much better than behaving like I should.

March 11, 2007

Golfer Guy or Driver Dude?

My girlfriend loves going golfing, so I am taking to it. I bought a beginner set of clubs today. Hurt my back. Was on too good of a roll there and probably deserved a bit of slowing down.

Before I whacked my back I hit a 9 iron with killer loft, straight as an arrow, for a sweet 175 yard swing. I think many professional golfers do not have that kind of range with a 9 iron.

I am sure my short game sucks...so hopefully I will learn that quick.

January 30, 2007

Text is Too Boring...

images and videos coming soon.

January 25, 2007

Awake

My last post may have sounded negative, but I am just really self critical. Am pretty happy right now.

Still up at 6am from last night. Too hard to sleep as is. Just passing time until I see you again.

January 15, 2007

Frustrations

Recently...

I got told to pick up my glasses and when I went they said they were broken and reordered. Lovely.

Pulling away from not getting glasses, I backed out my new car slowly and straightly (parked closely next to a tall vehical that probably was not a compact car) while this other car like 2 or 3 spots over backed out quickly and at a huge curve and almost backed into me. Then the lady started cursing as though she wasn't the careless person rushing and nearly wrecking my new car. I had to flip her off on principal.

I was supposed to get my contact lenses delivered via Fedex. They said they would deliver them today and did not. By the time I called to ask why they were not delivered today (as promised yesterday that they would be today) the spot to pick them up was already closed.

People using bad grammar criticise how hard my book is to translate due to poor grammar. Why are they translating my ebook anyway?

An asshole from the UK (they seem to try to be more direct and ruder over there) requested a refund for buying my ebook. In addition to being too stupid or lazy and not reading that my book was an ebook he bitched about that and said my book was not for professionals, yet it has been used as college course text and one of the top 5 book publishers in the world offered to publish my book.

Some idiot created a list of sites to hack and included my site on it.

A guy created a blogspot blog for doling out outdated versions of my blog.

Some idiot stole my about page then tried to pawn the move off as smart marketing. What a desperate loser.

As SEO has gone mainstream my interactions with customers and others have been less positive recently. Lots of other rants I could post, but the good news is I am still really happy right now.

December 21, 2006

Third Person

Many of the things I write in third person are about me and from me. Many of the things I write in first person are not about me or from me.

December 12, 2006

I am...

too shallow
too short
too self-absorbed
unappreciative
arrogent and
wasteful

I need to start leveraging my assets better. Take care of the brand equity you built Aaron. Don't waste it just because you can. Stream of conscience bullshit is just that. Use subheaders. Structure your thoughts. Write often. Aim early in the learning cycle. Don't just what if. Start doing. Proactive not reactive. Use consistant formats. Be emotional. Make people laugh and smile. Be remarkable.

December 8, 2006

Friendly Email

email I wrote to a friend today...

good morning buddy

you got me feeling shitty about all the web2.0 hype... it is the new
email spamming or 300 page long sales letter. lets hope it has a short
shelf life, but I am not certain it will

my identity is quite confused at the moment too. I recently got a
girlfriend who loves me to bits and, well, I find it all so confusing
how pure it all seems when I am generally sooooo pescimistic. and how do
I justify being such a shithead for so long when people can be so
beautiful and things can be so pure?

trying to do too much, and change too quick, to. and at the last
pubcon there were like fans of me... which also fucked up my sense of
identity quite a lot.

December 4, 2006

Funny How Busy I am

Today...

got heating oil
getting heater fixed
paid bills
bought and sent a christmas gift
wrote a letter
paid rent
fixed the contact and order interfaces on a site
wrote numerous blog posts
kept up with email
catching up with another email account
minor link building for a site
working with copywriter on getting new salesletter on site
found Ipod charger cord

need to...
work out
finish redesigning a site
do a bit more link building
finish catching up on corporate email account
close a lead or two
buy cord for charging cell phone

you know you are too busy when...
you have to put eating on your to do list.

I wish I could send someone I love one of these sweeeeet pillows...but I don't think they are on the market yet.

November 29, 2006

Alpha Male Asswhole (Beta)

So...

I played tennis with my girlfriend last Saturday. She was beating me...which on some fronts fell cool, but also felt very wrong. So I stepped my game up a bit and started trying to serve fairly hard.

In the first set I came up from down 3-2 to being up 5-3. At that point it was my serve and I said lovey lovey. And she was like awwww. Then I served at about 85 miles an hour with a sweet curve on the serve. She stood in shock and said "there was no love there." And then on the next serve I did the same thing again.

I have only ever played tennis about a dozen times or so and have had no training. Sweet on me for the victory, but as it turns out I threw my back out. I am too damn competitive...to the point of being self destructive. I really ought to work on that!

November 22, 2006

Caring is Creepy

The post title is the title to a cool song, but recently I have been amazing and inspired with how much people have been willing to trust and rely on me.

Less than a month after launch the ad network idea I came up with is probably already worth well into 7 figures. Some advertisers loved the idea so much that they told me they wanted to do bulk orders. I have not looked into the numbers yet, but I think it is probably already making many thousands each day.

My AdSense site that a partner is building (with my guidance and funding) has had its monthly income go from $600 to $6,000 in the last 6 months, and is still growing quickly.

One kid is quitting his job and moving to another country to live with his family so he can work for me.

At the conference I recently attended many people treated me as though I was a star, but I am just me.

One of my mentors recently asked me for personal advice...which feels backwards because he is MY mentor. :)

A girl who activated portions of my brain that I never knew existed cares enough about me to invite me over for the holidays and she asked her mom all about how I can be so crazy and how to smooth it out.

So many good things are happening that it is hard to keep up with it all.

November 18, 2006

Incomplete

Less than a half a day away and I am not even back to the grind of working again and I already miss you more than I would like to admit. But I already tell you everything else. Actuary all I can do is think of made up words that make me feel like you are beside me.

November 8, 2006

Leveling Up

So if you believe in subjective reality then you sorta get to bring what you want into your life. But sometimes to level up you need others at a higher level to help lift you up.

In the last few months I probably leveled up about 11 times...to where many of my past value systems are completely arbitrary on every level. I am not lazier now...I just care about different things.

Less than 3 months ago I was on the lowest level of consciousness possible and since I have changed so fast (I think about 11 levels) that the world is a mixed up place. If you try to grow too quickly invariably you will be crushed by it because there will be so many internal conflicts. You have to unlearn so much of what you learned. So I am sorta trying to level off and maintain while I figure myself out a bit.

I also tend to be quite open with lots of people which means lots of people tend to be quite open with me. That leads to an improved sense of humanity and empathy, but it also puts a lot of weight and confusion on me because I learn of so many conflicts in the lives and minds of people I look up to...the people who have helped me grow and become a better person let me in on things that are holding them back, and I wonder how much responsibility I have for helping them back, and if their faults are my own if I am unable to help them...or if those faults are only in my mind or misunderstanding what they say.

People, ideas, social structures, jobs, value systems, business models, material things, just about anything in the world... at one point in time any of those may help you grow or may hold you back depending on where you are. And some things that help you grow at one point WILL hold you back at others.

And if you are growing really fast it is going to be hard to find influences that will be able to keep pushing you and will still love and understand you as you change. I think I have found some, but feel I owe them so much more than I have to offer at the moment. Not sure if that is a feeling of inadequacy, awe, inspiration, or hope.

Mango Yogurt = Yummy

A glassie of lassie
never would have thought it was so yum or fun
who knew, you?

hehehe

The Error of Errors

Nice abstract title there, eh?

So, is it a bad thing to have really screwed up worldviews for a long time if you are later able to change them? Or do you enjoy the world more realizing how fucked you were for so long before finding your passion?

One of my biggest problems to wrap my head around is that most of the best things in my life have came out of some of the worst things in my life and you really can't isolate one from the other.

At some point you need disconnets to move on, but it feels weird when you think you are prettymuch lucky on every aspect of life, including experiencing all the bad stuff that your environment and bad decisions brought upon by you...because invariably that somehow drove you toward that which you love.

The tragedy of life leads you to beauty and maybe toward appreciating beauty more. How do you isolate the experiences? Or is it better that you can't?

November 6, 2006

Buttons & Social Awkwardness

Once upon a time Aaron was always socially awkward...even when blogging in third person in past tense when he should be writing in present tense first person.

I think in some ways I enjoy awkward pauses because they are so memorable and funny and are shared bonding points.

But I bring them about so often that you would think that it was entirely intentional. Even when I am not trying to on any level I still create lots of socially awkward pauses. And they go from a wide range...from my shirt buttons to my shoes to how I walk to my speech to my sight. Bizarre. But fun.

November 5, 2006

I Love You...

I love you
I love you
I love you
etc.

It is funny how words can have no meaning for so long, and when people tell you them they have meaning that if it exists is not transfered, and then to meet people who change your worldview and outlook on life so much that formerly meaningless words suddenly have lots of meaning.

November 4, 2006

Fear and Anxiety

So yesterday a friend told me they were afraid of something, but they were talking to me fresh out of waking me from a dream and I was all happy and blissful, and was so carefree that I could not even see the reasoning behind their fears and anxiety. Today I woke and thought about it...I feel more than an adequate amount of both. Gulp.

Life Goals...

Everyone should have life goals. And they should change from time to time. Methinks, anyhow.

So my recent life goals were

  • get past self sustaining (done)
  • move closer to friends (December)
  • stop eating shite food (done, outside of rare lapses)
  • get fit (80% of the way there methinks)
  • get happy (done)

And for more longterm goals (why not be ambitious with them?)
  • take my current temporary happiness and condition myself to make it permanent
  • help others be happier (generic goal, but if one were too specific then one would give away business models and verticals and make ones goals much harder)
  • redefine what the word Patriotism means (and other associated words) in a way so profound that it prevents many wars from occurring
  • create and/or promote self reinforcing business models that help redistribute wealth and opportunity down the socioeconomic ladder
  • destroy privatized central banks (by spreading mass outrage by learning more about them and teaching people just how shady they are)

My living philosophy is generally summed up with be happy and make the world better place. Given how much time and potential I wasted, and all the people I have pissed off, I am going to have to do some pretty good stuff to make up for it all.

November 1, 2006

Happy Stuffs

One person told me this today

Honestly u won of kindest man I have come across online :)
May Almighty shower u with his mercies

and yet today two other people told me things which felt even more lucky and special. I am wondering if my general happiness is here to stick as a way of being. If it is I am going to go from crazy creepy aaron to crazy happy aaron...a good change.

October 26, 2006

Permanence

It really hurts to be passionate because you end up having to become somewhat hypocritical to become successful, and then when you look back over your own work you realize how much better it could be, but that it can't because the market is disinterested in your true potential and rarely cares about the things that drive you...most people would rather be sold the idea of a pot of gold at the other end of the rainbow than to have to learn and work hard.

Due to flaws associated with humanity it is easier to push something that is slightly above average than it is to keep your work as good as it could be, especially when your customer base is nearly infinitely wide, the "appropriate" techniques in your industry constantly evolve and are never clearly spelled out, and the field you are working in is redefining marketing and what it means to have authority or a profitable publishing business model.

Just about any idea or piece of information is true given some set of circumstances during some point in time. But rarely is an idea universal, profitable, and specific. What % of people do we hurt in an attempt to help others? And where should we draw the lines?

Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out if I wouldn't have had a persistent nagging sense of inadequacy from birth. If I didn't have it, I would probably be a happier person, but one who cared less, and maybe I would even be a bit less passionate.

I wish I could keep learning as fast as I did a couple years ago while being able to afford enough time to be able to spend that much time learning without selling watered down stuff or feeling some sense of guilt about balancing work / play / learning / mental health / social health.

So far one friend quit their job and just works for me, and another may do so soon as well, but as markets expand in size further specialization is needed to keep your head above water. Business isn't life. Marketing isn't life. I think I just need to be around people a bit more.

And as you gain more freedom and desire more human interaction and your curiosity wanders how long can you hold on to what you are doing. Most every opportunity I have has come out of what I do and yet I somehow feel a need for a break now and then...but I think if you really find what you are meant to do there should never be a need for a break.

October 24, 2006

Virtual Bad Ass

So I have done quite well on the web. But I have done so while fucking real life up hard core. Being sedentary, socially isolated, and poisoning my body even with the food I eat. It is pretty fucking pathetic, but for the longest time I believed that I had to be unhappy to have the drive necessary to do well...a feeling of a lack of contentment with myself to keep myself improving. And so I used bogus chemicals, poor lifestyle, and other such things to hold me back on some fronts so that I would have the drive necessary to succeed on others.

But that is sorta bullshit...pretty much on every level. I am doing well right now and feel like I am high as a kite. I felt a bit cool and it felt great. I felt a bit warm and it felt great. I saw the colors of the leaves on the trees after coming out of the gym and nearly cried out of happiness. And I still think I can do cool things, in spite of recent happiness.

I also tried helping my brother out recently, and I am not sure if I failed because he was unwilling to change, or because I was so hollow that I had no business trying to help others until I unfucked myself. But him coming here for a bit was probably a great thing for me. He helped strengthen a past social relationship and helped remind me that things do not have to end on a bad note.

The main problem with my perception of the world is, and this is one of the things that Thom Yorke said which smacked me in the face and hit me harder than even his music does...

I definitely had a real moment after OK Computer when I heard other people imitating things that we had done and really didn't like what it sounded like, and really like ... oh my God this is really self indulgent. Have I been responsible for this? That's really awful.

A lot of what drives me in music is depression and personal things, but there seemed to be this indulgence I never wanted to go near again. And also I think more to the point I suddenly realized that a lot of the problems I had weren't actually internal, but they were external. They were to do with my immediate environment, my upbringing, my ... the way I saw the external world. And I had spent a lot of time internalizing it because that was the only thing I knew how to do.


If you are told something long enough you start to believe it. And it takes a long time to unbelieve it.

  • Growing up - my 3 siblings (all roughly 6 years older than me) taught me that I was a piece of shit, my dad wasn't really around much, and my mom was overworked and overstressed...too busy
  • School - I was never engaged...was typically an outsider. While I got decent grades I did not respect them at all because it was too easy.
  • Vision - I was legally blind until half way through high school and did not know it...talk about a nice way to add conflict to your ability to learn and interact with others...and to seed endless self doubt in your mind. Having a somewhat photographic memory while being nearly blind really REALLY fucks with your mind and makes you over-analytical about your errors in how you perceive the world, and helps further make everything your fault.
  • Navy - where everyone is taught they are a piece of shit right from the first day...then basic human needs like social interaction, nutrition, physical activity, hopes, dreams, purpose, and sunlight are placed into the unnecessary wants category. No matter how bad it gets you are told both that you are lucky it is this easy and that you deserve whatever you got because you signed up for it.
  • Leaving the navy - you are other than honorable and have failed in this life...better luck next one.
  • 1st Job after navy - no matter how efficient you were productivity could ALWAYS be better. and they fucked up my pay for a while, and lots of other bad shit happened to where I was financially fucked up. My mom sent me $300 and I returned it to her with a letter about how pissed off I was at the world. My mom cried from that and my grandmother sent me a letter about how I was the biggest piece of shit in the world.
But was all that my fault? Should I have internalized all that and tried to destroy myself with poor life choices, bad social relationships, drugs, and alcohol?

Another way to have that same drive is to appreciate the world more and interact with people more and care more for the world.

When I feel really happy I like to listen to music from people who committed suicide (accidentally or intentionally) to remind me how lucky I am to be alive and still able to experience emotions as vividly as I have been. I also like to read dystopian books which also give me the needed self doubt to keep learning and make me want to work harder to become a better person and to make me want to care more about the future of our planet and those I have been able to meet thusfar.

Some of the people who have helped me change my perspective of the world

  • my sister - she has loyalty which would make a dog jelous
  • my mom - when I was thinking of how to commit suicide and was silently crying with a pillow over my head she somehow knew that I was not doing well and came over and hugged me
  • alex - my step dad...by making my mom so happy he showed me that unhappiness was not a life choice made at birth
  • my grandma - she still seems quite happy, even after my grandpa died...she makes me less afraid of social relationships
  • Tim Berners-Lee - for making the web and for responding to the email I sent him
  • Scott - helps me believe in myself more and makes me realize that the past is the past
  • Giovanna - thusfar she cares enough to listen to my craziness
  • Werty and Daniel - both listen to my craziness too...and I think they both struggle with some of the same issues I struggle with (but probably not as bad as I do)
  • NFFC, Patrick Gavin, and Andy Hagans - made me much better at business than I would otherwise be.
  • the dentist - he has been so kind to me, helped fix my jaw (making me think maybe I can undue some of the past), and had a sore back and had to cut my dental appointment short...further reminding me that even if your job is to help other people that if you don't take care of yourself first you can't help others very much
  • all the people on the web who believed in me when I never did

If I keep up what I have been doing recently I might change from a virtual bad ass to just a bad ass...and hey that would be cool. I just need to get a tattoo now. hehehe

October 22, 2006

When You Match Wits With Idiots...

you are not holding yourself to a high enough standard.

Neato Dreams

So I had a crazy dream where these people were talking to me about what was worth paying attention to in life and what I should be ignoring. This one person was big at seeing the small details in things. Part of what lead them to that postion is that they were somewhat immobile in that they had a wheel chair and were often in positions where they could look at things deeply because they looked at them so long. But after giving that talk the person who was in a wheel chair was able to turn into an exotic bird and fly wherever they wanted to exceptionally fast. It seems as though I wasn't supposed to notice them do that after we said goodbye and parted ways, but because I was listening to what they were saying I somehow paid attention to the right things at the right time, which is often different than my typical approach.

Quite crazy maybe...but it is always cool to remember dreams.

Happiness vs Laziness

So I generally have had a sense of inadequacy or guilt for one reason or another most of the way through growing up. But I really don't care to think or feel that way at the moment.

Recently I put together a website, a glossary, and have a couple other things that I need to do, but after they are done, I will be prettymuch caught up on the things I feel I have to do.

I am doing well on my own scales and am not so worried about what others think. It is weird though to take a day and do nothing without it being a vacation or something. Like I think if I get too happy that I get quite lazy in nature, but then is it even legitimate to consider working at least 12 hours a day 6.5 days a week normal? That isn't living.

I know I need to keep learning, but I am really not too interested in business for the sake of business at the moment. If I am not learning from what I am doing it is really hard to stay engaged...especially when I lose my (formerly) persistent driving sense of inadequacy that drives me. It is quite a big shift to lose that though...and it would be easy to fear that I need it to stay successful, but I don't think I need to...my market timing was too good (ie: great luck) and there is just too much opportunity.

October 21, 2006

Equal Parts Beef & Cake...

So I went to the gym today, and was too happy to do my uber aggressive cardiovascular stuff that I normally do.

I went to do some stuff like benching. Recently I have usually done that sort of stuff after the cardio stuff, and in spite of getting in way better shape, I have felt weak...largely because I would be burned out before lifting. Today I was doing like sets of 20 for things that 10 were hard to do in the past.

Stupid me. But I learn. Eventually. Sometimes.

October 20, 2006

If I Were More Like You...

Sorta interesting and fascinating how interacting with some people change our perceptions of the world so much that those same people view us as being far different than we view ourselves as being...to the point where we start to become what we want to be because others see it in us.

It is even cooler when that is somewhat reciprocal, and you can hear the difference in their voice...and when they do not notice the holes in your personality / self esteem / ego because they don't exist when you are around them.

I have numerous friends that I talk to where I sorta get that sense...George, Giovanna, and Scott...and then maybe even Daniel and Andy from time to time. All for vastly different reasons though. And all great, at least thusfar!

When do you stop trusting self defeating worldviews and accept that they don't have to be that way? How much do you allow yourself to trust other people who change your perception of the world? What happens if and when you fall out of favor with those people? Why should I worry about potential downsides when I should just be enjoying life and the cool friends I was lucky enough to meet?

October 13, 2006

ostentatious

one of my favorite words

my friend just used that word talking to a designer...I didn't think people used that word in real life.

The Phat Rail of Coke Progam

Cocaine is not something I ever did much or have done recently, but recently I feel like I just had a phat rail of coke like all the time most every day. These are some of the contributing factors:

  • I went from eating trash to eating healthy food.
  • I went from sedintary to exercise guy.
  • I talk a lot to a really cool girl.
  • It would be hard to imagine me getting (or even wanting) any more business opportunity than I have right now.

I even feel as though I have a bit of purpose right now. Yesterday I slept four hours. Two hours the day before. ... Craziness...

The Perception of Self Worth

I generally think I have held a quite low perception of self worth throughout my life. I feel great now, and as though I am closing the gap between how I view myself and how others view me...which makes me appreciate how fucked up my worldview was even more...and how I was able to do well in spite (or maybe because of) it.

I think one of the best gifts anyone can be given in life is a handicap or large perception related error (compare with those around them), because

  • with each filter through which you view life you get to live another life
  • if you don't fit well under other's value systems you are more likely to create your own
  • if you overcome HUGE errors in your worldview or the way you live you are going to more easily relate to other's problems - and thus you can really help people, and better understand the driving psychological forces driving many markets

Of course there are trade offs, and there is a risk of self destruction or not being able to get past you biggest handicaps or errors, but if you get past them you get to live another life. Two for the price of one.

October 11, 2006

Happiness Check

This is a funny "stat" but it is what it is.

I used to be in the military and have a bank account associated with being in the military.

When I am slothlike and depressed and go to the post office a guy who works there asks me "were you in the military"?

When I am happy and exercising and go to the post office a guy who works there asks me "is your dad in the military, or was he in the military?"

So in essence I go from old guy who shows his age to an obvious college student when I am neither. :)

October 5, 2006

Why I Do Well On the Web

I think naturally I have many talents that I typically chose not to appreciate or acknowledge. Or, when I do acknowledge them, I usually chalk them up to being a result of luck or naturally given - nothing more. Ever!

And I think nearly everyone suffers from being a genius who poorly communicates their genius. Many power structures and value systems largely exist to PREVENT you from finding out how to express your true genius. Many aim to cure you from being human, or exist just to divert your attention away from reality.

On the web, due to an exposure to a timeshifted aggregated audience I play down the effect of anything I may ever say or do. Largely my actions are purely selfish, because I want to understand me (how do I do well with some stuff and why do I screw up life so bad on other fronts). I am largely expressing my thoughts only (or at least primarily) for me, so I can write with a clarity that I can not easily match when I speak. Writing to myself allows me to erase self doubt.

When I talk to others in person I forget what a meshwork human language is, or what pieces of my experience may overlap with others. For example, I consider many words to be filler largely because based on my set of experience they were words that lacked their intended traditional meaning when used.

Don't get consumed by false stats. Just say no!

What I do find though, is that the more you try to figure yourself out, the more others will appreciate and identify with you. Even if you are embarassingly immature, naive, or ignorant. Everyone starts from somewhere.

Generally people will only find things interesting if it is easy for them to identify and relate to what you are saying. In small groups the nonverbal feedback is so powerful that it is hard to be bad at communicating if you pay attention to the people you talk with, but as the group size scales that gets harder, and it is easier to seem selfish if you take random stabs at reality instead of ebbing and flowing with the group. And I tend to create many akward silence moments.

For example, out of a group of about 12 people the only person who was interested in hearing more of my story about how I accidentally dialed 911 was another person who did the same thing. The web allows you to throw out a lot of "dumb ideas" and let audiences self select the value and relevancy of your information.

But if you can break down your successes, or the successes of others, it is easy to replicate that knowledge and those patterns into new fields you once considered beyond your reach / knowledge / understanding.

As long as you realize you are not growing as quickly as you should be, and have wasted potential the world is going to be an ugly place where your eyes are black, the tide is out, and you reach for artificial engery sources.

But if you can understand how to replicate success, create your own value systems, and can passionately communicate them to others then some of the best things in the world will just come to you...dreams, hope, passion, purpose, business deals, amazing friends, knowledge, self-respect, love, happiness, etc. And they will do so at a faster and faster rate so long as you keep learning and do not let success go to your head. You can have endless growth, as long as you are willing to be uncomfortable and keep redefining growth on your own terms.

October 4, 2006

Goals, etc.

I just noticed I exceeded a goal. Yippie.

When I first made this blog I had this message in the admin area

Hi author of this blog. You are the greatest! Keep writing and eventually it will be in a book.

How funny that it took me this long to consider myself to have reached that goal. I never noticed that I passed that goal when a huge publishing company offered to publish me, I never considered that i achieved it when I turned them down, and I never considered it done when I sold way more than the average published book.

It took me until now...when I recently spent a while ignoring my marketing, and spent a bit of time learning from mentors and reaching outside of my industry for me to realize how lucky I have become. How often can you ignore your work and have it provide you enough freedom to go anywhere or learn anything you want to?

I love messages that you see so often that you forget them, and then only noticing it by accident to realize that you predicted your own future. It makes me feel far more inspired, and like I should aim much higher, but it is time to change the message to a new (and better) one.

I think every website, every business, and every relationship should have a passion driven goal associated with it that you can forget and come back to down the road.

October 2, 2006

Of Significant Insignificance

Sometimes I get pretty down on myself (especially after I act immature, irresponsible, or hurt someone else's feelings), but one of the best things for me when I start to get too self critical is to realize just how short life is and how small we are in the role of the universe.

Feeling insignificant is liberating because it makes it so much easier to be flawed without drawing on the flaws so much that they become the focus of your life, and a source of endless negative energy.

Once you think of yourself as being insignificant in the grand picture it makes you more willing to seek and explore and find what you really should be. You can think of yourself as being like an item an auctioneer once described to the bidders... "only a little bit broken." :)

And for most people, the broken parts are just as likely (if not more likely) to help you find purpose and happiness instead of being a source of depression or isolation, at least if you leverage your broken bits correctly.

Everything is broken. Everything is recycled. Everything is in a constant state of change. But that is what makes life interesting. You have to leave your comfort zones if you want to grow.

October 1, 2006

September 29, 2006

Time for a Wardrobe Change

As many readers know, I am known to wear internet t-shirts. I have recently decided to build out my wardrobe to deemphisize internet. My wardrobe now consists of 3 equal parts: internet, Nintendo, and Radiohead.

More to come, soon... :)

September 15, 2006

Honest Early

So Saturday my brother is flying back to California. The day after he said he was NOT coming here I bought a ticket to go on a vacation touring Europe for a few weeks. Then a few days latter my brother showed up.

He lived here for about 2 months and I was gone for about a month of it. I never would have planned that to happen. I am somewhat disappointed that this town is so far removed from what he wanted, but it was sorta the same for me when I first moved here. Leaving him here was a somewhat shitty thing to do, and even when I was here, I was usually too busy working to be human.

That too busy to be human shit is for the birds as well. It is not really living. I need more outlets, and I know that I am busy, here is $20 doesn't say I love you. Not nearly enough, at least. And it never did. Ever.

I would have loved to been able to show him more of the world and help him more, but there were too many conflicting emotions running through my family. Everyone had a separate piece of advice and way to help him or me (or both of us mutually), and ultimately I think he and I were tore up from typical conflicts associated with being brothers, and the concept of everyone thinking and saying how I was to help him (also seemingly forgetting that in many ways he was trying his best to help me).

Given all of that, him not being around the person he loved most, him having AIDS and needing medication soon, the web job I gave him being so boring and isolated, (and him getting off of doing some bad things while I still occasionally may do similar things from time to time), if I were him I probably would have resented me (and the associated hypocricy and the whole situation quite a bit too).

I hope I helped him while he was here, but ultimately it is up to each of us to change how and when we want to. If we want to. You can pour endless energy into trying to help others, but if your help is not what they want (and you yourself are far from being who you need to be), or they perceive the world in a far different light than you, then there is going to be some rough patches.

I realized it wasn't working out as well as either he or I may have wished for, but I decided to be honest early and ask him if he wanted a trip back. His plane leaves tomorrow. I am giving him a couple grand so hopefully he can use it to get some stability in his life. He thanked me for giving him stability, but he seemed exceptionally focused on instant gratification (and I guess using drugs for a long time might train you to be that way). I am not sure if stability is what he wants? And, of course, stability is not enough if there are others you love. And realistically I would rather love and be loved in a gutter somewhere than have stability, emptiness, and missery coupled together.

I am fairly certain we are parting on good terms, which might not have been the case if I asked him to endure another couple months of my mixed up and overworked schedule in a town that he did not fuse well with.

All relationships eventually end. People move away. People die. People break up. You just spent a minute of your short life reading this post. The Sun will eventually burn out. Stuff happens. I think it is important that I have social relationships that end on a positive note. So few of mine from my childhood seemed to have. Best of luck Jim. Stay safe.

See ya down the road.

Love ya bro,
Aaron

The Day I Grew Up

Yesterday I turned 27. While I like acting like a kid, the fact is that some of the things I do which once helped me succeed are arbitrary, antisocial, and probably hold me back from the person I could become.

How many days out of the week do I put poison into my body? Probably at least 6.5. And that is pathetic. I know better.

Rather than trying to make perfect sense of the world, or trying to make the world fit what I want it to be, I should spend a bit more time being a person worthy of the resources I waste. And it is only a waste if you do not enjoy it to its full potential. Which I don't on most days. And that is shameful given the resources and opportunities and friends I have.

I have the freedom to be able to travel the world. Even while I was on vacation I think I made more than it cost to be on vacation. Thousands of people read what I write and give me feedback when I am fucking up. I have dozens of amazing friends who are only isolated by geography.

Sure I like a blissful excursion now and again, but how can I tell others that we should live with passion and then sit on the cusp of burnout, poisoning myself each day?

It is overwhelming sometimes to think how we can be so good at some things and so bad at others. But beyond the idea of natural gift the more common flaw is being led by fear. Or just a lack of experience.

Fear, like blinding belief

I need to stop building things up and knocking them down and building them up and changing what I think to fit my flavor of the day emotions. I need to actively raise my baseline such that I can find a way to cross expression and passion in a meaningful way almost every day.

So today there will be: No poison. No judgement.

And more importantly you can't do what you want by only stating what you do not. In absence of purpose poison becomes appealing. Thus today my goal is to appreciate the world more than I did yesterday. And hopefully try my best to do that everyday. Hopefully this is not a passing fling.

September 14, 2006

I am Way Too Needy

I am too needy of an individual. It is a really bad trait when you combine it with a bit (or maybe a lot) of emotional instability, social isolation, being constantly overanalytical, and a history of mental abuse (mostly self inflicted hehehe).

This poem is about having relationship problems with the world, and how trying to see the world too differently than what others see can be suicidal.

The title of that poem is "The Crash" and the content itself is about different types of crashes most people go through

  • a mental one from putting too much stress on yourself, or letting others do it to you
  • an emotional one from realizing how much of your life and potential you wasted
  • an emotional one for feeling that it is too late to change your broken ways
  • an emotional one for realizing how you should appreciate life more than you do
  • an emotional one for realizing how much you will hurt other people if you don't start caring more about living
  • a social one from not being able to communicate clearly
  • a social one from expecting others to be more understanding
  • a chemical one from using too many drugs
  • a physical one from poor diet or exercise
  • a physical one from when the emotion / chemical / mental instability finally catch up with you in the real world
  • death or suicide when you have had too much of any or all of the above

At the end it says "he wasn't clever enough to make it look like an accident" which is another way of saying that rarely are the results of our actions or inactions an accident or surprise, but that when we go against the grain and against the odds eventually the odds catch up with you.

The World of Words

How many different ways can you write similar glowing messages about a holidy you largely ignored for much of your life before it starts to chip away at your soul.

August 22, 2006

And a Few Words From Our Sponsor

I think the hard part is realizing that in our own unique ways at all times we are all commercials, marketers, actors, etc.

And if I wasn't selling so much would I live a happier life?

Because I am ok at self preservation it does not mean I have reached anything near my potential.
Quite shameful really.
Spirituality needed.
But I rely on commerce.

Buying. Selling. Hoping. Dreaming. Dying.

And because we are all emotional humans there is great waste associated with that cycle.

Everyone else wants to draw the line for you. But if you draw your own, you get to be Picasso.

I so need an artistic outlet!

Happy Bday to the trose.

July 25, 2006

Undermining Authority Figures and Changing Worldviews

I love learning about things which cause me to change my worldviews and value systems.

Typically the type of information that does that is stuff which questions authority and the way it has always been. We are taught from a young age to subscribe to an authority trusting worldview so that we can be exploited for various forms of profit.

As you peal away the bogus layers of authority and associated fraud you get a much better view of humanity uninhibited by the fraud and arbitrary contraints associated with those who want to exert extreme coercive persuasion over the lives of others. And it gives me hope that I can help think up ways to live life more fully than I have, and if I am lucky sort out ways to undermine bogus authority on a grand scale.

People act in quite predictable ways. Many of the fraud business models bank on people not seeing beyond a framework that is set up, or having no reach for their message if they do see beyond it. The web allows you at least somewhat of a workaround to those problems, and search allows you to intercept the minds of people dealing with serious problems (perhaps problems far greater than my own trivial garbage I rant about). I am always one in need of some greater purpose to be happy, but at least for a little bit I think I got one again. Yippie.

But then again it is not enough to just tear things down, you have to help think up ways to build things back up. Which is hard given my limited and biased worldview.

I used to kinda hate the idea of learning, teaching, and doing marketing because I think that ultimately most marketing is about manipulating others for personal gain, but what if you could find a profitable and scalable business model that enriched participants in the depth and quality of their lives? Not saying I could do it. Just that I think it would be cool. And love when others do it to me.

I also know when I am excited and motivated because I read and type letters in the wrong order. I think we all have some natural baseline level of dyslexia that comes out more or less depending on our congruent moods.

July 23, 2006

Spectacle

So last night a guy called me, who seemed like a fan. Quite weird that to me...that someone would think highly enough of me to be a fan.

I am so fucked up with life on so many fronts, and that is most likely largely because I tell myself that I am and then act the part, but it still is quite odd to me that some people like me that much.

I know I need to like myself more, but I think one of my biggest problems is that most of my self improvement initiatives are contrived bullshit where I try to make a spectacle of myself rather than taking a holistic look at what I really want out of life.

I should be beyond thinking what I want to do yesterday today or tomorrow. And maybe if I spent a bit of time away from the web I will find what I want. Weird that typing text is about my only expressive outlet or social connection with other people. But it is truthfully quite arbitrary. Electrons flow. It means nothing more than that. And never will.

I can't expect others to like me and for it to mean anything until I learn to like myself and have expressive outlets that do not involve the web or drinking or other ways of acting stupid.

July 21, 2006

Why Do Moods Change Quickly? And do They Usually Have Reason?

You are what you tell yourself and you get what you want.

Not sure if it will always be that way, but for me all I have to do is tell myself to stop living pathetically when I am doing shitty at something and then willfully desire to change it...and then magically it changes :)

Like right now I still am socially inept a bit (or maybe a lot) but I have went out a few times recently and had fun. I probably drank a bit more than I should have ;) but even after drinking a bit I was turning down free drinks from the bartender, which shows that I don't have to be a jackass when I go out and drink, and that I can (at least sometimes) accept and know my limits.

I have been working out quite a bit recently. Mostly just shooting hoops and doing the elliptical machine. Yesterday I did tons of ab stuff. I was almost certain my abs (which used to be stupidly stupidly stupidly strong - in bootcamp I could do way more sit-ups than the guy in the division who became a SEAL) were sorta shot forever after a few years of being an office chair warrior. But when I did exercises I was able to do a near infinite set of sit ups on the lean back bench thingie.

The next day I am a bit sore, but not too bad really.

And I eat bunches of sea food - something I never would of thought I would do much.

And recently I have also replaced garbage oversugared yogurt drinks with carrot juice and tomato juice.

...and the post is finished on day 2...

Things I may still want to fix:

  • be awake during the day more (why am I making this post wide awake after midnight)
  • eat a bit more vegies
  • not push people away so much
  • For as good as I feel right now, I still think life is pretty pointless. The worst part about that is that as I become more successful I feel that life has less purpose (and generally have less faith in humanity). I am thinking about doing some traveling and soul searching away from the computer.

When I exercise a lot I feel life has purpose, but it seems that even after just one day of physical inactivity life quickly loses its purpose again. Which sorta shows that I am didn't know what I was talking about when I wrote most of this yesterday.

I think a cool project for someone more artistic than I would be to write pieces of things one day and then finish them at different points in time and see how much their worldview has changed since they started writing it, and then try to figure out the reasons for the mindshift.

.... 6 hours later ....

Am really happy again. And, of course, without reason :) Or maybe I told myself to be happy. Or maybe it was The Eraser.

July 15, 2006

I am Soooooooo Shallow...

I have a history of drinking way too much way too often, but so long as I am really happy before I drink that rarely happens. If you drink way too much it is easy to become very primal where core level (perhaps reptilian) thoughts control your actions. Obviously that is no good. So moderation is my friend who I should learn to hang out with more often.

So tonight I went out and was bored to tears. I only had 3 drinks total over 3 hours, deciding to be happy and reasonable and not an uber lush. My biggest problem with the town I am in as far as nightlife is that the clubs either have nobody in them or they are so packed that it is quite hard to just stand.

While I often tell myself otherwise (ie: lying to myself to justify my own stupidity and past actions), I think if I am actively engaged I am quite good at nonverbal communication. It sucks though when all you can do is stand around though. It is totally useless.

And I so have to rely on nonverbal communications to meet new people because I am self employed and meet few people AND my verbal skills are quite poor.

When programming in Basic or Pascal the teachers would look at what I did and say it was wrong or dysfunctional before testing it, yet if you used the program I created it would typically have fewer lines of code than "correct" software and still work.

I remember in high school a math teacher took points off for my work even though the test answer was correct. He wanted me to show more work than I was showing, but I tend to skip steps.

The same thing occurs with verbal communication. I assume others think about the same steps that I do and make notice of the same patterns or correlations I see, when usually people are like WTF until I try to explain the steps in my thought process. Combine that with a low self confidence level, traditionally having poor vision, and most likely a near photographic memory and it becomes easy to see how I create so many awkward silence moments when communicating, especially around people I do not yet know well.

I think that is part of why I do ok with the web. The prejudice it quite dropped and people learn you over time. It is also ok to be yourself and those who want to understand you will, whereas offline I am more prone to being misunderstood and/or growing quickly frustrated.

Recently I have been getting many blog comments on my blogs telling me to fuck off. Maybe online is starting to catch up with offline. Or maybe I have a magnetic (as in repulsive) personality.

In following up with my shallowness of this post, here is my picture on hotornot.

I am at best average, and that is even when I made my hair a crazy cool color. Doah. I also do not smile that much because I always think I look weird when I do.

It is amazing how different people can look in pictures. This girl (who has nuclear and engineering as tags and goes to school in the town where I live - if only she had internet as a tag I would have to bug her) looks like a goddess in her first pic, then pretty cute in the second, and then still cute but not really to the godess level in the third.

July 14, 2006

My Brother...

Is a bit sick right now.

I have some work I need to do, but I am slacking on it. I feel sad that he is sick, and I feel even sadder that I get so caught up in petty shit that I do not allow myself to appreciate life as much as I should. I am quite pathetic in many areas for as successful as I am in others. If only I believed in myself more.

I hope my brother gets well soon. I want to hang out with him again.

My mom is at least 10 times as strong as a person as I. She flew out and is visiting him right now.

July 10, 2006

All My Friends Have Internet

I so need to make a tshirt that says that :)

July 9, 2006

I Don't Belong Here...or do I?

So I am at Disney right now. About to go out and about for a walk.

Yesterday I took a group van to the hotel, and in spite of 3 of us near the back of the van all going to the same place nobody really talked much until someone asked a quick question then I started blabbing and we talked a bit.

One of the girls asked where I was from and
I said central Pennsylvania
she said and ...
I said and what
she said who are you here with who do you work for
I said just me. I am a blogger.
she said can you make enough doing that
I was like yup

I just got my badge and it says "agency" on it. WTF was I thinking when I did that. I am not a schmoozer (although I do have a business partner that is a killer shmoozer but not here) and I have a hard time being interested in business beyond theoretical levels unless I have a deep passion in the topic. I have never been a fan of categorizing people, either...especially when I feel I only became successful when I defied categorization or pushed to create my own category.

Truth be told I am not a mixer really. I get really bored by people unless I really feel I know them, like them, am interested in them, and can trust them.

At business meetings with people you just met that trust thing is going to be a really limited resource...just because business is all about getting ahead, and more often than not it is by doing whatever it takes (to accumulate wealth or influence at the expense of others). So I guess meeting people under the whole pretense of business is kinda not my thing (it's no better than meeting people drunk, but while meeting them you are inebriated by capitalism).

And as much as there is the issue of boredom there is also the issue of feeling fake in myself. I am not all about making money really...I have enough to get by, so me getting deep into business stuff is just blah, like the motivation is not there.

I love music. It is what gets me on from day to day and I think I would like to be a musician because it would be really hard and I have no skill at all, and it is a land full of uncertainty.

I need to work on things that improve my self confidence in things outside of the web and my core business interests, but I have never really had more than a few friends at any given point in my life. Now I guess I have a bunch, but live near none of them.

Outside of business and / or being a drunk idiot I really have limited social contact with others (and I don't drink often anymore). When I do meet new people it usually has to be just a few people and while hanging out with another friend.

If groups get too large I feel drowned out and sit back too far and am too quite. Also many people do not get my jokes, like I usually have to follow them up with "just kidding" because I am too deadpan when I tell them.

I also am quality at creating awkward silence moments. I have yet to meet a person who does that as well as I do. It is not something I intentionally do, it just comes from my thought patterns.

I often skip a logical step in a sequence because I think in patterns that (from my experiences) must be at least sorta rare. I have done things like look at a set of stairs and at a glance said 15 or 33 and saw the exact number of them. Or I look at a waterfall and notice the support beams for the awning have pipes in them that run the water up to the waterfall. Weird shit like that. Why do I think of that? Why does it matter? I presume other people see things the same way that I do when I am soooooooooo pragmatic and over analytical.

I think part of that could be from having to interpret hidden meaning in things. Like not being able to see for a long time (literally being legally blind until half way through high school without knowing it). What is weird is that at times I am almost certain that I not only have poor vision but that I also have a photographic memory. Like on switchboards full of fuses I can just rattle off fuse ratings even if the data and numbers are pointless and without meaning. And this ability also creates awkward silences because other people say things and I pick up on the bits that do not match the numbers I know to be right even if the numbers are trivial in the grand scheme of the situation or story.

That sort of lens I realize is a good thing because it forced me to be able to get the bonus of living two lives for the price of one. Lenses that you can turn on and off are really cool as well, because they allow you to visualize life in multiple ways.

But social relationships also provide additional lenses, and I really am too isolated for it to be all too healthy. And I have had really good times before even at bad points in life...like when I was almost bankrupt and making about $10 a day I still met one of the coolest girls I have ever met. I think part of that was because I was hanging out with a fun friend, and another part was because I think I knew I was pissed off enough at the world to do whatever it took to make my own condition better. I was hungry and that opened up opportunities, not only business opportunities, but also social ones.

Disney is the land of opportunity...or mischief maybe? Off to walk around. I wish I could think of the world as being as magical as I used to when I was 6. I want that back.

But now I am just too fat and comfortable. Maybe I should move or do something else that is really disruptive.

I also feel the world deserves better out of me. I used to work much harder than I have recently and I used to have way more passion. I feel like I have hit a plateau and need to look for inspiration and meaning in life again.

June 29, 2006

Buzzing

I feel pretty happy right now. Not sure why, but that is just how it is.

It feels contrived / fake / garbagelike for me to feel sad right now. I looked at a couple recent poem attempts I did and all I can think is that they are sad and pathetic. Fake. Contrived. Garbagelike. It's nearly impossible at the moment for me to think anything but really good thoughts.

I used to worry that as markets grow more complex I would be marginalized, but it all just depends on your focus and the customers you want to serve.

In the past I have consulted board members of major search engines about potential acquisitions. That was never my target market, but the only way I get marginalized is if I chose to aim to help people that are too lazy to try to build real value. Even if you are poor I think the web can help you get by from scratch so long as you have passion. I would be hard pressed to find a person that was much more emotionally, physically, socially, mentally, and physically drained that I was about 4 years ago.

I also appreciated just how ignorantly good my memory is today. I read a book and my evil MovableType deleted part of my extended bulleted point review, and I just remembered like 15 or 20 bullet points, which really is quite absurd.

I don't think I question my memory as much as I used to. I should just learn to trust it. That is not to say that I haven't done shitty things or that I haven't forgot important stuff, but I am doing well enough that I can afford to take a day off or forget here and there.

No point getting stressed out over petty shit. If you don't push it too hard and just come up with good ideas lots of the shit just falls into place. Especially if you have a few successful buddies who are willing to be honest with you even if that honesty is in calling you out for being all fucked up. In fact I love being called out for being screwed up.

June 24, 2006

Help Me Help You

How many self help experts offered help that did not require you to buy into their system to help yourself?

Can one have a self sustaining business model that is pure and stands the test of time?

It is really fucking rare.

I wish the world were more altruistic. Then I would understand people better. And then I could help me understand me better. Or maybe not.

June 21, 2006

Reasons to be Pissed Off, 6/20/06

I answered about 600 emails the day I got home then the next day my internet connection went to shit, so I still am not fully caught up from the weekend trip.

While my internet connection went down so did my server for many hours.

A friend messaged my cell phone and that filled up my messages so I did not know my server was down.

I still need to review software I promised to have reviewed by midnight and it is now 12:08

My programmer did no work Thursday through Tuesday. Maybe Wednesday, too? For a program that I was hoping would be done by now.

I feel I have not done a very good job with my community site recently and I could write more on that. The editors have done a great job and deserve better from me. I am pissed at myself for that.

My professional blog keeps getting comments from people who quote me out of context and make me look stupid, and they keep asking irrelevant questions when they are too lazy to read what I answer anyway.

I have not posted to my professional blog in nearly a week and already have more stuff lined up to do today and tomorrow.

I had dental work done and have a ton more to go. Am pissed about how poor my hygiene habits were and that my jaw is probably going to be pretty fucked up for life.

Someone asked me for help and did not make it easy for me to help them. After recently rejecting a very gracious help offer. Now they want to go back and forth and I am not sure I have the energy necessary to help them. Change comes from within and I am not thinking they want to change much.

People selling SEO services want me to review competing sites to their clients for spam. Like what are they selling if they do not understand the market?

A normally hard working business partner and friend did not do the one thing I asked him to do prior to me leaving. That site is lingering about when it should be making at least $5,000 a month by now.

Prestigious periodicals asked me to review articles about my trade. They referred to me as Dr Wall and the article was wrote by another doctor. The article is overtly biased and in many ways factually incorrect and negative for my industry. Now I have to think of how to respond without looking like a jerk while being honest.

I promised to write articles for many sites that I still need to write.

I wonder how many of the things I write come off as being as wrong as the stuff I just read.

The concert I just went to makes me feel I have a purpose I need to fill and that currently I am not doing it.

On a positive note, I am reading the most important and influential book of my life thusfar.

June 14, 2006

Polar Bears Make Me Happy

Not sure why, but a picture of polar bears playing makes me really happy.

Sad to hear that global warming is leading some of them to become cannibalistic and may make them extinct.

June 4, 2006

Purrrfect Sex

So this is a dumb story, but well worth posting ;)

I don't know why it feels good to sleep next so someone you really like, but it does. Well one night I got that to the nth degree.

There is a girl I liked more than all other girls combined. And I was sleeping over at her house with her on her couch. So we were really really really really close to one another.

We both went to sleep. And well in dreams you don't always know you are sleeping right? So, of course, I have a really vivid dream about having passionate sex with this girl. But that dream was not just driven by me having a dirty mind or whatever...there was another factor at play.

The dream was to the scale that the excitement woke me up. And when I woke, her cat was licking my mouth. What kind of shit is that? It was a form of torture. Pure evil of some sort. So there I am awake. Laying right next to the girl I have liked more than all others combined. More horny than a pack of rabbits high on ecstasy, and all I could do is lay there, in pure torture.

May 28, 2006

Filters on Life

When driving down the road I sing, perhaps obnoxiously loud to anyone not me. But just about nobody hears it so no harm no foul. Am the same way in town too. But when I pull up to a stop light I have to be in an exceptionally happy mood to keep up my obnoxious volume.

When I exercise I am rambunctious loud way more than when I am sedentary. But the sedentary me isn't the real me any more than the high on hard core drugs (been years since that sort of stuff happened) me is the real me.

Exercise and isolation are just filters on life.

When I used to drink more regularly than I do now sometimes I would act like a goofball after like a half a drink. Largely because it was an excuse to make it ok to act goofy...even if no effect had kicked in yet (don't get me wrong though, drinking like a fish is not rare when I do drink).

In that non verbal communication of dancing around and just acting dumb / funny so many girls flirted with me. Right now I couldn't do the same as I once did largely because of self image related reasons. I need to be in better shape before I can get happy from drinking without being shitfaced (and then when I do get shitfaced it is like walking a thin line between really bad drunk and semi socially acceptable drunk).

Most people would not write a post like this on the web...especially if they made their living off the web, but I would ;)

The web is like another filter for me...like being in really good shape, or having a drink or two (but not 20).

I have come to the conclusion that I make sure on the web that I am what labels me whatever I wish to be, and that largely those who think I am an asshole or full of shit will ignore me. Those who do not will say hi.

I recently told a friend "that's what i really like about the web ... people just help others without expecting stuff back ... more frequently than i notice in other 'mediums' of life".

The friend is much older and wiser than I, and explained it like this:

The medium allows for people to meet without preconceived ideas and prejudices. We meet people 'backwards' if you will.

Which makes a lot of sense.

Are there any largely damaging filters in your life? Have you found ways to lose them through some mediums or channels? Did you find it easy to carry that through to other mediums of life?

May 26, 2006

Erica Called Me Again

So random.

I haven't talked to Erica in years. I was sleeping at about 10 PM last night when the phone ringing woke me up.

It is sorta weird how every few years she somehow comes into my life before drifting out of it again. She sounds like she is doing well though, so that's good.

My biggest frustration with the call is that she has a boyfriend ;) but I guess that happens when you are fun to be around and super cute.

I don't know if things would ever be the same if we again met. I think I am less depressed and less needy than I used to be, but having a bit of experience in the business world (and further realizing just how scummy many businesses are and how scummy the business structure as a whole is) has made me become a bit more pragmatic in my worldviews as well.

She always mistook my shyness as being a gentleman. Am still rather shy and clueless about girls. But much of that is intentional personal isolation.

Part of my poor self image in some areas stems from

  • a fear of being hurt by others
  • a fear of hurting others
  • a lack of self trust (how much authority am I willing to trust myself with when I have such a distaste for many authoritative figures once in my life and only succeed when I finally told them all to fuck off and learned to chose authority figures instead of letting environment dictate them for me)
  • fear of change. (much of my success and over-devotion to what I do is driven from isolation and the need to do well to feel decent...if I allow myself to feel good via other means will I still be ok at business?) I think this one is kinda bullshit though because I can learn really quick and am fairly creative with a highly analytical mind

I shouldn't let fear guide me if I want to be a decent human being that lives a useful life worth living.

Not meeting her again means that I have a dream girl and can always say well that would have been cool, but that is a pretty shitty approach...always looking back not forward, and choosing to let ideal options exist over trying to meet people and form healthy social relationships. If I end up in New England again I will see if she wants to hang out.

May 15, 2006

Crunch Pop Jaw

So I got my second root canal filled in today. While at the dentist they noticed that I couldn't open my jaw very far without popping it really bad.

I think that has something to do with either being skittish around other people (especially other people touching me in the face) or something with being leaning back in the dentist chair.

They asked me the last time I noticed the jaw pop problems and I told them that it was nothing I would normally notice, but I was making out with a girl a few years ago and my jaw popped a few times while we were kissing (so gross).

I wonder if my jaw is totally screwed? Or only screwed when nervous? or horizontal? or horizontal and nervous?

I so have screwed myself over physically :( Worse yet, there is no need to live that way anymore...it should not be hard to eat healthy, exercise daily, and find purpose in life away from the computer. Or should it? I feel like a whiner who does not even know what he is whining about...

May 9, 2006

The Joys of Root Canals

I had a sore tooth Thursday and Friday. Visited the dentist today and sure enough, the tooth was in trouble. No cavity there, but a dead nerve. Time for another root canal. $600 down the drain, don't pass go :)

The money doesn't really matter, but I am disappointed in myself for not taking better care of myself. Sometimes I think I am intentionally negligent so others will help me improve and so that I can appreciate how lucky I have been in certain aspects of life.

Take teeth, for example.

When I was a kid my teeth went through my lip and I think some of them may have came out when I smmooooooked my head off a coffee table. Not to be outdone, I have been determined to destroy my adult teeth too.

Keep in mind you only have 2 upper front teeth, but in the last 15 years I have...
- pushed down on end of this one weird table and had the other side come up and hit me in the face so hard that it broke off a large part of one of my front teeth
- needed a root canal
- I think that tooth got a cavity too :(

other front tooth
- caught a brick in the mouth
- fixed the tooth that the brick broke
- had that fix fall out
- got it fixed again
- had that nerve die, and needed a root canal

right now I have the temporary filling in that second root canal and am going to go back for the longterm filling in the next week or two I hope.

when the first tooth was filled a Navy dentist did it. They filled it in so well that the filled in too much tooth and bonded one tooth next to the tooth next to it. If that wasn't gross enough sounding, they started grinding apart the teeth without even giving me any novocaine.

May 1, 2006

Arrrrg, I Am Fat Again

So I started working for one of the largest websites. Adding that to an already tight schedule meant that I did the wrong thing and threw exercise out the window, having only done it about 3 times in the last 2 months.

Eating a worthless low fat muffin earlier today showed me the error of my ways. It being gross made me realize that it was beautiful outside and I had no business eating low fat muffins, instead I should be exercising. When I went to the mailbox there were two checks in the mail, so I walked downtown to the post office to put them in the post office box. Its like 2.5 miles each way, so that is a decent walk, especially with all the big hills on the way.

After I got back I weighed myself and was 245, which is an exceptionally fat and worthless weight. I then did the right thing, ;) and had a caffeine / weight loss pill and went to the gym for another 5,000 steps on the elliptical trainer.

I know it is probably not the best for you, but I like working out until my lungs feel clearer and I start having visual hallucinations...like I like working out really really hard.

I am thinking if I started working out with 2 a days for the next 45 days I might be able to lose about a pound a day and weigh in at 200 for Bonnaroo. Surely not the safest and best way to lose weight, but what is the point in losing 5 or 10 pounds then getting lazy or sick or overworked and gaining em right back?

I weighed around 185 to 190 when I was in killer good shape. I am sneaking up on 30 years old here, so if I don't get serious about losing weight quickly I am destined to be a fat ass forever.

I also came to a wonderful realization a couple nights ago when a bit drunk. I realized that many people get drunk to hook up or whatever, but when I used to get drunk I never really wanted to do that. At times cute girls flirted with me so much and danced on me so much that THEY got kicked out of the clubs, and that is pretty hard for cute girls to do. Also even when I am this fat plenty of cute girls still talk to me or whatever, but I am so used to being actively engaged in something (reading a book, writing on the web, exercising hard, etc etc etc) that I find most people rather boring to talk to.

One thing I really really love about the field of SEO is that so many of the people are super smart bad asses willing to push the borders of normal thinking patters and societal norms. Our jobs are essentially to spot and take advantage of market inefficiencies, and many people in the field are far better than I am at it.

April 23, 2006

Wow...a Smile

I rarely smile in pictures...and I rarely like pictures of me, but this one is sorta fun I think.

My mom told me I should get my hair cut. While at the conference multiple people complemented me on my new hair cut, but I never got one...just letting it grow :)

April 16, 2006

Words I Love Using Incorrectly

Sometimes words have multiple meanings. On occasion I dig the lesser known meanings and / or use improper words just to screw with people.

For example, the word haus means house in German, so I call some friends haus to tease them for being big. In reality I am really fat so its just a joke, but I find it fun.

What words do you like to use for their alternate meanings or misuse?

April 11, 2006

Amazing Opportunities

Although I have had no formal education outside of the military (which I departed on bad terms a few years ago) I have been asked if I wanted to be a college professor. If that wasn't crazy enough...

In the last year I was offered to write a book for a major publisher, but turned it down. In spite of having no formal training on how to write and a higher price point than most books I have well outsold most books in print.

How weird is it to read a book about companies worth 10s of billions of dollars that are redefining the underlying economics of advertising, knowledge sharing, and publishing, and to come across a section about how the companies related to one another...only to realize what a profound impact you can have on the sustainability and profitability of said companies.

I am totally awestruck by some of the opportunities I have been given.

I just watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and feel guilty for not having done more sooner, and for not achieving my full potential. In a way we are all nuts. Put a person in the wrong society or wrong environment and you can make just about anyone go crazy.

I have the opportunity to help tons of people in many ways, but I need to have more regular exercise and social interaction in my life. On the web counts in some ways, but off the web matters so much more. If I limit my life to what I can experience through a stream of electrons on a screen then I never really lived. Which would be sad, given all the opportunities I have been given.

March 29, 2006

Focus

I started doing well on the web as I sharpened my focus. I am still doing well, but the focus has broadened (perhaps there isn't much at this point...or at least relatively there is not much). I find that a bit concerning after reading one of my favorite articles ever. Way back in 1945 focus was stated as an important element of success. Yet today with increasing competition and increasingly complex and quicker evolving search systems I still find myself dabbling outside of that realm quite often.

Trainspotting

When I work out a bunch (haven't in a while - need to get on the program) I am known to get more than a bit excited. It is almost like a machine or a thought process or a light bulb turning on. And then when opportunities hit me I also get a bit excited. After a couple hours of working out about 6 months ago I got an email from a Wall Street Journalist reporter.

I was pacing around the house talking to him, and my roommate described my talk like the job interview in Trainspotting, where the guy was high on speed and talking fast but making no sense on any level.

Again recently I overheard someone talking about Trainspotting, so I decided that I would buy it and watch it. I went to Best Buy and asked the lady in DVDs where it was and she said
"hmm...it is probably in action."
Before I could say thanks she continued
"that's a FUCKING great movie!"
I was like whoa! blown away...have never seen an employee do that before. Made me realize how weird I must sound in many of my rants - in person or on web pages.

Trainspotting was a movie about a bunch of heroin addicts, but I think many of the sequences and statements in the movie were made to remind us that we are all screwed up, and that perhaps a normal life really isn't all that normal anyway.

March 23, 2006

Learning Foreign Languages

When language is detached from the physical world it is easy to misunderstand.

Today a nearby girl sent me a message on MySpace. I politely replied. She sent me a message saying:

ha ha was this a nice way of you giving me the kiss off... ha ha Thank you though atleast you are nice about it..awwww I can't believe it.... :) You have a good night

Normally it is the girls blowing the guys off (I so did not mean that literally when I first wrote it, but it does sound funny now reading it) at online dating sites or whatever. This is a rather weird turn of events, unless I am really that hard to understand or she is setting me up for something?

How can I be good at marketing and so shitty at marketing myself? hehehe

Humility vs Self Depreciation

Was told that there is a difference and I needed to work on that.

I usually make sure I am on one side of the fence, but often end up running off in the distance like Forest Gump.

March 20, 2006

Fearing Success and a Steady Boring Path

I loved my trip to Austin. My favorite parts were probably Bruce Sterling's speech, hanging out with Andy and Amy, and morning walks near the river. If I did a morning walk like that 3 times a week I think I would be at least twice as happy as I am.

I am back to the day to day grind and think one of the reasons I have not felt as good as I should, is that with the luck in market timing and resources I have been given, I have not felt like I created anything truly inspiring, original, or fundamentally market changing.

I have had some people tell me otherwise from a personal level, but I have so much more potential than what I do, and each day I don't really see myself getting closer to exploiting it. I have been chipping away doing the small boring predictable stuff. I get great customer feedback, but if you become used to getting it you can take it for granted and the excitement wears off. Then what?

In the last month I got offered to become a teacher at three different places, and one of the potential opportunities could have had me teaching masters level courses at a college. WTF is THAT for a kid that never went to school and only began learning what he is doing about 3 years ago?

Others would probably kill to be in that position, and I think that should qualify me to be happy, but for some reason (maybe I am just tired) I feel like I am just letting time pass me by. Any time I have taken a personality test I always fall under that dreamer category. While I still learn something most every day, I have not felt that I have been adequately challenging myself over the past year (physically, mentally, or socially). And frankly, I wouldn't even know where to start with being social. Maybe reading a book about it? hehehe

I have killed the sugar addiction and my weight is coming down (already lost 14 pounds in 2 months without lots of effort), so that is still fixable. But I guess I have just started to become somewhat successful and yet I fear that if I do not change something soon I will find that I am old and alone, and that I never found what I really wanted because I settled on the first thing that I was successful at.

I see other people do what I can tell they are truly inspired in (Bob Dylan, Tim Berners-Lee, Radiohead, Carl Sagan, The Pixies, Bruce Sterling, Danny Sullivan, Paul Van Dyk, Noam Chomsky, The Strokes) and wonder where my role is. How can I be both inspiring and truly inspired by what I do?

I think the social, physical, emotional, and mental isolation and boredom would be solved if I found what I really wanted to do. I just have to find it. What happens if it is not on the web? Will I find it? Or will I need to wait until everything is connected on the web?

March 9, 2006

Letting Life Change as It May

So I am usually a bit isolated. I also see the glass as being half empty and a bit shattered. And I really have not let myself change that.

Recently it has been getting much harder to see life so pessimistically. In a non pessimistic way I can still say President Bush is a scumbag excuse for a human being...but I can be positive about it. Like how much effect does he have on my life? Not much really. Large parts of the system were already pretty broken before he took the helm. With any luck we can get 1 or 2 more idiots like him in charge so the country can be bankrupted, system burned down, and everything started anew.

But I say all that in a non negative way. As people get squeezed they become more inclined to react. No point hating human behavior or trying to change the way other humans act if I am not as happy as I should be with my own life.

Sure people are being manipulated, but other than collecting feedback about things I like and things I do not like I really am not in a position to change too many lives in a major way. Plus who is to say I know what is the right way to change things? Odds are pretty low that my answers are self sustaining if I find myself frequently driven by isolation, fear, depression and/or anger.

Like I said though...too many good things have been happening - in spite of me being too negative AND sick. I am going to consciously try to be positive...at least for a bit.

March 6, 2006

Me me me...

things I have:

  • fever
  • flu
  • chronic cough

people I just saw:

  • about 50 SEO buddies
  • Paul Van Dyk
  • Collin Quinn
  • The Strokes - they were stupid good

how absurd is it that you can do someting really cool in NYC like every night of the week? would have perhaps been even cooler if I were not so sick.

things I must do:

  • catch up on web stuff
  • sleep water exercise eat decently get well etc
  • pay bills cash checks taxes etc
  • get ready to go to Texas in 4 days

February 25, 2006

People Who Saved My Life...

I have almost died more times than I can count. I am a bit tired but by no means drunk or anything like that...just think that as I think and experience life I should give thanks to people who saved my life. Of course I doubt they will read this, but...

  • my mom - at least twice that I know of, but probably many times more when I was too young to know...back in the days of little Matt, and of course she had me...as big as I was at birth that must have been more pain than I have ever felt!
  • my sister
  • my friend Joe R
  • my friend Bob T
  • my friend John M
  • my friend NFFC (more inspirational and wisdom than direct life saving...but he needs to be on this list)
  • Tim Berners-Lee (he actually emailed me back when I emailed him too) - the machinery of capitalism would have killed me without the web ... see below
  • someone who honked when I fell asleep driving many years ago
  • someone who put up a guard rail I hit many years ago (I still am uncertain why car insurance only costs me about $21 a month)
  • the person who gave me whatever drugs I took and got kicked out of the navy for taking...that place made me flat out suicidal for most of over 3 years straight
  • the military recruiter that was too lazy to check my discharge code or why I got out early...got me a job that held me over until I was making $100 a month off the web, and naive enough to think I could make it alone. I never went on unemployment, and would have seen it as completely morally devastating to have needed to glom off anyone...that would have taken the self worth lower than I have felt even after waking up in a hospital after almost dying from ignorant self-destructive behavior.
  • someone who did too many drugs about 4 years ago, and was laying on the floor with blood oozing from his mouth...showing me what a fuck up I was at that time for even living like that.
  • all the other people who watched on in confusion while high...most all of them giving shitty advice. and then, with class, most started dancing like 1 minute after the guy who either died or nearly died was removed from the club (that really drove the point home pretty hard)...showing me how little I belonged where I was and how shallow the environment was

I still do not understand the point of life, or the fact that my sleazy country has weapons that can blow up virtually all living things. I do realize that I have great friends and more people have saved my life than I have done the same for, so while I figure out whatever my purpose is I need to find ways to do the favor back to others.

February 14, 2006

Hype Around Me

I am doing another update of my ebook right now. I have not done one in a while...so I feel it is a cool thing to do another one.

It is hard keeping track of everything I am doing and want to do. I have done really well on the publicity front recently, but it has become weird to see my name so much.

Sure I guess I search for it and look at citations, but for some of the nice things others say about me I still think I have a long way to go to being the person I want to be. I am wondering if by going after building a name and a brand I sorta got what I wanted only to realize I didn't want it.

Now I find it hard balancing everything I want to do, and most of what I do is outside the core of what I think life should be about. Helping others is exceptionally important. I think I do that, but I also have fallen behind on email, am still rather antisocial, and have bad eating and sleeping and exercise habits.

I went to work out with my personal trainer today and she seems like she is always really happy. I am a bit perplexed because with all of the good news that has happened recently I would expect me to be far happier about life than I am.

For some people looking up to me I still am seriously misguided in many ways, but I did just eat a salad...something I rarely do, and maybe I can work that angle a bit more.

I still don't really know how to be social though...off of the web at least. My older siblings typically made me feel like a third wheel. I typically had few friends growing up. A week after high school I joined the military. The first thing they teach you at boot camp is that you are a piece of shit. The thing I learned at their classes was that they were boring. The thing I learned on the boat was the art of binge drinking...and that was really about my only social activity for about 4 years or so.

I don't drink that often anymore, but I still get bombed from time to time. I think I may have kicked the whole blacking out thing, but I certainly walk the line on that.

What scares me more is that there are emerging information systems that allow you to tap the experience of culture without ever experiencing it. We are inherently social creatures. Temporarily some of these social systems can replace human interaction, but inevitably being closed off leads to self-doubt, depression, and lowered social skills. The cycle is self reinforcing as well. After a while you like the isolation because it is comfortable and the results are predictable...but without social interaction I think life is without purpose.

How can you really understand who you are if you don't hang out with and learn from other people? How do you become social? Is it ok to not be social? Are those who are tucked away bound to some type of misery and regret?

I buy so many books, but have not even been reading them as much. Music is a great connection because there is so much emotion wrapped into a few minutes, but it is still not social as I doubt I have ever heard a song that was wrote for or about me, and I would probably be freaked out if I ever did ;)

February 8, 2006

Pa Thetic...

I did a bunch of lifts before I did curls, but I normally do those in a roundabout way...I did them straight up and was so pathetic that I was struggling doing 20 pounds.

I usually do 25 to 30 and when I work out a bunch I do like 45 or so

doah

Personal Trainer Today!

So I get to meet my personal trainer today.

I am so thick that it should not be hard to shave about a dozen inches off the waistline. ;)

Surprisingly for my size I still think I am more athletic than at least 90% of people are. I can do stair steppers on levels like 2/3 the way up for about an hour.

My upper body is a bit weak for my size, but when I start lifting it really only takes about a month for me to double my bench, curl, # of pull ups or push ups I can do, and all that related jazz.

I have sorta an inverse law of bench pressing...like when I weight about 240 or 250 I can probably only bench about 150, but when I weigh about 180 I can bench closer to 300 (usually around the 275 to 285 range).

February 2, 2006

You Only Need to Have Motivation and Track Results if...

So I occasionally jump on the scale to look at my weight, but it shifts back and forth a bit, and really that does not matter.

So long as you want to and are willing to make life changes then you really do not have to track your progress so long as you know it is being made.

I can make unreasonable comparisons, like comparing myself to when I was younger, did a bit of speed based drugs, and went out to party 3 or 4 nights a week and feel like I would never be in that good of shape. But then on another front I could also realize that I have always ate shitty food. Simply change that and don't be a total hermit and I should lose plenty of weight.

The people who sell pedometers say you should do 10,000 steps a day. A large part of the need for counting is to justify their existence, but I bet I probably do about 6,000 or so steps a day between 40 minutes on an elliptical machine and walking around the house.

To do 10,000 steps a day you would need to walk for about 2 hours a day...that's a lot for a work at home person without much in the line of family or friends nearby...but it should not be hard to find other forms of exercise outside of the precor that are cool.

I would love to see me do Yoga because it would look ridiculous.

Thank god for spell check... you know before I corrected it there were 6 misspellings in the short passage above.

January 21, 2006

Things I am Bad at...Singing and Purpose

Singing...hehehe

I realize that training and equipment matter, but right now I am a really bad singer.

I have had DJs ask to use my logo (hehehe) and I have had bands ask to be able to use lyrics I write, but I am listening to myself sing right now, and it really is just no good at all on any level.

It is cool to listen to even though it may be no good. Just to hear that I was unafraid to try it even if I was the only one who heard it.

I tend to break down the things I do and build up that which others do. And my levelheadedness is not real level per say. I am not posting this to my other site because I do not want to feel like a huckster, but I just got this feedback:

THANK YOU and great job on your book.

I just finished your book and don't know if a darn thing you said in it will actually work. But I can tell you put your HEART AND SOUL into it and that is much appreciated.

I usually read technical books hoping to find one or two good ideas. I found SO MUCH INFORMATION in your book I was compelled to organize them in a spreadsheet. Great work and thanks for your efforts.

Feel free to publish my comments anywhere you wish.

There are a few things about that feedback that don't feel right. For example, I get used to that sort of feedback so it means less than it should. Like if you hear something often enough you may believe it is true, but at the same time as your exposure to an idea is increased the value of the experience seems to go down.

Hate to use examples that are bad, so I will try to use a good one. Lets say I don't exercise for 3 months. Then the time I go an exercise it feels amazing because I really light up receptors I have not used in a while...and thus appreciate the experience more. Whereas if you feel something often it becomes average or normal such that feeling it does not hit your receptors quite as strong.

And yet if you don't appreciate the day to day going ons of life does it matter if you have amazing experiences you can't forget once or twice a year? Is that really living?

As a direct marketer of sorts things become predictable and thus boring for me. Like the other part of that testimonial that doesn't feel good is that over the last year I have lost much of the passion which once drove me.

Yes I may be doing better, but now there is less drive and meaning. And it hurts to some extent knowing that the main reason I find meaning or purpose in life is when I am faced with something I don't agree with. It means that by natural or artificial means I have to bring some sort of conflict into my life to have goals. And well that is hollow feeling when you notice the pattern.

knowing that everything once living
will eventually die
makes me wonder what patterns
and thoughts
will live past my grave

will it be the grave injustices
or the broken things
in my life and mind
that led me toward things
I distaste

or will I find purpose
this collection of atoms
doing more than
floating in space
randomly disassociating
with that which
is expected
is tasteful
is right

other than change
is there a purpose
to life

and will I aim to change
things of which the result
I am ignorant to
things which I will never know
even after I die

the leaves have the most color
and show their true selves
right before they die

but if you never know
when it will come
or why
how do you prepare
and is it something
other than fair
to expect that the random
dis associations
that bring light to an interesting day
will only truly make sense
right before everything darkens

and if the only purpose
is to find one
how do I know
if my efforts are misspent
when days I walk astray
lead me back on a path

how do I come
to appreciate life
when I typically
appreciate
that which is rare

I have friends which have knowledge that extend beyond this orb and the current set of text that believe in me enough to share with me things they do not tell their own children. I guess closing with that I should either be known as crazy or feel some sense of responsibility. Thing is I am not sure which.

January 20, 2006

Red Shifted

So I was driving home on the interestate yesterday and the sun was sorta overhead, but a bit ahead, and it was a bit to the left. There were a bunch of leaveless skinny trees in the center of the interstate, which meant that I kept going from being in sun on my eyes to being in shade. Back and forth.

I am certain it caused me to view everything in front of me as flashes of red. It may have also done blue, but the contrast of the blue sky and winter earthtone colors was not as noticable as the contrast with red.

January 16, 2006

The Curse of the Weight Loss Blog

So I gave my mom my old weight loss blog. She bought a new scale and now is 5 pounds heavier than what the old scale showed.

I gave her the blog a little over a month or so ago...recently I started exercising. Last Monday (January 9th) I weighed 248 pounds. This Monday I am 242.

A friend of mine and I have a bet that the last one to 200 has to eat haggis. He is at 230 but I can lose weight quicker because I am crazier.

I probably won't do a lot of health / diet blogging because I feel that might end up being a curse for me. But I wanted to remember my starting date and weight.

Have went to the gym 5 days in a row. Have not done any anarobic exercise yet. Just aerobic stuff. I might go back again later tonight and do a bit of light weight stuff.

January 6, 2006

How to Feel Like a Horrible Person in 1 Step

Spend an hour teaching your mom how to do something that took you a minute to learn and then after she repeatedly says she can't do it say that "well spend some time hunting around you really need to figure it out" and then hear her hang up the phone while frustrated and crying.

It really makes me question the purpose of life when you try to help people you love and make them cry out of it.

I put myself in a shielded shelter where many people rely on me and I rely mostly on electrons and relationships that are built mostly on electrons...not actual real physical relationships, so when I make my own mom feel shitty I probably will end up feeling like shit for at least a week. Plus it's her birthday soon.

It also reminds me why I would be a shitty boss...I expect way too much of most people because in most every environment I have been in I do more than most people do. Sometimes I think I am more mechanical and algorithmic than human, and it gets to be really easy to just feel numb...which leads to random unpredictible fucked emotional outbursts where I fuck myself over beyond belief.

Really reinforces that does anything really matter? If so, why? thing I think about often.

January 5, 2006

Lenses Breed Interesting Friendships

So I was thinking that my life path has perhaps been a bit detatched from what most do...like being a nuclear reactor operator on a submarine is not a normal job...in fact out of the small sub crew only 5% or so ever do that job.

In spite of how bad I have screwed up some things I am amazed at all the cool people I have crossed paths with, and perhaps some of the weird substories around them. A few examples:

  • A friend of mine who could not get a job after getting out of the navy became my web programmer and one of my web designers. He is likely to eventually at least intern for Google. I bet he ends up working for them, and I may try to ping a few friends at Google to see if they can help my friend get a shot there.
  • From a random help wanted ad for $300 I ranked an adult sex toy shop. The site was later sold, and since then I have partnered up with the guy who owned it to do other projects.
  • A few years ago I bought drugs off a person at a concert and later they hired me to help market their website, which has to be one of the weirdest customer acquisition techniques yet.
  • Through environmental influence and heavy drug use I better understood depression and perhaps have learned to be a bit steadier (I hope).
  • Through most of childhood I was legally blind. But did not know it. That helped me appreciate seeing life through various lenses.
  • My roommate I met from the boat. He taught me a lot about culture, counter culture, and even to appreciate science a bit more.
  • I went to one of my friend's parent's house and spoke with them a bit over the new year. In 2004 he literally won the equivalent of the Nobel Prize for Astronomy.
  • As a kid my siblings screwed with me for liking the care bears. About 1.5 years ago a really uber cool girl gave me her good luck bear to sleep with and later I found good luck. She humped me. And it was cool. My mom still buys me care bears without maybe knowing that bit of the care bear story, but if she reads this she will now know.
  • My experiences made me heavily question authority. My nature made me want to rant about it. My nature made me write a book about making machines view people as important. Which led me to learn why people view ideas and people as important.
  • Learning that last bit helped me meet some of the best internet marketers in the world and allowed me to do well without ever needed to be an employer or employee for the rest of my life.

I tend to get bored rather easy while in groups of people, but I am not certain if that is a fault because the people I do get to know end up being really cool. Am I passing up on meeting many good cool people, or are my exotic off standish filters perhaps treating me better than I could have ever expected?

January 4, 2006

MySpace

So I have no friends, but I do have a MySpace profile. :)

December 9, 2005

Believing the Lies I Tell Myself

So the other night I was in Chicago.

Since I was doing a bit of public speaking at an event that costs a few grand to go to I decided to dress up a bit. I wore a dress shirt that was about at thin as silk. A friend from Denmark was over with a coat on talking about how cold it is. I did not wear a coat and told myself I was not that cold...and I was not.

In many times in many places in many ways I lie to myself, and often enough I think I realize that I am doing it and I recognize the potential outcomes. Most of the time the short term outcome of the self lie is positive. Sometimes it blows up badly, but then I have to learn to avoid those situations. It is much harder to see the longterm trends with it though.

A few lies or thoughts I need to remember to always tell myself:

  • it is not that cold in the winter
  • music and water make me less hungry
  • exercise makes me less hungry

I also tell myself that I have lower than average serotonin levels...which I think is almost a logical deduction based upon lots of reading, drugs I once liked, and the various life experiences I have had.

Sometimes I tell myself shitty lies. Those are the ones that blow up bad. Usually the blow up worst when combined with prolonged periods of isolation and / or alchohol.

While occassionally people will take time out of their days to treat me like a piece of shit many people also go out of their ways to be exceptionally kind to me. And sometimes I even have a few fans, which to me is obviously weird.

Between random acts of kindness from strangers, many friends, and family I believe that many of the bad (or destructive) lies are sorting themselves out...which is cool. Some things I still have to learn to let go of though.

How I believe my own lies allows stuff to go thermal runaway a bit much...really happy or really sad. Not so much in the middle. Not that it is necissarily bad, I just need to recognize limits and live at least some % of my life in a reality similar to some of those around me :)

Simple Algorithms & Music that You Learn that Learns You

So I have heard of this or something similar before, but have not been to Pandora in a great deal of time.

Holding true to form with my algorithmic mind I was almost more interested in the related recommendations than the music...although music makes me happy :)

I started skipping a bunch of songs and after about 10 to 12 they stated their license limits the number of songs you can skip in an hour.

Part of me wants to test the nearby computer to see if the limit is IP based or computer based :)

November 28, 2005

Talked to My Laywer

Feel a good bit better about things now...sometimes a simple chat makes things better.

Secret Admirer? WTF?

Eeek...so a few posts ago someone said they were a secret admirer.

Last time I remember someone writing that to me was when I was in seventh grade. The letters started out sorta normal (but a bit weird) and then progressively got weirder and weired...until eventually the person started writing really sexual stuff and then said they were gay.

I am fairly certain it was people screwing me (as I really doubt there were too many sexually aggressive 7th grade gay boys at my school back then).

I always wonder why people admire others. I usually do not admire others for long periods of time. I could explain that later in another post sometime.

The Un-Thankless Bastard

I meant to post this earlier, but hey I didn't...

So I feel less like a thankless bastard I thought I would state things that I am thankful for:

  • the web, which prevents me from from having to be some sort of shitty corporate yes man
  • Tim Berners-Lee for creating the web
  • Tim Berners-Lee for creating the web
  • the Wall Street Journal. Not only for posting about me, but for doing a follow up about Matt Marlon: "Mr. Marlon, 61 years old, filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy-court protection in 1996. In 1997, Mr. Marlon was indicted on charges of conspiracy to manufacture a controlled substance. He later pleaded guilty to a lesser charge, related to possession of a chemical used to make methamphetamine, and was sentenced to three years of probation, including six months of home confinement. The court record for his drug offense said he also had an alias, 'Jimmy Ray Houts.'"
  • My mom. She has gotten a ton nicer recently. And without the stubbornness I inherited from her I would have never been successful in any way.
  • The navy. For teaching me that the more something is sold as being good the less likely it really is any good. And for forcing me to believe less in others and more in myself.
  • Nuclear power. For teaching me that things that sound exciting or interesting don't have to be so.
  • MDMA. Although I have not done it in forever, for a while it was really fun <-- gotta bet mom will like that one being on the list :)
  • Serotonin. Why MDMA was so good.
  • Sunlight. Feels. So. Good. Need to make sure I get lots of it...especially in the winter.
  • The Care Bears. More specifically Good Luck Bear. When I was a kid they ruled. Also one girl who knew I liked the Care Bears gave me her Good Luck Bear when I slept out on her couch. I was fairly certain she liked me many ways when she did that, and, well, she is really cool in many ways.
  • Dogs...always fun to play frisbee with unless they run you over.
  • My roommate. Taught me so much about culture while remaining totally counter culture. I am certain he has taught me far more than I could ever teach him.
  • Carl Sagan. Cosmos. Kicks Ass.
  • The peanut. You are the bearer of peanut butter.
  • Tennis shoes. Make sports so much more doable.
  • Starved Rock State Park. I still am really happy when I go there. Even if I go by myself. I will post pictures soon on one of my sites. I think.
  • Music. Like free energy.

Fake Smiles - Smiling Too Hard

Not sure if I have posted about this before, but hey it's random and it's me.

When I was a little kid I used to try to smile really hard. The truth to a smile is in the eyes though, not the facial muscles. I think that is a large part of the reason most of my pictures of me smiling when I was younger looked a bit weird to me.

Right now I am probably in just about the worst physical shape I have ever been in, am chuck full of uncertainty, and my smile does not look as bad as it did when I was a little kid because now I know the smile is in the eyes.

October 12, 2005

Аарон Уолл

I think that is how you spell my name in Greek...just so you know :)

October 9, 2005

Myriad

So the word Myriad is on over 28,000,000 other web pages. I used to not notice how common the word myriad was until I created a site with that name in it. Now I laugh about how much more often I notice the word on websites and in books.

A myriad of things to laugh about. I am corny w a bad sense of humor.

September 27, 2005

Old Amazon Reviews...

Am impressed with how shitty some of my reviews were, like Mariokart:

Few things in my life are important to me. Mario Kart is one of those things. I have yet to find another who could honestly compete with me in this game.

While it may be an indication that I am pathetic or misguided, Mario Kart is a great source of pride for me.


How dumb sounding is THAT?

Weekend Highlight

I went to the Austin City Limits Festival, warning: but I am a nerd. ;)

Franz Ferdinand is awesome, but I got smoked by the sun so bad the first day that I tried to only listen to music at nighttime for the last two days. That caused me to miss out on a bunch of the music that I wanted to see. Coldplay kept mentioning The Arcade Fire, which makes me pissed that I missed them twice now...once at Coachella and once at ACL.

I also wanted to see Death Cab for Cutie, Tegan and Sara, Ambulence Ltd, Kasabian, & Rilo Kiley.

The first day was solid music though. I got to see Spoon, Lucinda Williams, The Allman Brothers, The Black Crows, Gov't Mule, and Blues Traveler. I got to see Oasis & Coldplay again. My favorite new (to me) song from the festival is Homesick by Mofro.

I should have looked ahead, I had no idea it was going to be 103 degrees in the shade.

To minimize sunburn I ended up buying a random baseball cap in a second hand clothing store. I had my heart set on a large sombrero, but they did not have any. :(

Here is what makes me an uber nerd...on my way back from the concert the first day I saw Galactica in a laundry washing building across the street.

I managed to hold off for the first two days, but the third day I popped in a quarter. I scored 207,000 points, which is over double my old record. I was within 6,000 points of the machine record on the first quarter. Normally second place makes me mad, but the game was fun and was a great cap to my weekend.

Weekend Highlight

I went to the Austin City Limits Festival, warning: but I am a nerd. ;)

Franz Ferdinand is awesome, but I got smoked by the sun so bad the first day that I tried to only listen to music at nighttime for the last two days. That caused me to miss out on a bunch of the music that I wanted to see. Coldplay kept mentioning The Arcade Fire, which makes me pissed that I missed them twice now...once at Coachella and once at ACL.

I also wanted to see Death Cab for Cutie, Tegan and Sara, Ambulence Ltd, Kasabian, & Rilo Kiley.

The first day was solid music though. I got to see Spoon, Lucinda Williams, The Allman Brothers, The Black Crows, Gov't Mule, and Blues Traveler. I got to see Oasis & Coldplay again. My favorite new (to me) song from the festival is Homesick by Mofro.

I should have looked ahead, I had no idea it was going to be 103 degrees in the shade.

To minimize sunburn I ended up buying a random baseball cap in a second hand clothing store. I had my heart set on a large sombrero, but they did not have any. :(

Here is what makes me an uber nerd...on my way back from the concert the first day I saw Galactica in a laundry washing building across the street.

I managed to hold off for the first two days, but the third day I popped in a quarter. I scored 207,000 points, which is over double my old record. I was within 6,000 points of the machine record on the first quarter. Normally second place makes me mad, but the game was fun and was a great cap to my weekend.

Old Amazon Reviews...

Am impressed with how shitty some of my reviews were, like Mariokart:

Few things in my life are important to me. Mario Kart is one of those things. I have yet to find another who could honestly compete with me in this game.

While it may be an indication that I am pathetic or misguided, Mario Kart is a great source of pride for me.


How dumb sounding is THAT?

Old Amazon Reviews...

Am impressed with how shitty some of my reviews were, like Mariokart:

Few things in my life are important to me. Mario Kart is one of those things. I have yet to find another who could honestly compete with me in this game.

While it may be an indication that I am pathetic or misguided, Mario Kart is a great source of pride for me.


How dumb sounding is THAT?

Weekend Highlight

I went to the Austin City Limits Festival, warning: but I am a nerd. ;)

Franz Ferdinand is awesome, but I got smoked by the sun so bad the first day that I tried to only listen to music at nighttime for the last two days. That caused me to miss out on a bunch of the music that I wanted to see. Coldplay kept mentioning The Arcade Fire, which makes me pissed that I missed them twice now...once at Coachella and once at ACL.

I also wanted to see Death Cab for Cutie, Tegan and Sara, Ambulence Ltd, Kasabian, & Rilo Kiley.

The first day was solid music though. I got to see Spoon, Lucinda Williams, The Allman Brothers, The Black Crows, Gov't Mule, and Blues Traveler. I got to see Oasis & Coldplay again. My favorite new (to me) song from the festival is Homesick by Mofro.

I should have looked ahead, I had no idea it was going to be 103 degrees in the shade.

To minimize sunburn I ended up buying a random baseball cap in a second hand clothing store. I had my heart set on a large sombrero, but they did not have any. :(

Here is what makes me an uber nerd...on my way back from the concert the first day I saw Galactica in a laundry washing building across the street.

I managed to hold off for the first two days, but the third day I popped in a quarter. I scored 207,000 points, which is over double my old record. I was within 6,000 points of the machine record on the first quarter. Normally second place makes me mad, but the game was fun and was a great cap to my weekend.

Old Amazon Reviews...

Am impressed with how shitty some of my reviews were, like Mariokart:

Few things in my life are important to me. Mario Kart is one of those things. I have yet to find another who could honestly compete with me in this game.

While it may be an indication that I am pathetic or misguided, Mario Kart is a great source of pride for me.


How dumb sounding is THAT?

Weekend Highlight

I went to the Austin City Limits Festival, warning: but I am a nerd. ;)

Franz Ferdinand is awesome, but I got smoked by the sun so bad the first day that I tried to only listen to music at nighttime for the last two days. That caused me to miss out on a bunch of the music that I wanted to see. Coldplay kept mentioning The Arcade Fire, which makes me pissed that I missed them twice now...once at Coachella and once at ACL.

I also wanted to see Death Cab for Cutie, Tegan and Sara, Ambulence Ltd, Kasabian, & Rilo Kiley.

The first day was solid music though. I got to see Spoon, Lucinda Williams, The Allman Brothers, The Black Crows, Gov't Mule, and Blues Traveler. I got to see Oasis & Coldplay again. My favorite new (to me) song from the festival is Homesick by Mofro.

I should have looked ahead, I had no idea it was going to be 103 degrees in the shade.

To minimize sunburn I ended up buying a random baseball cap in a second hand clothing store. I had my heart set on a large sombrero, but they did not have any. :(

Here is what makes me an uber nerd...on my way back from the concert the first day I saw Galactica in a laundry washing building across the street.

I managed to hold off for the first two days, but the third day I popped in a quarter. I scored 207,000 points, which is over double my old record. I was within 6,000 points of the machine record on the first quarter. Normally second place makes me mad, but the game was fun and was a great cap to my weekend.

Old Amazon Reviews...

Am impressed with how shitty some of my reviews were, like Mariokart:

Few things in my life are important to me. Mario Kart is one of those things. I have yet to find another who could honestly compete with me in this game.

While it may be an indication that I am pathetic or misguided, Mario Kart is a great source of pride for me.


How dumb sounding is THAT?

Weekend Highlight

I went to the Austin City Limits Festival, warning: but I am a nerd. ;)

Franz Ferdinand is awesome, but I got smoked by the sun so bad the first day that I tried to only listen to music at nighttime for the last two days. That caused me to miss out on a bunch of the music that I wanted to see. Coldplay kept mentioning The Arcade Fire, which makes me pissed that I missed them twice now...once at Coachella and once at ACL.

I also wanted to see Death Cab for Cutie, Tegan and Sara, Ambulence Ltd, Kasabian, & Rilo Kiley.

The first day was solid music though. I got to see Spoon, Lucinda Williams, The Allman Brothers, The Black Crows, Gov't Mule, and Blues Traveler. I got to see Oasis & Coldplay again. My favorite new (to me) song from the festival is Homesick by Mofro.

I should have looked ahead, I had no idea it was going to be 103 degrees in the shade.

To minimize sunburn I ended up buying a random baseball cap in a second hand clothing store. I had my heart set on a large sombrero, but they did not have any. :(

Here is what makes me an uber nerd...on my way back from the concert the first day I saw Galactica in a laundry washing building across the street.

I managed to hold off for the first two days, but the third day I popped in a quarter. I scored 207,000 points, which is over double my old record. I was within 6,000 points of the machine record on the first quarter. Normally second place makes me mad, but the game was fun and was a great cap to my weekend.

Weekend Highlight

I went to the Austin City Limits Festival, warning: but I am a nerd. ;)

Franz Ferdinand is awesome, but I got smoked by the sun so bad the first day that I tried to only listen to music at nighttime for the last two days. That caused me to miss out on a bunch of the music that I wanted to see. Coldplay kept mentioning The Arcade Fire, which makes me pissed that I missed them twice now...once at Coachella and once at ACL.

I also wanted to see Death Cab for Cutie, Tegan and Sara, Ambulence Ltd, Kasabian, & Rilo Kiley.

The first day was solid music though. I got to see Spoon, Lucinda Williams, The Allman Brothers, The Black Crows, Gov't Mule, and Blues Traveler. I got to see Oasis & Coldplay again. My favorite new (to me) song from the festival is Homesick by Mofro.

I should have looked ahead, I had no idea it was going to be 103 degrees in the shade.

To minimize sunburn I ended up buying a random baseball cap in a second hand clothing store. I had my heart set on a large sombrero, but they did not have any. :(

Here is what makes me an uber nerd...on my way back from the concert the first day I saw Galactica in a laundry washing building across the street.

I managed to hold off for the first two days, but the third day I popped in a quarter. I scored 207,000 points, which is over double my old record. I was within 6,000 points of the machine record on the first quarter. Normally second place makes me mad, but the game was fun and was a great cap to my weekend.

September 25, 2005

Wonderwall

Oh the irony...so in high school I did not listen to much music for a few years. The only radio I listened to most of the time was a political talk show from like midnight to 4 am.

Oasis got somewhat popular back then and had a song called Wonderwall. Another dumb nickname I picked up, and I denied that it was even really a song for months until I finally heard it.

Recently I was in the UK and one of my best friends wife said Oasis is the #1 UK band, etc etc etc.

Tonight Oasis was at Austin City Limits and I went to hear them play. They played Wonderwall dedicating the song to all the ugly girls in the crowd. They really could not be any more arrogent, but I like their songs.

They also played Champaign Supernova, which was their other song that became rather well known over here.

I like two more of their songs a bunch. What's the Story Morning Glory and So Sally Can Wait. In spite of only playing for about an hour and having around a half dozen albums they also got those two songs in. So Sally Can Wait was dedicated to the fat ugly girl who looks like an Owl. Everyone started looking around and then the singer just said "I was just fucking with all the crazy people, like the dude waiving the Scotland flag. What the fuck is that?"

They also closed out with a cover of My Generation, but I think the drums were a bit too loud or for some reason the guitar did not come out as solid as the original - although that would be hard to do.

The arrogance of the lead singer also greatly showed when near the end of singing a line in Champaign Supernova he pulled away from the mic to give the drummer a nasty look.

I guess what is ironic is that I never thought I would hear the song Wonderwall or that it was even a song...and then eventually I ended up hearing it live when most the people giving me shit and that nickname probably still never have.

September 24, 2005

Impatient Consumer

So recently I noticed myeslf pissed off on multiple occassions for having to wait on people for about 10 minutes. And once was for something I was 10 minutes late for.

How shitty is that?


It has to be

So I am at a cool concert in Austin Texas. Blues Traveler played last night, and speaking of the then upcoming hurricane Rita, said that hurricanes bring out the worst and the best in people. I think I spend a bit too much time trying to define others and ideas of others and not enough time trying to define myself.

I still screw up a lot of stuff, and yet I do not focus lots of effort on improving those areas because at the same time I have this self fulfilling prophecy that my faults also bring out my best pieces...at different times in different ways.

Things don't have to be good or bad...they can just be. The key to work on is appreciating that to avoid the need or desire to have far departures from the norm.

Not sure my point, but there you have it ;)

September 21, 2005

Witnessing a Hit and Run

Van smokes a bicycle at about 40 miles an hour. Does not stop. Blows the red light and keeps on going.

Do you mention that you saw it? Do you say nothing. Bicycler is OK other than being in shock and pissed as it looked like the van only smoked his front tire (he picked his bike up and threw it across the street).

Van was going really fast and would have been hard to catch up with.

What is the right thing to do? Do you speed up and catch up with the van (which might require dangerous driving)? Do you do nothing?

September 20, 2005

Helpful Feedback

So I get a good amount of hate mail or people who expect me to build their business model without them giving me one cent, but it is always cool to hear when things go well, like...

I wanted to thank you for your site and tips.

If it hadn't been for your advice and example it probably would have taken a much longer time for me to get "it".

I don't claim to be a SEO expert or anything but you have been very helpful at making more successful in my endeavors.

Particularly the new tool I wrote would never have been shared if you hadn't recommended doing it. I just never got the social aspect of the web and how sharing your good ideas can help you succeed.

Thanks for saving me a lot of time learning the hard way.

September 6, 2005

Who's Fault but My Own

Who's fault but my own that my teeth
are sharp
even the ones that shouldn't be
and I cut my tounge when I drink
and yet I let myself over eat

Who's fault but my own that my shape
discourages me
Who's fault but my own when my shape
is usually due to my own activity
or inactivity
Am I the type who only has time to type? why?

Who's fault but my own that I step
to find my foot sinks too heavily into the ground
Who's fault but my own that I fell
and a broken stick snapped in my leg
Who's fault but my own that in nights unremembered
I lost clothes to New England swamps
On an icy winter night

Who's fault but my own that my shell
and my reflection
mearly reflect what is on my mind
Who's fault but my own that my mind
is still hung up on things that no longer matter

Who's fault but my own that I believe
in no causes
most everything that is evangelized
is founded in hypocricy
and because I say that
others must remind me
that someone loves me

Who's fault but my own that summer
has ended
and yet I am no better or happier than I was last winter

Who's fault but my own that I freed myself
from needing to work jobs I hate
only to become complacent
and stop learning

Who's fault but my own that daylight is breaking
and I have been lying awake
stagnent as the night passes
and I inch closer to death

Who's fault but my own that thousands
of people read most things I write
and give me feedback faster than I can ask for it
yet often know not what to do with it

Distractions have done their job
but it is time for me to do mine
and that means doing something
other than writing this line :)

September 3, 2005

Yippie

I can now visit my sister again.

August 30, 2005

Bad Things Come In...Three's?

Recently there was a bad hurricane.

Today my door broke. I fixed it.

Today one of our hot water lines broke and flooded the house. I depressurized the system, fixed the leak, & am drying out some of the damage.

Today my roommate started college, but the college did not process his admission check yet.

I just found out my brother had one of his lungs collapse. :(

I have not been on the best of terms with him recently, and it fucking hurts to think of people being really sick when you are not on the best of terms with them.

August 13, 2005

Airplane Isle or Window Seat

I never want the center seat because I am fat. heheheh... I like to have something to lean onto or an area where I can use more space and not be bumping someone else.

I usually opt for a window seat, because you get to look out the window and there is a wall to sleep against. Recently I had isle seat twice.

One flight this lady and her kid got up 6 times on the flight. I got stuck getting up like 10 times on one 3 hour flight. That is annoying.

On a flight on the way back I got another isle seat and this kid had me get up 3 times before the plane even took off. Once getting me yelled at for not being seated for the plane takeoff. The same kid woke me up because he had to use the bathroom a few minutes before the end of the flight. A general tip that works, is if you feel a strong downward force on the plane it is probably too late to use the bathroom.

Of course there are other things that are far more important...but there is my whinge.

Definition of a Guru

So I argued to my roommate that anyone ... given enough motivation, can within 2 years chase their interests and have it be more than self funding. It may require cost cutting, etc...but I think anyone can learn enough about their interests within 2 years to where they are paid to learn more about whatever they are truely interested in.

I define a guru as a person who knows what they want to do well enough to be able to make a living doing whatever they want, whereas my roommate thinks you have to be known as one of the best in the world to be a guru or whatever.

To me knowing people well enough to know who the true industry gurus are and being able to talk to them makes you a guru. One of the biggest problems of success is that people become arrogent and think they know everything. I realize that often I am a complete tool and that others know way more than I do.

Knowing your own limitations is important, although I really need to be a bunch more balanced than I have been or my character flaws will hurt my ability to be able to learn. If people like you it is far easier to do well, but I act somewhat weird in social situations and really need to become less socially inept.

August 12, 2005

Bad Conditions: Due to Bad Philosophy or Shitty People?

So generally I think I am a pretty good person, although perhaps one who lacks balance. A number of shitty things have came my way for seemingly no reason at all, whilest others are completely self inflicted.

Sometimes people are at fault and sometimes the networks are. Prettymuch right now I am doing way better than I deserve to, and other than a lack of willingness to forget somethings from the past (due to fearing a lack of drive going forward) I sometimes serve myself up shit deals on a silver platter.

Sometimes networks, philosophies, and the underlying systems are at fault as well though. In the past there was one guy on the submarine who was a great division leader who became a complete piece of shit when promoted.

It is hard to balance supply / demand, workers / work, happiness / health, productivit> / efficiency, odds are that the more you decide what is right for you the better off you will be in the long term. To do well in some areas I have clearly let some others slide. I really need to balance that out if I want to be a non shitty person who appreciates life.

July 25, 2005

Psychonauts...Kicks Ass Video Game

Kick ass video game.

For a long time I gave up on video games, writing them off as too complex and seeing them as a trivial waste of time. RBI Baseball was all I needed. Three buttons, easy to win, and possible to win 30 - 0 in two innings. Psychonauts uses like 10 buttons and some of them you even custom set. A few spots I got frustrated and stuck, but for the most part I found most of the game easy to play. Some of the worlds fold and warp in on themselves, so playing a game like that on a 2 dimention screen is a bit different than anything else I have done before.

Another interesting thing is that with the game you end up going inside the minds of many others, into their own little worlds, and to see some of the problems the various other people have. Sure it may sound stupid, and the game play is definantly cartoony, but it reminds me of the petty small things that are big in my life.

If someone were to jump into my mind what thought figments would they find? What parts of my mind would be cloudy? By exploring the minds of various cooky people it becomes easier to see the problems in some not so cooky people in the real world. Of course much of it is surface level but the game did end up causing me to have crazy dreams last night.

Sometimes when you dream there are illogical bits which end the dream or flip you off to another (at least it seems that way with me). Last night those did not flip me out of my dreams. My dreams kept going and kept getting more and more wacked out.

Do video games have any affect on children? Well if they cause me to have or remember crazy dreams I am sure they do things to children too, but all in all they can be as much of a positive as a negative.

I am not one who is great at that thing they call moderation though, and have played that game about 25 hours last week.

here is a free Psychonauts tips and tricks online guide

July 4, 2005

When the Fireworks End

So the roomie wanted me to go grab some beer, and on my way there I noticed fireworks going off. So I pulled into a parking lot and watched for a bit.

Some of the fireworks were interesting. Others were rather routine.
A B C
A B C
etc etc etc

And thats how I view many things. Repetitive and predictable. It has been a while since I have challenged myself to find things that were not predictable.

I live in my boxed off comfortable little world where everything works well and I say it does, but it's sorta sad that I still feel I have fallen short of my potential.

I have came a long way quick, and within a few years from zero I am at the point that companies worth hundreds of billions of dollars have asked for my advice. I also think I get to help many people, but I don't usually appreciate most of the things I do or most of the things others do for me.

I left the fireworks while they were still in progress because after they end they are over. And then what's next? By leaving in the middle I don't have to worry about them ending and then not knowing what to do, or the associated drop off in happiness that occurs when a cool event ends and you must look for something else to look forward to.

In all reality the fireworks are not that big of a deal to me and I do not appreciate them that much, but the whole not liking an event to end thing...wishing to be stuck in a moment or whatever...that parallels the way I think.

On another front, I also do not really understand the point of the fireworks, as many of the ideas this country have once stood for now have fallen by the wayside. Sure people can make comparisons about other places being worse, but 1 in 138 US citizens are in jail, you don't progress by comparing yourself to things that are worse off, and many of the things that are worse off elsewhere are that way because of our country.

By leaving that I wonder submerged in some corner in my brain the event remains far more interesting. I don't have to look back and evalutate where I was in error. I don't have to think about the huge hole in the Ozone my flight just caused.

I don't usually dream that much, or at least I don't usually remember dreaming about things I really want to dream about, but with many of the things I do I leave some layer of protection, which prevents me from knowing or ever having to worry about what happens when the fireworks end.

I say that I am living my dreams, but in saying that what I really mean is my sole purpose is to find something to desire or do or believe in, and I have plenty of freedoms that help give me the opportunity to do that, I just need to work a bit harder at looking at what that goal is. Having a dream to be able to dream or find a purpose is a bit abstract and bullshit like. I need to find something to believe in.

Why I am a Bad Flyer

So I have flown so many times that normally it is not a big deal. But sometimes when the planes hit choppy air internal chemical responses in by body go off bad.

I have been thinking of it alot, and why that effect hits me so hard sometimes. I sorta came to the conclusion that a large part of that comes from how wreckless I have lived. For like a year I drove without corrective vision when my vision was horifically bad.

Other times I would wear contact lenses on the submarine (exceptionally low atmophere quality) until the contacts would cause green stuff to ooze out of my eyes. I then would say fuck it, I am not going blind. Sometimes I would stand reactor operator with less than stellar vission.

Combine that vison with the fact that I was thought of as a person who knew well what he was doing when I was exceptionally clueless much of the time and it gets to be where it is a bit hard to trust other people doing some things. When I start to panic I view the pilots like I was when I was standing reactor operator. Potentially clueless and possibly in over their heads, with many other people hoping they are not.

July 1, 2005

Carl Sagan is a Bad Ass

Love this quote, from Cosmos...

If we capitulate to superstition, or greed, or stupidity we can plunge our world into a darkness deeper than the time between the collapse of classical civilization and the Italian renaissance, but we are also capable of using our passion and our intelligence, our technology, and our wealth to make an abundant and meaningful life for every inhabitant of this planet, to enhance enormously our understanding of the universe and to cary us to the stars.

June 27, 2005

Lush Marketing: Drink Your Way To The Top

So I recently went to New Orleans. A very over the top type place. I got a bit drunk a few of the nights and a friend teased me about being able to pick up clients when drunk, saying that I should write an ebook about it.

June 19, 2005

Website Feedback & Brand Building

So checking the old inbox today I got this feedback from one person:

i don't know why, but somehow i believe in you..
and this from another:
With the exception of my presence on the forum at searchguild, you are the only person I am in touch with whose judgement I have faith in, with regard SEO in particular and the web in general.
from another person:
I have bought your book and its great - really getting a lot from it even though I'm only still on page 80. Its very reffreshing to hear an honest voice for once I must say.
and from another person:
I would be honored to have you on board
Mind you, I am getting these emails on a Sunday no less!

I have felt exceptionally well for the past few days, and this sort of feedback shows that my work on the web is really starting to pay off :)

Attention and trust are the two most valuable things in marketing.

June 15, 2005

Snap Judgements & Bullshit Reasonings

There are lots of reasons or excuses for out of hand irrational snap judgements. Many times our snap judgements are wrong. It sorta sucks when your snap judgements are wrong. I read a book on the topic of snap judgements and still fuck them up all the time. Makes one wonder what the point is.

Oppssss ... gotta go. QUICK

hehehe

June 14, 2005

Emotional Separation

A key to life is controlling your emotions. That is one of the things that really screws most people.

In areas of conflict, he who can separate his actions from his emotions best usually wins, or at the very least finds the best course of action out of all possible courses.

Words to / from a Friend

So I contacted one of my idols with this:

I don't know how you keep up with everything, have a family, and keep the long view while still noticing most of the short happenings as well.
and he replied
Kind words well appreciated. It is exactly that, a struggle with watching the little and seeing how it adds up to the big. And honestly, I doubt most people even recognize the challenge of trying to keep that balance, so I've got a lot of respect for you noticing like that
sometimes I am exceptionally guilty of placing the short term ahead of the long. I need to grow the fuck up and shift gears a bit.

June 13, 2005

Addiction Poem

A series of addictions
from which to jump or swim
longing for the next

when you can help many
but yourself
it feels fake wearing a smile

oh but the moneys great
and I can do whatever I want
except that I usually just don't care

as you grow older
the mind slows
and I am scared of the though

of the day
I am
no longer addicted

June 12, 2005

The Amusing AaronWall

So this site has a horrifically bad name. It's my name and I use this site to whinge on about random things. If I had to do that over again I may have wished to use a different name.

While you would probably never guess it from this site, some of my other sites are somewhat decent sites focused on topics other than me.

While not actively trying to, this site ranks #1 for my name, which could be bad sometimes because on occassion some of my opinions or whinges might be offensive to many.

I have tried to passively build a few links for my other sites, but this one still ranks #1 in Google. Sorta a pet peeve for me, but it does demonstrate how much easier it is to build linkage data into a random blog than it is to build links into commercial or business type sites.

Of course my other sites could be far more compelling than they are, but I have only been on the web about 2.5 years and am still working on that front.

June 4, 2005

Patriotism - a Piece of a Conversation - Patriotic Stream of Thought

Friend: i believe i read that on Aaronwall.com
thats actually a good read
i enjoy it *pleasure wise* more than SEO book even

me: http://www.google.com/search?q=prison+stocks <-- rank #3. aaronwall.com is a good read? surprised to hear u like it.

friend: it reminds me of the tone / style of Frank McCourt

me: who is that

friend: sometimes rambling, but honest and direct enough that its quite easy to read, and puts the reader squarely in the writer's point of view
he wrote Angela's Ashes <-- highly recommended

me: wow

friend: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684874350/002-3267582-6940854?v=glance

me: thats a strong compliment I think

friend: well, i think if you spent time proofreading, you could actually get a book published by a publisher
4 1/2 stars based on 1692 reviews
(if you wanted to, and i doubt you do)

me: really
interesting
hehehe
actually I eventually will
my end goal of the web
goals
#1 no fucking boss <-- check
#2 not need to worry about money <-- check

friend: i wouldnt want to read a book about SEO, hehe
but a book about shit in navy, or about your sister, would probably be quite good

me: #3 be able to go anywhere and do anything I wanted to <-- about a check - almost there
#4 express my opinions on the navy, fda, and legal system <-- this will eventually be a book
#5 be successful enough that nobody can discredit me
like in the navy I was other than honorable , in rehab, and a psych ward
within a few years of getting out I can make over $100,000 a year without a boss or anyone telling me what to do
what the fuck does that tell you?

friend: I DONT think it means anyone can do it
I think that means, youre the TYPE of person that can do it

me: i did not say anyone can do it
my point is
who was the fuck up
me
or the system that almost killed me and refused to listen to me when I begged for help
which later had to destroy some of its own records of me to justify its actions

friend: yep.
hey man you don't have to convince me the american system is shit

---------
hopefully my friend does not mind me quoting him. I changed his name to friend in case he would have. though, from what I know of him I doubt he would have.

May 15, 2005

Recurring Posts

Sure I have wrote stuff like this before, but right now although I am not in good shape I feel younger than I did two hours ago and younger than I did a year or two ago.

To me the quality of life is higher near youth when innocence exists. I refuse to be anything but idealistic. I may be pescimistic about some things, but some of my thoughts need to be associated with utopian environments to make me really happy. To me anything that reverts the feeling of aging and brings back even a hint of that feeling of innocence is something which is literally worth years of life.

Just called an old roommate and read a good book. While not having the full benefit of face to face human connection, the style of that writing and the phone call make me feel a bit younger and a bit more human today.

May 13, 2005

A Dream of Change

So I had a dream that doctors reconfigured my grandmothers brain via surgery to help her live more happy. Not sure if I was drunk or just purely headonistic, but it sounded like a good idea to me too. So I was in the doctors office and laying face down ready to get my head lopped open. I overheard them giving the speil to someone else and thought "whoa fuck this".

They somehow drugged me, I think shooting some tranquilizer into my brain. When I woke the world was all wavy and I could make little sense of it. I was like screw this I am leaving. So I drove away (while still seeing the world all wavy) but I did not get in a wreck or anything.

The basic thing with the change was that is somehow pulled the brain together. Amplifying lots of sensory inputs and the sense of hapiness.

The dream continued... not sure if this imaginary hospital was in California or if my brother was in Illinois, but he talked about going to watch Coldplay in Alaska. Driving no less. Random.

I think he was somewhere weird as well (like whatever my grandma went through only on a different front).

My dream continued with a few more weird spirals and whatnot, but from it I concluded:
- life is not necissarily as bad as I sometimes paint it to be.
- the human mind is absurdely strong
- if you change someting like your mind permanently you may or may not like the results. it will probably end up for the worse since some of your greatest personal character flaws likely are also responsible for some of your greatest attributes.
- the Navy is a piece of shit. Actually, I have thought that for a while. But on another front, not sure if it was the dream that led me to a new conclusion or what part of the dream.

I got thinking about how things have happened in my life. I never really had to try much. Never had to put much effort into life to do well by whatever arbitrary measurements were set forth (physical or mental ones usually), but have always been at least a bit socially detatched to many things.

I realize that in life I likely needed some motivation, something to attach to, something to believe in, etc. I joined the Navy and actually found something to hate. An emotion to attach to. Odds are, no matter what field I would have went to after high school I likely would have been unhappy.

I am glad the Navy was such an extreme unhappiness because it gave me the motivation necissary to not need to rely on others as much and to find out whatever I wanted to do. I think my picture of the navy might be a bit bleak compared to reality, but then again it is pretty bad, and something needs to offset that rosey marketing B/S.

You rewrite your memories each time you think of them to include events since the last time you thought of them. Perhaps I could learn to do some things to rewrite some of my personal image ideas. Then again, I got to be careful not to lose motivation. Need something positive to attach to. Maybe the Cosmos? ;)

May 6, 2005

Concert Karma

So I had a spare ticket. A scalper wanted to pay me $40 for the two day pass that retailed at $190. I said that I was cool and I would keep the ticket.

Sure enough someone asked me for a free one and I gave it to them. Later on I kept running into them and the second day we hung out most of the day.

I made a couple cool friends and the second day they got me into the VIP section :)

Two days after the concert one of my new friends already emailed me.

May 5, 2005

Things I learned in a day

So when I flew out to California I wrote down the things I thought of on the way out there. I do not spend much time in society and find it interesting when I do :)

Taco Bell
I was shocked to see a 6 year old exclaim about "look there's a Taco Bell."

Immigration
The airport had big TV screens. Arnold Schwartzeneger was talking about the importance of immigration control. Know that in all honesty he does not give a shit about it he was thanking civilians who were guarding the border, meanwhile they are doing nothing to stop imigration.

More immigration = lower wages and more corporate profits. Why would any government controlled by corporations want to slow corporate profits?

Fat w Short Shorts
When you are a really fat guy you should never be seen in public with shorts that are so short that your shirt is longer. Gross.

You're In the Army Now
I got my hair cut before leaving. While waiting for an opening while sitting in the mall I saw a couple Army guys down the hall and though "these assholes are going to try to talk to me". They did. They said "hello". I immediately said "Not a Snowball's chance in hell". Our conversation was over quickly.

Doing Good
Not sure that this thought is necissarily new to me, but generally for one person to do well other people have to do shitty. Most ideas are not ones which create lots of opportunity for others as well. If you are getting ahead someone else is probably getting screwed.

Why I would not buy airline stock
The TSA is a joke which sponges off their profits. Most of them will go bankrupt or remain barely afloat due to occasional government bailouts.

None of them have STRONG BRANDS. If you are one of the healthy companies you keep getting your margins squeezed by the unhealthy ones being bailed out by the government.

Stocks: What are Insiders Trading
Generally given enough time most companies go under. In between birth and death great value is created and destroyed. Earnings is a bogus measurement of what has already happened. To get a true picture of what is going on with a company look at whether the company itself and insiders are buying or selling. That should give you a strong hint what you should be doing. This was from an article I read right before I left.

Value Added Business
Proflowers got their start by selling flowers from a free ecard website.

Line on the Coachella Boards
Love this line:
Saving people from the wrath by keeping it real.

Oh this is gross
My mom told me about a stinky person who sat in front of her on a plane and leaned the seat way back. She said that when he did she said loudly "oh this is gross." When someone put their seat back on me I pictured my mom's story and started laughing.

Blank Words
A friend had "only authoritative" in some of his copy. Only implies redundancy in that case. Like "what are you hiding or lying about"?

Don't use blank / redundant words.

My own Crack
Being honst with myself I am litterly probably addicted to sugar. If I do not change my ways soon I will likely die of diabeties.

First Class
On the flight out an upgrade to first class would have costed $75 more. The seats were not that big. Glad I did not upgrade. It would have been a waste of money.

Flat Footed
I think Fat Feet would be a great store name for a store that exclusively was geared toward people with flat feet.

The Faint - Birth Lyrics

Pretty kick ass song. Kinda mad I missed them at Coachella.

In the beginning there was semen,
In a deep mound of flesh,
And a crest that traveled,
On a wave of their own mess.

Through a tunnel of mucus,
And onto a vault,
With tourists and traffic,
I just paced myself.

Not I as my whole self,
Just the half that I had,
Before greeting the rest,
Of my better half.

A connection was made,
Through the shared love of science,
And vows were taken,
A seat was hired.

A cavern of fluid,
Brought shape to my hide,
In the months that remain,
To the time of my life.

Add flash for the reason,
Was spilling from the crack,
To the palms of the doctor,
To a towel full of scraps.

My brains wouldn't fit,
Through organ sex,
An incision was made,
With a scalpel and mess.

I should have noticed the beauty,
And not how it hurt,
Wet like a cherry,
In the bloodbath of birth.

Website: The Faint

April 28, 2005

James McBrearty

That is the name of the guy I met. I genuinely think that name belongs to a good human being.

You know the rule, GOD does make some good people. James McBrearty was one of them.

Charles Dale Sykora

That is the name of the guy I met. I genuinely think that name belongs to a horrible human being.

You know the rule, GOD does make some accidents. Charles Dale Sykora was one of them.

April 25, 2005

Mike Has a Blog

a friend of mine...prolly a supergenius and computer guru

http://michaelthomas.blogspot.com/

Believe in God?

When I was 3 months old I was sick...until I was 2 years old. I had a fever so high that I went into convulsions. 205 degrees I am told.

My mom said she prayed for me and then I got better.

If nothing else it makes me feel sad for some of the fucked up things I have done.

April 19, 2005

A Friend....

Has a blog about the new pope, Pope Benedict XVI

April 14, 2005

Shall I Court You

So I just picked up another client. Court related. A girl. hehehe

She seems really nice. But actually thats all a coincidence. The point of this post is the theory of girls worth marrying. My roommate was losing sleep for a long time. Like four months thinking of a girl he liked. One of his teachers.

And on the web now my other friend is talking to a girl he met. And loves. And of course has a boyfriend.

Now I am trying to give him relationship advice and explaining the randomness of him crossing the girl he liked. Just like the randomness of us meeting from being in the stupid navy on a submarine. Just like the randomness of him getting me into the web. And me getting into the web ONLY because I was kicked out of the military.

Generally I think most things worth having are probably not usually possessions but relationships. A large # of people excell in this manner. In one way or anther we are all good at certain types of relationships. I do ok on the web. Some people do well with sexual relationships. Some people do well with biz, etc.

The generally point of this post is that most girls worth having as girlfriends or more always are taken. They just go from boyfriend to boyfriend. It makes sense that the pattern would often be that since girls have a stronger need for emotional comfort.

I generally am socially and certainly sexually numb. But I have this computer to type at. hehehe

My friend said two things that hit home hard

1.) like I'm getting to the age where sitting alone in my room isn't going to cut it when it comes to being emotionally happy

2.)it's like...sometimes I get burnt out here...having a hard time fitting in...and having a shitty time with this girl...but then I remember where I came from and it's like...hahahaha...life is fucking awesome

I should think of those more often. maybe just maybe I can then start to think of how to think of myself and what to do with myself. BTW I still think marriage is a scam and most relationships of love are fake ;)

April 12, 2005

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

So I have been sleeping on a $40 bed for a long time. A long time. I think psychologyically I use it as a statement of being frugal...in that I live intentionally cheap.

The problem is that it is quite litterally destroying my back. So today I said screw it and dropped a few grand on a Tempur Pedic memory foam bed. Yippie.

Also my computer is infected with spyware and that pisses me off. I said screw that too. And I spent a grand buying another computer.

Now the $1,000 will probably be quickly recouped in about a month by me being more productive.

The $2,000 will take a bit longer to recoup, but what price should you put on your health?

I still do not think that I am some lavish living fool as I still live in a house that cost less than what I paid in taxes last year.

I also believe or economy is going to fold somewhat soon anyway so really the money doesn't matter. But then again that could be just another lie I am telling myself.

April 7, 2005

The Shortest Winter

Ever since I was about 13 winters were generally a time of misery, isolation, and depression. Other than shortly living in Orlando, where it was warm, most of my winters have always been longer than the last. The end of each year was unimaginably more misserable and longer than the prior.

I got out of the navy 2 years ago and had no business model or skills and the like. Thus that winter sucked as much as the ones in the navy. Arbitrarily stressing over bullshit that doesn't matter. A waste, just like the navy nuclear power program.

Last year was profitable. Not tons of money, but profitable nonetheless. In that I got to pay off debts and focus on learning things that interest me. I still am somewhat isolated in real life, although I have a good number of strong connections on the web.

I also went to a couple conferences around last winter so that too helped break it up.

As you live longer you have more life to compare each unit of time agains. That combined with taking care of finance and business and meeting people at conferences and knowing a good number of people on the web made last year the shortest winter I can remember.

I still am fat and see little purpose in life, but winter is getting shorter, and that is a good sign. Next thing you know I might start eating vegetables. hehehe

March 27, 2005

Smell that Smell

my mom flew to Australia. she got back yesterday.

in the row in front of her was 2 girls and a skanky guy. the two girls compained and got moved away from the stink bomb.

guy then requests to sit at the window seat. the seat in front of my mom ;)

he puts his seat way back, and my mom says "oh this is gross"

she had to put her sweater over her nose not to get grossed out from the smell.

-----------

On a trip today...

I drove the way there. roomie farted. I said "yuck. did you just fart? roll your window down."

while there ate a huge meal. way to much. gluttony is a sin...

rommie drove on the way back. I farted at a red light. rolled window down. roommate said "did you just fart or something? I couldn't smell anything"

later I burped. rommie said "did you just fart or something"

kielbasa, gravy, and way too much food = bad...

Recently...

  • I cleaned my room. It was so dirty it was getting unlivable. Now I can find stuff. Cleaned my car too. Note: need more hangers since I recently bought more pants*
  • I finally got my car insurance switched over to this state. Thought they did that when I moved, but they did not.
  • I got an in state license plate. Hoo ray. Was starting to feel a bit bad about that.
  • Rhode Island sent me a paper asking me to pay my 2002 taxes. The one year when I was in the navy where I used the on base free tax preparation stuff. And it screwed me. hehehe. It should be fixed now though.
  • Have been getting lots of financial stuff in order.
  • Fixed my car window.
  • Installed a new car stereo.
  • Worked out for the first time in many moons. Yippie.
  • I guess I could sum up all of this as random acts of responsibility, but I think it was just a spurt which may again fade ;)

Easter Bar Theme

So I went to the bar last night. The night before Easter.

A friend of mine said his girlfriend was getting baptised. He calls her "the skirt." While some might see that name as offensive (as my roommate does) a think it is kinda a fun name and do not think the kid is trying to be sexist.

Many people must have been going to church because the bar was thined out last night. Real thin in fact.

One weird theme (and not sure if this is some sign from God or some shit) was that a bunch of people at the bar - both guys and girls - had crutches.

Is it a hint that those who do not believe are broken? Maybe. Or maybe the cruthes people knew the bar would be thin and felt more comfortable going out and boosing it up last night.

March 24, 2005

Boredom Sets In

Licking my chipped teeth
with my cut tounge
estatically empathetic
to a world I do not feel or see
other than through an interface
which guides me and may even make me matter
though its doubtful I care
challenge gives life purpose
but when it is removed
boredom sets in

February 26, 2005

On Being Fat

So if inactive I often eat when bored...which is bad when inactive.

Anywho, am pretty fat right now.

I used to be about 190 pounds with around 10% body fat. Am now like 230 or so.

Fucking gross.

Anyhow, many of my pants don't fit but I did not want to buy more clothes because I felt that made it easier to get fatter. And that of course led to not having many clothes that fit. And thus it was easier to be anti social.

Going to NYC for a conference tomorrow.

Went to buy clothes at the near end of winter. Was wearing shorts. Bought a bunch of pants. Now I have a bunch of pants and winter is almost over. And I am fat.

The logical reason for this post is to tell myself that it is not always logical to do the most logical thing or that sometimes my logic is flawed. But will I listen to myself? Who knows. If I were you I probably wouldn't listen to me

hehehe

February 24, 2005

My Biggest Problem with Webcams...

Is that I spend way way way too much time at the computer and dont want to make it seem more lifelike...because it isn't the same.

the other problem is perhaps that it takes away the seclusion but still doesnt make it real life... its kinda a tweener.

February 18, 2005

Beautiful People Write Ugly

In third grade I remember a teacher I had made us all take scraps she cut out from the covers of cards and had us write stories about them.

I had a fox in a corvette. He of course was going to Vegas and I of course had a ton of fun writing about him.

The teacher stated that she thought the class in general was disappointing and that if anyone had any questions about writing they should... ask Aaron.

I later spent time in misery on a submarine. Hated it and wanted to die. While on my way to get kicked out of the navy my bosses said I should... be a writer.

I recently spoke with a friend of mine about what I should be doing...with changes I wanted to do. He of course told me I am hosed.

He said that I was a great writer and that it is a skill that is regularly lacking in most people.

I still do not know anything about technical writing, spelling, or much of the stuff about writing - was that even good grammer?

I am kinda often stuck in my own mind isolated from society other than through what I can express in keystrokes (and up until recently it was not so intentional, but now I am starting to think much of it is). Being fat and isolated and hidden away makes expression easier.

My friend said I should write more. I know to do that I need to read more, but I am starting to learn that what you read is far more important than how much you read, but now I am starting to get interested in too many topics. Maybe its better that way though...

February 14, 2005

WTF is This... hehehe

A reflection stares deeply into a shallow illusion
looking back against the weathering years which have worn vision thin

offering advice he can only give to another
channeling energy and finding balance only in telling others to do so

things he wishes to do or maybe just wishes to wish to do
everyone likes the word improved, but at what cost

honesty is expensive but then what is truth
if you release your greatest hits after three records
it probably means you are a hunk of shit
but who has time to keep writing records

February 10, 2005

Feel Like Garbage

Well I really felt like shit yesterday. Prettymuch I couldn't have stated it to bluntly IMHO.

Steps to screwing myself over:

I used to excercise a bunch. Even early on this month I started that. But the last 5 days I have not done that at all. When I stopped working out was the night I drank for the first time in over a month. Got loaded. I have no schedule so its kinda easy to fall into a hole waking up at 3pm if I get loaded.

Also I was eating healthy for about a week until that night I got loaded. After I got loaded I went and bought junk food. Just ate stupid McDonalds.

Recently really really bad stuff happened on the economic and social front and that really sucks a huge tub of ass since I am not overtly stable on the physical or mental front.

February 6, 2005

When to Stay Quiet

So sometimes it is in your best interests to fully express yourself. There are situations that help you feel better (mental health), or help you make friends (social health), or help you make money (financial health).

Rarely do most ideas and expressions help on all three fronts. Normally at least 1 of those three is an opportunity cost for providing well for the others.

Certain situations are blatently obvious where it makes sense to not show affiliation and perhaps to not even state who you are. Other times there is a need for expression so strong that you are willing to sacrifice one or more of the above to help the others, but its not always easy to know when.

The ideas that do all three of the above are either not well thought through or are genius.

January 30, 2005

Oh MY GOD... THIS is Important

So many people have deeply found beliefs or truths which guide their lives.

Something means nothing to us and then one day something tragic touches someone near us and that moment guides many of our actions until we can no longer act.

I don't much believe in religion, or at least what I know of it at this point. Generally in my mind it fits well under the pyramid scheme category.

Some people trade their days though for hope in what will happen in the next life. My hopes are that I will enjoy portions of this one and help others do the same.

Any fundamental truth is also fundamentally blind and fundamentally false. I give away what is the bulk of my business model absolutely free to legitimate charities. In this I spend a large amount of time saying to build links and how important links are.

Last year I probably gave away about 1,000 of my ebooks and I think less than half of the people said thanks. And maybe about 6 of them linked to me.

Now my point is not that I help people because I expect something in return, but the point of this post is some people in charities:

  • get the bulk of my business model free
  • where I teach them that links are important
  • few of them link
  • and many do not even say thanks

In my own life much of what I do is at least a little blind and near sided...I spend too much time typing about life and not enough actually living it.

For the average person life would probably be a ton better if we did not need artificial motivators (drugs, propaganda, good causes worth my life, etc) to proceed. If we could focus away from ourselves a bit more the world would be a far better place.

As I type this I am staring into a monitor which may be staring back at me, while uncertain whether or not I make sense and whether or not that matters.

January 24, 2005

A Plant or Machine that Learns to Smile

So from day to day I find that one more day is gone. I rush and I do this and I do that and I rush to do this and that, but at the end of most days I find that the next day will just fall into the same pattern.

Sometimes I sit and think and realize a bit of stuff now and again but most of the time I rush without reason.

Sometimes I think the purpose of my life is to try to make life better for those whom I come in contact with, but if I live as a machine or as a plant how can I know anything about humanity?

How do you make life better when you spend most of your life avoiding it?

January 16, 2005

Do the Ends Justify the Means?

given a desired goal
and enough money
I can prove anything

I have scientifical evidence
that the scientifical evidence is bullshit
maybe the scientists are full of shit

pieces of this relational database
I chose to ignore
and others I trust
though it seems open source has not gone far enough

with so much focus on myself
of course I am biased
I just can't detach myself

its hiding me
its biting me
like dogs did to my face when I was young

when bored I eat
and I am bored often

most the shit we consume
is not worth the dollar we spend
which is not worth the paper we print it on

coco puffs is a whole grain food
and reeses cereal helps build strong bones
and school sharpens your mind

the government is in huge debt
its not spam when a senator sends it to you
social security reform is a huge fraud

pay your taxes
do not question your leaders
love your god

do the ends justify the means?
---

Right now I am reading a book by Malcolm Gladwell called Blink: the power of thinking without thinking.

It talks about how through thin slicing information we can sometimes extract more information than years of scientific research could prove.

Is it true? surely it is sometimes. but sometimes not.

Was the book wrote to make money? probably at least in part.

the roommate says he trusts stuff if its done for scientific purposes much more than if it is done for profits. of course most scientific research is done for profit, if only to help humanity or have your name forever etched on some stone or to later write a profitable book about your findings.

pride and personal branding are a type of profit.

many people are doing things they are not interested in ...often due to bullshit reasons like money or other artificial barriers we lay over life.

why should millions of people live in suffering conditions to make a few leaders or some arbitrary god happy?

after years of hard work right before the casket is dropped if one looks back they probably would want to have the ends justify the means.

no doubt I am rather naive
and no doubt many people have tried to manipulate me
its really hard to chose who to trust when you have little trust in humanity, but
I think Malcolm is one of the guys I will trust though.

are ethics nothing but an arbitrary set of statements aimed at manipulating you?

December 15, 2004

U2 One Lyrics - What it is about

So tonight I went out with a friend who just passed all his finals...we went to a bar and listened to live music. The singer / guitar player played One by U2.

My friend told me the song was wrote about a son telling his father that he has HIV. In general, and on the whole, I prettymuch grew up without a father. My brothers father died from AIDS. My brother now has AIDS and seems to care little about life. Worse yet, my sister played a large part of the mother role in my life and now she is stuck in jail for a murder she did not do for fucking decades. While she is in jail for some bullshit she did not do she could lose both her father and brother to AIDS.

I was the young third wheel kid who for the most part did just about nothing wrong and had to fucking live through most types of mental hell growing up...and twenty dollars never said "I love you"...I would flush money down the toilet if it meant that I did not have to be emotionally numb to want to live.

And then the navy made it all worse. When the navy went out of its way to fuck me as much as they could I took that as inspiration to speak out against how fucked up the US navy is...and will do until the day I die or they unfuck their organization.

The problem is I can't undue the fucked up stuff that happened to my family in the past. Right now I am out of the navy and doing what one would term as "financially well," the problem is that negative motivation and isolation drove me to whatever success I have become...and the real problem is that I can not let go of those and probably never will.

Without social interactions life has no purpose and yet when in public I try to act bizare to ward off potential relationships of any sort.

What a fucked up world in which I live. A (as my friend and tests term me) "genius" who thinks of suicide many times each year. And I said to myself "what a wonderful world."

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should

One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers

November 28, 2004

Things I Recently Learned...

While in Las Vegas...

  • Staying socially isolated and then going to Las Vegas for a big party is a setup for failure.
  • Other than losing my cell phone I did not screw myself over too bad.
  • There are tons of cool people behind all the random letters and numbers in the various SEO forums.
  • I met a ton of cool people.
  • A large part of my social ineptness stems from my desire to shield myself from social relationships.
  • While sober in an extremely crowded bar I have extreme social anxiety.
  • When I drop that shield I can meet lots of people.

While at My Brother's House

  • Its really 'ing hard for me to not be on the web.
  • Reality TV is shittier than I ever imagined.

While at In and Out

  • 4 by 4 is the way to go.
  • Some bastard just stole my rental car.

While in San Fransisco...

  • They have 0 emission buses.
  • Chinatown is big.
  • There are a ton of one way streets.
  • Many San Fransisco cabbies have no idea where the coolest place to go in San Fransisco is.
  • It is best to have no plans or expections and let stuff happen.
  • If you build something up in your mind the anticiption will likely exceed the experience.
  • Your congruent mood will usually determine the enjoyability of your environment more than your environment will determine your congruent mood. *submarines are an exception to the rule

While Flying Back...

  • Damn, I am tired.
  • Mom lives with grandma and this single early morning call will not only burn time to help keep me awake, but it also calls mom and grandma on Thanksgiving.
  • It is raining in Seatle.
  • It is cold in Detroit.
  • It is snowing in State College.

In State College...

  • I made it back and am still tired (even though I slept all day).
  • I can't find the key.
  • I need to buy a flashlight.
  • I can't find the key.
  • I am goign to stay at a hotel.
  • They have Saturday Night Live at the hotel. It is much better than reality TV.
  • The hotel is only about a 1.5 mile walk from home.
  • I can carry stuff on my right shoulder easier than on my left shoulder.
  • I can't find the key.
  • I am breaking in the door. Done...
  • Man it sure is easy to find the key after you break in the door.

While Riding Around Today...

  • The roommate is luck that car that was going 100 mph passed him right before he passed the cop.
  • I don't think deeply enough much of the time.

November 13, 2004

I Want to be Chased...

I Got Drunk!!!
Thurday I got kinda drunk...I think that was only the second time since London. I rarely drink. I rarely do anything except play on the web.

So when I went out first we went to a bar my friend really likes...and then we went to another club that is way too crowded...and then we went to a bar / club that was nowhere near as crowded. It was pretty fun, but I was pretty drunk. <-- bet mom likes to read that ;)

Crazy Drunk!!!
I am usually too energetic when I drink...so I dance around a bunch...and perhaps somewhat crazy like. Lots of people stare at me like I am crazy... but I am not quite crazy just yet...at least I lack proper documentation ;)

Lots of girls dance on me still, even when I am all fat and out of shape and stuff...thats weird. What is weird is that for

  • as much as I am so dancy
  • as much as I communicate on the web
  • as many people I talk to on the phone
  • even talking to reporters from a bunch of media outlets
  • and being on the radio

somehow I am growing increasingly antisocial in most all face to face type situations - drunk or sober.

Practice Makes Perfect!!!
Its probably an issue of practice. Since I do not meet too many people in person it seems different. I am out of my domain.

Dumb Fast Learner
Math being the only exception I could possibly think of to this idea, but I am rather naive at many things and almost anything I do I am worse than the average person off the start. I have a rapid learning curve though and after a short amount of time in many fields people can't believe I am the same person.

Part of that is the belief that I do not do anything good enough...that means that by default I think that I am doing aweful unless I am doing amazing. If I do something amazingly (by normal standards) I think its maybe ok.

Still Socially Stupid
After I came back from the bar I decided to call the girl that I liked a long time ago from Rhode Island. I was delightfully drunk (probably somewhat annoying for her to talk to, but she stayed on the phone)...

One of the things Erica told me is that she liked to be chased. Her actions in the past totally indicated that to be true, but I was never really aggressive. Right now she has a kid. I was not ready for a commitment like that...what would it have been like if I got her pregnant. When I was around her I felt somewhat alive, but for the most part I wanted to be dead for years of my life back then.

Perhaps it is my own mind that was crazily attracted to the chase concept. All the fun of the mating game without having sex or its potential downsides. Also spending time to connect with others on an emotional and physical level would be time consuming and force me to change my worldview a bit...not sure if I want to do that...at least not yet.

Feedback Loop
Any current success I have is dependant upon the drive I have from my own missery and depression. Its really hard to let go of those concepts though, because right now in some weird way I can control them and if I let go then they may somehow come back without me controlling them.

Action Without Thought
Much of many of my days are automated...action without though. Kinda numbing. When I get pretty drunk I usually do not think of too much. Its really the same way as normal, except that drinking gives me an extra excuse to act stupid.

Later in the Night / the Next Day
After I come back from wherever I was I think a bunch. Even the next day or two after while my brain is slightly off I think a ton. That was part of the appeal in the past for drinking or using choice narcotics <-- bet mom likes that sentence

Today
For a while I had a bit of a hang over...that is rare. I also felt somewhat depressed, but from a somewhat different perspective. That depression was other than a numbness too...so it did not feel bad.

A Beautiful Mind
I realize that either naturally, though my experiences (natural and or artificial), my social relationships and whatnot that I usually have a somewhat low serotonin level (or a high ratio of dopamine to serotonin). That allows me to think differently than most people do.

Sometimes it seems like large parts of my actions drive me toward instability so that they can feed off themselves. Like a junkie driven toward the needle I keep myself isolated from people and social relationships.

I feel like I have got burned by most my social relationships, so fuck people, they suck...of course what purpose does life have without them?

So tonight I bought "A Beautiful Mind" and watched it for the first time tonight because I like movies about crazy psychological conditions. They showed a decent amount of the movie from the first person viewpoint to make the hallucinations seem more vivid and realistic.

It took me a long time to believe that the hallucinations were hallucinations. I wanted his story to be true because in the past others have tried hard to bend my version of reality so I could better fit theirs and I was not much of a fan of it. Letting them bend it nearly cost me sanity and my life.

True Story
I did not know that A Beautiful Mind was based on a true story. John Nash won the Nobel prize in 94 from his work in mathematics and game theory ... that same work drove him insane.

He "associated his madness with his living on an "ultralogical" plane, "breathing air too rare" for most mortals, and if being "cured" meant he could no longer do any original work at that level, then, Nash argued, a remission might not be worthwhile in the end." src

John Nash stated in a PBS interview

Somebody suggested that I was a prodigy. Another time it was suggested that I should be called "bug brains", because I had ideas, but they were sort of buggy or not perfectly sound. So that might have been an anticipation of mental problems. I mean, taking it at face value.

There wasn't any insanity though at the time. There were some non-conforming behaviors. I would do odd things one way or another. So there's the total pattern. To some extent, sanity is a form of conformity. And to some extent, people who are insane are non-conformists

Perhaps that movie will prevent me from eventually going insaine... :)

November 12, 2004

UNPOC Amsterdam Lyrics

I was born a thousand million miles away
in a forest they call Amsterdam am am
direct decendant of the kings and queens
though they won't say that I am am am am

and if they ever find me, they will know
and if they ever find me, they will know know know know
and if they ever find me, they will know
and if they ever find me, they will know know know

that I didn't tell them anything
they asked me to
but I pretend
that I was sick
or blind or dead
that I had nothing in my head
that I was just a normal man
who floats in space because he can
who doesn't know just where he's from
but knows these questions are all wrong

we were wrong
we're not alone
we were wrong
we're not alone
we were wrong
we're not alone

I didn't tell them anything
I didn't tell them anything
I didn't tell them anything
I didn't tell them anything
I didn't tell them anything
I didn't tell them anything
I didn't tell them anything
I didn't tell them anything
I didn't tell them anything
I didn't tell them anything

sitting in the room with the black of my face
I'm sitting in the room with the alien race
I'm sitting up here a million miles away
I'm sitting in the room with the black of my face
I'm sitting in the room with the alien race
I'm sitting up here a million miles away
I'm sitting alone a million miles away

I'm sitting up here a million miles away
I'm sitting up here a million miles away
I'm sitting up here a million miles away

official UNPOC site
listen here
buy UNPOC at Domino Records
buy UNPOC at Amazon UK

November 11, 2004

Blah Blah Blah...

The Puppeteer...
A new pupet will keep us safe, thought I predict violence will be on the rise...some wonder if this will be a good thing for peace, but it seems that areas of Isreal just look for excuses to kill and so the bloodshed will ensue.

Bush on Ashcroft
"I applaud his efforts to prevent crime, vigorously enforce our civil rights laws, crack down on corporate wrongdoing, protect the rights of victims and those with disabilities, reduce crimes committed with guns and stop human trafficking," Bush said in a written statement.

"Enforce the erosion of" you mean...

Sore Ankle and Kicked in the Knee
Yesterday I ran a good bit and screwed up my ankle...really sad how inactive and socially isolated I am at my young age. Will probably grow to be a bitter person...not so much old & bitter though, still hoping to die young.

Today I went and played basketball and I got kicked in the knee...hard. If I were a few years older or in a bit worse shape it probably would have broke my knees.

On Happiness...
Not really sure why, but right now I am kinda pissed at the world. Perhaps it is a natural reaction to the sad day that happened recently. Humanity worldwide went down the shitter because judgemental nutjobs want to outlaw being gay...and while they were there they voted.

On Thinking...
I used to be horrifically depressed. For years. Wanting to die and thinking of suicide almost daily. When you feel that way sometimes you can feel numb, but at least you think about stuff.

Although I am not stuck in any corporation I have no life outside of my job...and I am kinda unsure of exactly my job is. Right now much of my action is like a hampster or rat in that I do the same things over.

I feel that I rarely think new or interesting things ... and that I rarely think deeply. Also I am really tired right now ;)

November 6, 2004

November 3, 2004

bad at spelling?

I am...
http://www.nutsandboltsguide.com/topten.html

October 26, 2004

Balance...

reading
writing
working
learning
health
sanity

I find it hard to balance all of these things.

Recently I have been a bit defficient in the reading category...and perhaps the health one, and I have to do like 12 hours of writing and 30-40 hours of working in the next 2-3 days :(

A Rant about Stuff I am Unsure of...stay clear ;-)

I think I joke around to where people do not take me serious...I think I do that because life is easier if I am laughing. I don't like stuck containers. I think the concept of thinking outside the box is stupid. I just see no reason to need a box.

Perhaps the reason I work by myself and for myself and the reason I so hated the navy is just that we do what we are compatible with, what makes sense to us. I still reserve the right to think the navy is shitty, but a large part of the problem might have been my own angst and lack of ability to "do what I am told."

That does not work well for me...

I just read yet another great little piece from Malcolm Gladwell about how star emplyoment systems do not work (they reenforce ignorance & arrogence and create leaders who do not take resposiblity for their actions - like Bush).

Perhaps I did not think I belonged in a system with someone such as Bush at the top with a person like me doing exactly what I am told.

Not saying that I am a star employee, but given the chance to do well I do, and I do know that I am one who needs room to breathe. The submarine did not do that for me.

Different people can say different things and get different outcomes based upon their own intrinsic values. Things that define their persona.

I think my thoughts often fall in line with Seth Godin's about many things. He tends to be better at pushing himself though. I write a sales letter that I know only converts half as well as it could because I do not want to sell stuff to people...because like it or not, in the competitive marketplace you can't make another person be driven enough to succeed, and I want everyone who reads my ebook to do well.

The problem is I don't know how to define well.

If my income continues to increase how it has been I could probably make over a quarter million dollars next year, 100% honestly too. Coming from near bankruptcy with no marketing or business or web knowledge less than two years ago that is rather decend IMHO. But so what. Money doesn't make one happy.

I even sometimes miss the dire deep depression and the motivation and altered lines of thinking it forced / created / allowed.

I guess my point is that despite tons of positive reviews I usually feel like there is something more I could and should do. For some reason I like to feel inadequate...in a big way.

A while ago I was looking at a moving site. A while later Seth was looking at a moving site. He talks about how stupid the selfish marketer is and so do I.

I just am uncertain as to if I would ever want "a following" and am not sure how I would handle that.

Not too long ago a guy emailed me about how powerful my other blog is and I kinda shyed away from the idea.

Lets say you have ideas and people want to listen to them. What makes you right? Enron was great. Our justice system that let Ken Lay put that many people on the street is great. Our government that deregulated power until California elected Arnold is wonderful (by the way I still have the official Girly Man poster that was all over the news).

I do not know if I know the right solutions, and spotting problems without knowing the solutions is useless. Of course when things are wrong it is always worth a shot at change.

And while I am unsure of the purpose of this post I know I can eat my artificially colored and flavored Vitamin C absorbic acid vitamins as a snack.

October 22, 2004

A Drunken School Poem... (and I don't even go to school!!!)

Check in mail
cash to spend
oops it is gone, wrong kind

learn and teach
under the lights
under the breeze

teach me about society
money you
money money me

now I pay
for the paper to learn
to learn the paper is nothing

money is special
like government
special like god

pay the bills
and for the beer
I poured my drink... in my ear

I'm not drunk
shut your face
you gonna finsh that, or let it waste?

-----

he he, I got a link, my blog must be funny

October 11, 2004

cartilage & brain matter out yer nose

I just blew my nose and blew out some brownish spongelike stuff...and a huge gob of it. have no idea what it is...but it is gross.

I have been able to smell really good all day though...

October 3, 2004

I Hate You

I have been getting a bunch more of the hate recently. After the first hate site went up about a week ago three more have came up too. And I got a bunch of hate (maybe not hate but at least non positive) ads running for my name and whatnot too.

It's kind of funny how bad some people suck. All I can think is:

  • Whatever; and
  • Grow Up.

I Love You

Starting to hear a bunch more of that recently...but perhaps my definition of the phrase is different than most who use it?

I mean a girl who I liked a ton used that phrase recently on the phone...and all I could think was at times I felt the same way, but at times you made me feel like shit... I acted as if the phrase never left her lips...but what does that phrase actually mean?

How many people settle for people who kinda like them? Over half of marriages end in divorice, so I am a bit stingy with the phrase "I love you."

Why Are You Wearing that Sweatshirt?

Perhaps so you would ask?

I like to wear self made fun tshirts or cartoon ones. Why? Because when I was younger the world made sense and I was really happy...even if it meant watching DuckTales all by myself...or some wonderful Hanna Barabara...

Currently the world does not seem that way...it seems as though "money" and "success" are way too important...and I don't know why.

So when I can think of a younger time, in a more pure place...I do. And people stop me on the street to say hi...so it almost feels like I know a bunch of people and am somewhat "normal" so I continue to wear playful tshirts that make me happy.

Feel free to stop me on the street and say hi ;)

September 28, 2004

Hands in the Cookie Jar

Some people on the web have their hands in many many many cookie jars. As you find a profitable business model it becomes really easy to dip your hands into many cookie jars. I may soon be in at least a half dozen cookie jars.

People usually become successful on the web due to focus. So why is it that I want to try out so many different cookie jars?

Not sure.

Perhaps I am just a cookie monster...

September 27, 2004

Nuclear Power without the Safety

So my friend was a fellow reactor operator on the submarine with me. Recently he had to do a technical paper at college and so he decided to do it on nuclear power.

While looking for sources to cite and looking up information about nuclear criticality in Google he found that safety was a common word that was preventing him from finding exactly what he was looking for.

So he searched Google for nuclear criticality -safety...and there my Navy website was...I always thought of myself as nuclear power without the safety.

September 23, 2004

Daniel Brandt: Spammer

[added October 11, 2004: I write this blog as if nobody I know will ever read it, so some of the posts will seem a bit crazy. I also did not expect this page to get deep linked by any popular sites, however SEW Forums did that here.

Since I feel a bunch of people are going to bash me and some may perhaps view this as "my side of the story" I want to put a bit more context to the post.

  • Daniel Brandt created a tool which he mentioned in search engine watch forums.
  • I thought it was a cool tool and put a form box on my site and called the page "the Daniel Brand Toolbar" ... I was trying to give him credit for something that he made that I thought was cool. That is why his name was in the title.
  • Other people (mostly bloggers I think) thought it was a useful tool and pointed many links from a bunch of random blogs with "Daniel Brandt Toolbar" as the link text at my post.
  • Based on how often I had seen Daniel's name around I did not think anything of it. I did not actively promote that page at all and I did not expect it to rank high for his name.
  • Eventually I reformatted my site to advertise my ebook on each page of the site and also added my site title to the end of the page titles.
  • Without me intentionally promoting the page it ranked at #3 in Google for Daniel Brandt on its own.
  • I do not usually use the phrase "secret squirrel" as strong sales copy, but Mr. Brandt thinks that page was set up to sell tons of ebooks.
  • Daniel sent me what I and many of my friends considered to be an insulting and degrading email saying I was trying to use his name to make money. Initially I posted about his tool because I thought it was useful. That is what most bloggers do. It is not like I was trying to not give him credit for his work.
  • I thought that email was over the top and posted it publicly at SearchGuild.
  • While I was in transit to SEO Roadshow in London (NFFC is cool by the way) Daniel made threatening comments in relationship to how he may have destroyed MicroDoc news and how I was next. In the SearchGuild thread while I was in transit to London:
    If Aaron takes my name out of the title, removes my form from his site, and links only to my set-up educational page, I'll remove the blocks. Currently my blocks include a copy of my email to him. Soon I think I'll add some commentary to these blocks that is more to the point. It's his choice.
  • Daniel being Daniel made demands and threats without giving time for any sort of reply.
  • By the time I got back Daniel Brandt had blocked referals from my site and started linking into his biography of me.
  • If Daniel would have simply asked me to change how the tool was listed or whatever he wanted it would have happened.
  • Instead he was rude and talked about how low SEOs were and how I was a really low one at that.
  • By the time I even notice any of his threat / request he already has his biography of me up on his site.
  • I decide "the hell with Daniel Brandt," if he is going to publish a biography of me on his site I may as well rank #1 for his name.
  • Currently I believe this post, my SEO Book site, and the SearchGuild thread are all on the first page of Google when one searches for Daniel Brandt. Had he just in any polite way asked me this would not be the situation.
  • I find it absurd that Daniel of all people would complain about someone trying to make their name off the work of another as he seems to try to make his from Google.
  • Other than creating this post and linking it to the two other pages I am not (to the best of my knowledge) actively promoting these pages.
  • If Daniel wants me to depromote these posts / threads he can unblock my site, remove my biography, and write an open apology for his insulting letter and needless threats.
  • Why did Mr. Brandt make that tool public in the first place and then promote it in SEO forums if he was going to send SEOs insulting emails for linking into it?
]

About Me:
I am rather blunt most of the time. I am not exceptionally successful and I am generally isolated from most of society. On the web I have a voice. It may be a self absorbed voice, but I make sure I have one.

Occassionally that voice steps on some toes. Evidentally recently it happened to Daniel Brandt.

What Daniel Brandt Knows:
Apparently I pissed off Daniel Brandt.

He assumes the wrong address (though my address is easy to find out).

He knows one of my screen names (awall19) though I have many...which are easy to find out.

He knows of 14 of my domains (though I have registered about 100 and some of them are registered through proxy).

My Fan Page:
Interesting enough, one of my first fan pages is a hate page. Recently in emails I have been called unpatriotic and a terrorist. People are swarming, but I am having fun...

Kinda makes me wonder what crap famous people put up with every day?

Me & Daniel Brandt

Notice how I used Daniel Brandt in the text links above. That is keyword rich anchor text and is the practice that Daniel calls Google Bombing. It heavily influences Google's relevancy scores, and is one of the primary reasons Mr Brandt has got as much news coverage as he has.

September 9, 2004

Concentric Circles in the Sand

Many blogs and independant media sources bring new things to light. Often the only people who read and see the messages are those who agree with it anyway.

The cool thing about search engines and the internet is that they allow advertisers or the collective power of a group break their message to an audience that would not normally hear it.

The reason such craziness is occuring in the world is that powerful people are quickly loosing control to people like you and me.

If I was a no talent ass clown in a position of authority I perhaps would try to do everything possible to destroy opportunity. Its too late though and soon enough this consolidated wealth and opportunity will spread back out throughout society.

Consider that right now I am running ads exclusively in swing states. Somebody in a swing state searching for "who should I vote for" found my opinion for 5 cents. There are others doing similar things...and over time the web may perhaps fix our broken political system.

September 6, 2004

Living With Your Window Open

I sit at my computer facing the road with the window open. Perhaps spending too much time at my computer...too much time at the window. And yet these random flowing electrons have became my life.

I thought about this a bunch last night. Right before I went to sleep I closed the blinds on my window. But the whole concept of living your life in front of an open window really parallels my thoughts and actions.

I try hard to make them exceptionally clear though I often confuse myself or perhaps intentionally mislead my own thoughts.

Only once have I not wrote about something because I knew my mom reads this stupid blog, but I was amazed at how many people comment about something I posted in it a while ago.

In a sense I am completely transparent and yet I feel few people usually understand me.

Each post on any forum or blog is a bit more of my life lived in front of an open window.

August 28, 2004

What is Normal?

I just got off the phone with my brother. He and I are on polar opposite poles when it comes to our level of trust of other people.

I think most people are selfish scumbags without social conscience. I therefore use the power of this computer and this network to shield myself from the horrors and flaws of humanity.

My brother has a tendancy to leave himself a bit too far open and tends to trust people too much. And obviously he gets more raw deals than I do...but he experiences more human connection.

Neither of us are "normal" in that aspect and both of us would be a bit better off if we were a bit more like the other in this particular aspect.

Hundreds of people each day search for the phrase "normal"...at least the Overture search term suggestion tool tells me this. Not sure what they hope to find, but if I pointed enough links at this post they would find it...internet marketing is evil...and yet fun...certainly a fun medium for a person with passive aggressive disorder like me...certainly not something that is normal though.

Some people look for specific normal things

normal blood pressure...255/day...you are too unhealthy, try these pills
normal blood sugar level...89.6/day...you snack too much, try these pills
normal cholesterol level...83.5/day...you have too much fat in your blood, try these pills
normal illinois...68.5/day...I lived near there for a while
normal penis size...59.8/day...you're too small, try these growth pills
normal weight...35.5/day... you're too fat, try these pills to thin down
normal iq...27.7/day...you're so stupid you do not even know what a normal IQ is...you must be dumb...iq should be standardized to 100 though...try these pills to make you smarter
normal like you...21.2/day...a band, a marketing angle...we are hip, we are not posers...be cool like us
its perfectly normal...17.8/day...sex guide for kids...it's not gross (although we will tell you that it is in a few years)
para normal...17.7/day...there is something out there man...something more important than you
normal sex...16.1/day...not that way silly, that's all wrong...don't you know how to do anything...you're not lasting long enough...try these pills
normal vaginal discharge...15.8/day...you are gross...these pills should help you out
normal sperm count...15.7/day...you are inadequate...try these pills to boost your count
normal girl...15.6/day...not like the ones you know, and you are not one
normal life...14.2/day...you certainly do not live one
normal testosterone level...13.3/day...you are an arrogent idiot...try these pills to control your level
dog normal temperature...12.2/day...99 °F to 102.5 °F
normal white blood cell count...12.0/day...4,500-10,000 white blood cells/mcl
standard normal distribution...10.8/day...math is cool...you must be dumb to not undertand it
normal bowel movement...10.6/day...it is not normal to spend half of the day on the toilet filth...but there is no reason to hold it for a week at a time...you are gross...try these pills to get regular
normal hair loss...10.1/day...bald AND stupid...try these pills to stop hair loss
normal skin...9.8/day...you sure are fleshy...try these pills to fix that thing on your arm
normal weight for height...7.9/day...you are too short or too fat...these pills will help you get in shape
normal vital sign...7.6/day...you are not really alive...crack open these pills and snort them, they will make you feel alive!!!!!!!!!!!
normal iron level...7.5/day...eat some more spinach...your diet sucks...these pills can also help you
normal estrogen level...7.5/day...why are you so b.tchy...these pills will smooth out your peaks
normal body temp...7.4/day...37 °C
normal breast...7.3/day...that is too small, and misshaped to boot!...gross...these pills will help you grow
normal creatinine level...7.1/day...you are so weak...you will never be buff...these pills will make you ripped
picture of a normal vagina...6.9/day...you will never see one in real life...these pills will improve your confidence and improve your chances though
normal menstrual cycle...6.7/day...can't believe she is sooo moody :(
normal wear and tear...6.7/day...wow you really just messed that up


the whole point of normal is to tell you that you are inadequate.

most of the people selling you pills to make you better are driven by greed...most of those normal people do not normally care about helping you.

August 27, 2004

Marking vs Cyberpunk: Doing the Right Thing...

So I got into the web from a marketing angle. What I failed to realize is that most people in marketing are driven by greed, possession, and money.

Marketing is about finding emotion and predicting responses.

So it participatory democracy. Small people like me need to ensure the evil forces of big media conglomorates and corporate control fall flat on their faces.

On that note I hope to start reading more cyberpunk type literature and less about marketing.

I am more interested in causing huge social change than in making money. So at least for a few weeks it is time for me to switch reading gears...

August 26, 2004

Aaron Thinks His Mom...

is cool enough to buy him plane tickets and event tickets to go to Burning Man.

Aaron wonders what his mom is thinking of such an idea?

The theme this year is Vault of Heaven. Mom always said we don't go to church enough ;)

August 23, 2004

Advisory Board

Stoked yet again.

I not only emailed back and forth with a really cool guy yesterday, but today I got offered a position on an advisory board (and a bunch of shares) in a company which is founded on amazing ideas. The company is about to undergo heavy promotion in the next few months.

More on that later of course. Since nothing is official I have no official remarks or whatever. All I can say is wow!!!

Good things have been happening closer and closer to one another.

August 17, 2004

Overall a Good Day

Well I did not do a bunch. Slept the afternoon away.

Cool
Talked to my brother and a few clients.
I sold about a half dozen ebooks, which is good. Mo money, yo...
A client hooked me up with more cash. or as Tony would say, he flowed...
I paid off some bills that were surprisingly lower than I remembered them being.
Recently partnered up with (and may make future partnerships with) Brad Fallon of Instant SEO
Expert
.com. He is a good talker, smart marketer, and seems to be doing some things in the right direction.

Cooler
Some of my peers gave my ebook good reviews. I know a bunch of those guys know way more than me and find it amazing that they like my ebook, or think it would likely be good enough to want to purchase it.

I also recently noticed this kick ass review of my ebook by Jarrod Hundt.
Text Link Brokers review of SEO Book.

Coolest
I got an email back today from Tim Berners-Lee (guy who made the World Wide Web). Kinda gonna be stoked for a week or two.

The fact that he still has the time to email me is at the very least somewhat inspiring. The email back was cool, but what was really cool is that I know he got the email I sent him too :)

So far I have emailed back and forth with the creator of Slashdot, the co creator of FireFox, and the creator of the web...neato

on a cool email side note: a while ago my roomie got an email from Noam Chomsky

August 9, 2004

Pushing My Voice

I give my ebook away to charities for free. Sometimes I get ebook requests from charities that are completely against most everything I believe in. It puts me in a hard situation because if I comply I am helping spread messages I do not believe in. If I do not comply I am filtering information and who is to say my opinions are correct?

Another thing that sucks is if you do a really good job with writing articles you can help improve the legitimacy of a publication. They then can advertise things you totally do not agree with. And there you have it. To be successful on the web you need to make partnerships and you need to have other people push your messages. Most other people are exceedingly financially driven so its hard to partner with people.

Shall I make my own pure network? But then again who is to say my own thoughts and opinions are pure or correct?

August 7, 2004

Wow, Stocks Really Fucking Suck!!!

So a long time ago I at one point has some faith in this country and its ideals (that's some real fucking ingorance right there).

While I did not make much money (in fact probably low enough to qualify for some sort of welfare - that is if the military was not my employer).

I spent almost everything I made buying stocks for probably close to a year or so. Sending whole paychecks into the stock market. I also was a fan of technology and the internet. I knew back then that the internet would be huge.

I remember reading the newspaper a week before we were to pull in on one run. I was up thousands of dollars in less than a month. Of course in that last week of the run it eventually eroded :(

As it turns out so did the rest of the stocks I bought. I even had about a grand in Lucent which is now worth enough to go buy a box of Powerbars.

I ended up leaving the navy on less than favorable terms feeling there would be a greater than 90% chance I would commit suicide in the next year.

I just got a letter from one of my brokerage accounts saying that I owed $70 and so I sent them money and closed that account. Got the info to log into the other account and joyfully noticed that it has about $260 in inactivity fees.

The inactivity fees are only caused when your account is inactive AND you have less than $5,000 of capital in the account. I think that is interesting that the fees are only on inactive and poor accounts. Its a neat little trick to help boost the consolidation of wealth in hard times and the fees usually only fuck those who can not afford them.

Oh well I will pay them off.

Again I find myself as an investor into the internet. This time not so much financially, but personally.

Its funny how the navy not only ate over 5 years of my life and threw me into a suicidal sense of self, but that even in doing that it was not enough and they are still costing me interest on my debt I earned due to lack of employment (primarily due to a lack of desire to live) after I got out of their organization.

As I said though I again find myself investing into the internet and feel that I will strugle to repay my debt to the navy. I am going to try hard though. In a couple years after I am a fairly successful and completely financially independat marketer I will write a book about the navy to help them out.

If I had a choice between joining the navy nuclear power program again and smoking crack while shooting up heroin I know I would chose the latter of those two options. It would likely be less destructive on my life and mind.

Random post which is just another reminder of the book I need to eventually write :)

August 2, 2004

My Crap Site

So this site is like whatever I do not really maintain it. My random spewings of thoughts or perhaps drunk thoughts often land upon this web page.

I try harder to do a good job with some of my other sites and am exceptionally frustrated when I read the pages. Each time I look at my site I realize just how out to lunch some of the old pages are.

And the cycle repeats.

I have drawn the conclusion here that the reason no search engine marketers have 300 page websites is because its rediculus to keep it up to date and to keep learning other stuff and to work on a bunch of clients websites.

When thinking about the first sites I made all I can think is "bad call awall" :(

Likely I could take 200 pages out of my website to make it less informative and easier to maintain and yet make a ton more profits.

it is a difficult cross roads though as I am not really sure what I want to do. with each growing day I am more and more sure that likely SEO isn't it.

July 31, 2004

Through the Eyes of Another

warning: likely a narisistic post...

I was just told by a relative that he thought perhaps my aims are to be good enough at whatever I do to where I can be arrogent about it. For him to think that I would guess many other people may think that.

Its really off the mark in my own eyes, though it might be a common thought through the eyes of others.

Usually I feel horrible most days for various reasons I do or do not know. I feel like I need to do a bunch to just feel ok. If you ever see me doing lots of stuff or being super active it is because it occupies my time and perhaps lifts the negative thoughts from my mind.

And yet at the same time I ignore the things that make me feel really good so that I feel artificial and hollow so that I need to work even harder at the things that bring me artificial happiness.

When I see someone else do something I usually see the whole as something great perhaps even majestical. When I do something I see everything as its base pieces. Ex: eventually this sentence on this post on this blog will be erased and I doubt it will have even mattered. Frequently I work my self into a thought process that makes me feel the same thing about myself.

All through growing up I have been somewhat secluded from things not me. Partially due to social factors and partially due to desire to not be part of anything. In a sense I guess some would say this makes me narcisistic, but really I am not much into me either.

Of course this part will sound arrogent but I really have not found anything in life challenging or exciting for very long.

I am just glad I have done what positive things I have and got out of the US Navy alive.

July 22, 2004

Cats at Christmas: Cat Pictures

Hi Chrisy

cute

cuter

cutest

Rocky tried climbing our artificial christmas tree as well, but I wasn't able to catch it on the camera :(

Sam is way too fat to ever try such a feat ;)

Slight Random Insanity

I was just listening to where is my mind by the Pixies

painting one pixel at a time
changing the world i do not see
changing a broken society
changing my mind about time
i swim in sanity to destroy and refind my dreams
this logic i think is not something in the sea
in an endless stream of a dream of misery
not in this world or for some girl
i am crazy because I want to be

July 21, 2004

Problems w feeling too good

Yesterday I felt amazing. I wrote a press release for my stuff and one of the three biggest internet media companies in the world called me up to do a potential partnership.

that is pretty fucking amazing for that only being the third press release I have ever wrote for anyone ever and me only having 1.5 years of any type of web design, marketing, or business experience (guess i have a bit more business experience if you count baseball cards selling in high school).

right now i am sitting here and my eyes are still wet because I almost seem like I can't feel good. its unnatural. I know part of the reason I feel horrible right now, but I have not done recently that would cause me to feel horrible and yet I do.

I think part of the reason I keep myself somewhat down frequently is that it is less of a fall when I fall. over time though that kinda makes ya really numb feeling. and then you feel happy knowing that eventually the floor falls out.

and for what.

i guess in the long run it is good because it takes away the numbness, but i would feel better if there was a comprehendable reason behind it...then again maybe that is the comprehendable reason. to let me know I am not a robot.

it sure is easy to feel like one. but i have the ability to make other people lots of money so thats good right...

at an extremely young age I lost all faith in humanity and kinda just expect that I will never get it back. but I am doing great...

July 14, 2004

When it Becomes a Pattern

In the past I drank until I stopped breathing...multiple times. Often I thought it was because I hated my environment. Perhaps that is all it was. What I hate more than anything else is senseless self destruction. It is weird how many times in the past I let the lure of artificial happiness nearly destroy me. What is even worse is that there was never any real goal in mind.

It may have been caused by a lack of faith in humanity, but it was my own lack of faith in humanity. It may have been caused by bad things happening in my family, but it is because I let things effect me in certain ways.

Even today if I went out and drank when I felt less than perfect I would stand a good chance at getting in some sort of trouble. In the past drinking had a purpose: the escape was fun and if I died - so long as it looked accidental - then that was a bonus too. I no longer have those desires, intentions, or goals.

My biggest problem today is a lack of focus and a lack of empathy and communication with most people. I like the web because it helps fill a portion of the large hollow gap that is my daily lack of social connection.

I generally distrust people and push people away if they get close or start to mean too much, and it is really shitty that I do that.

My point here is not real some in depth self analysis for people to read and call me nuts by. The point is trying to look at the root causes of problems. Acnowledging why things happen as they do.

I still have random unexplainable thoughts - that sometimes even last for days - for the most part though it is still my choice as to how I react to stuff.

When I think about the current "war on terrorism" it makes me sad. It makes me feel rather hopeless. But my feelings are not driven by "terrorists." My thoughts are driven by me.

What fills my mind with sorrowful thoughts is that I know there are powerful forces that are working hard to level the playing field between common man and successful people. Actually that is what makes me happy. What fills my mind with sorrow is the great extent people are going to in an attempt to try to prevent this from happening.

When you scare people they are more willing to do what you want them to. They are more willing to give in and look for external guidance. Make no mistake, the people running this country right now are not good people. Just take a glance at how many people have had to resign. That is not normal. There is something wrong going on here.

They are talking about moving the election in case of a terrorist attack during the election, but terrorists would have no reason to want to influence our election. This is actually what marketers call "point of action marketing." While you are in the booth they want you to think about terrorism and stopping terrorism.

The point of this whole rambling inward reflective (and yet another narcisistic) post is that I do not do well when I let other people or other things control my mind. Life naturally has ups and downs and when we look externally for quick solutions it is far easier to find problems. I do not want to die young because I can't handle that other people are horrible human beings.

Don't let other people control your mind. I am going to start trying my damn best to try to filter out the bullshit and negitive energies which occupy so much of my time.

The Land of the Middle Man

After doing SEO for over a year now I have seen many different things on the web.

Stuff that is super sketchy, stuff that is straight up shady, and stuff that is amazingly smart.

I sometimes struggle with balancing the math because I have a hard time justifying prices and determining what is "fair."

I try not to take on many clients because if I did I would just become another mindless zombie drone.

I am more interested in coming up with ideas and shaping social policy than I am with making large sums of money.

The nice thing about my ebook is that I know it provides great value for its price ($40) and that I would be way better off right now if I would have read something like it when I first got on the web.

Most people making money on the web are in one form or another "just a middle man." Some do it with nothing but their own profits in mind while others actually focus on providing value and helping people.

Many people try to talk themselves up and give themselves great titles, but as long as I am "just another SEO" then all I am in one more man in the land of the middle man.

July 4, 2004

My Brother Has a Blog

he also has HIV, and that is what his blog is about (My HIV Story). I imagine that when people first get the news it is pretty rough, and that is what my brother was just posting about.

My family is kinda all spread over. Weird how we actually all can connect a bit thanks to blogs.

June 20, 2004

This Day in Aaron's Life (Refining my Narcisism...)

So I have been getting the whole day vs night thing backwards again. In the last 24 hours I researched and published a website aiming to help people with depression. I also began promoting the idea in a viral way (only time will tell what will happen with it).

The early outcome is looking good since the first two places I placed ads offered me more advertising for free. (Yet another reason it is better to work for individuals vice companies). My ad spend, hosting and all that jazz costed me less than $300.

I also helped support the open software movement by making a donation.

I also promoted my site some more by doing more link building.

I also bought a ton of links promoting a customers site.

I also rewrote a part of my ebook.

I also bought an old school video game off eBay...can't wait to play it again.

I also posted a bunch in forums and mowed the yard.

I also sold a bunch of my ebooks and emailed back and forth with a few customers.

I also help feed a couple kids from Africa.

I am also going to advertise in another major publication with big distribution numbers. Everything on the net is just a drive to make it to a marginably profitable level. After you get there you really can destroy any and all competition by reinvesting to create faster feedback loops. I think I am at that reinvesting type point in time. :)

Also if you haven't checked it out in a bit, the Fatty Weight Loss Blog now has a cool new logo.

It is all about learning and having fun and I think I am doing at least a little bit of each of those. :)

June 13, 2004

the yellow sticky monster

The Yellow Sticky monster...

Well I was a sucker and opened up a pack of yellow stickies the other day. now my monitor is littered with them.

wonder where I got that from mom?

Cognitive Behavior Therapy

What sparked this post about cognititive behavior therapy?

In a recent forum post about search engines I stated

"... I thought it said it had an added effect on relevancy but now that I reread it, it states that it uses the data on partner sites to enhance the look of the results and does not really mention that it changes their algorithmic relevance "

and was replied with

"I like the subtlety with which you seem to agree, disagree and twist the words! A really creative and intelligent mind ... (and thats a compliment, not sarcasm). Tell me, do you know cognitive behaviour therapy? "


What is Cognitive Behavior Therapy used for?

depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, PTSD, stress, substance abuse, etc.

basically anything that big drug companies would like to prescribe you a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor for.

What is Cognitive Behavior Therapy?

Cognitive behavior therapy is the combination of cognitive therapy and behavior therapy.

What is Behavior Therapy?

Behavior Therapy works to lessen the connection of your typical adverse reactions to certain stimuli.

If you are afraid of something or something makes you sad every time it occurs or every time you avoid it you are reinforcing the connection that exists. Each time you remember something you are rewriting that memory. Over time with guidance you can help shift your typical response to any situation.

What is Cognitive Therapy?

Cognitive Therapy aims to show you how your thinking patters are warping your reality to feed the idea that you are sometimes depressed, stressed, or angry for no reason at all.

In complex situations where we need to analyze large data sets the limbic system (which controls emotional response) begins to direct thinking patters before the prefrontal cortex has enough time to fully analyze the data set.

By learning to take into account our current mental state we can more accurately analyze information for what it is vice what we think it is (we are not so quick to draw false conclusions).

Why Cognitive Behavior Therapy?

Often times drugs are band aids which mask problems until other larger problems occur and appear.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is an interactive form of therapy where each person has their own specific schedule and can often feel much better in a time frame as short as a few weeks to a month.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy and this kid named Aaron

If I become really successful at internet marketing I would like to either learn how to structure large data sets of unstructured data or learn a ton more about the mind.

learn more about Cognitive Behavior Therapy

May 20, 2004

Why I would rather invest in me

Well I was using strong funds before the Navy screw job almost bankrupted me. Now I am financially fine and can not recommend the navy or strong funds.

May 16, 2004

Fatty Weight Loss

So at my fatest point ever I was 230 lbs. Yesterday I weighed myself and was 222 lbs. that is gross gross gross.

too much computer

I am going to start exercizing a bunch more.

Currently I have what one might refer to as large hocks. you know...the area above the rump of a pig. This is going to be the opening post for my upcoming Fatty Weight Loss blog. This is going to be a narcisistic blog about how to lose weight. The real challenge will not be losing 30 lbs, but optimizing the site to rank well.

I am a search engine marketer and list at #1 for search marketing (on Google & Yahoo!), and also am in the top 10 for search engine marketing on both engines. My seo book site is about to rank in the top 10 for seo in about a month. It will also rank up there for search engine optimization.

Weight loss will be my target term and I hope it ranks # 1 on Google by the time I am done with my diet / exercise experiment.

15 May 2004
Just got my copy of "Bringing Your Talents to the Web,"
but I realize I need to take a step away from it.

I have had too much McDonald's and tooo much monitor.
Not enough heartrate.

Today I tipped the scales at 222 and now that I am disguisted it's time to lose 30 lbs in 2 months.
Here is how I will do it.

it will take a couple days for the fatty weight loss site to be up, but after it is I will vigoursly lose weight and gain rankings.
I will have my friend take a before picture right now.

If nothing else the fact that I am blogging each day about my exercise and the crap I eat will ensure I take notice of it. No "3 McChick No Let" - my usuall McDonalds order that occurs 1 - 2 times a day.

May 14, 2004

Sleeping Weird Hours

Could use some energy. Luckily the doors, windows, and walls are protecting me from the big bad world.

May 10, 2004

May 5, 2004

An Amazingly Intertwined World

So I just got back from Coachella.

We flew out of Harrisburg, PA (home of three mile island). Three mile island was a power plant that had an accident. I was a nuclear reactor operator.

We flew on a plane which had many planes on the wings. This last line only makes sense if you understant that my roommate said that he liked watching the p-l-a-n-e-s on the wings. Literally spelling it out to make me feel stupid until he realized he was wearing the crown.

We flew into Chicago, the windy city, only to have one of the more rough landings I have ever had. The plane was yawing extremely bad due to cross winds. We then flew to LAX after about an hour layover.

We rented a car from thrifty (who was anything but thrifty). They charged us for the gas and my roommate was not sure if his insurance covered rentals and I was too young to rent it and my roommate had inadequate cash in his check card account since there is some stupid federal limit and he spent a bunch getting his car fixed earlier last month and they did not have the vehicle we reserved and wanted to offer us a damn Kia calling it an equivalent car. I intentially paid a small amount more than the Kia costed to get a mid level car. They were out of it and after all the upgrades and screw jobs the $74 rental costed $368.

My roommate had this great idea to go north to San Fransico or sout to Tijuana. I said whatever and south we went. We stopped by the world famous in n out burger and it was good. As we got near the border he was affraid to get stuck in another country so we stayed in San Diego.

On our way to San Diego we saw a bunch of the sothern California coastal communities. Laguna beach specifically (as well as many of the other towns) had a real Mediteranian look to it. One thing I thought was weird is that there were a ton of oil wells where oil was being pumped within 50 feet of the sandy beach.

I saw one of the worst live bands ever while in San Diego and went to another dance club to act goofy like I am, though the Sushi was making my tummy feel weird. After our night in San Diego (where I clogged the toilet within 5 minutes of arrival) we drove through the mountains and desert to Indio (home of Coachella). Cool swervy ride. Amazing landscape. We also stopped for gas at a gas station that looked like it was from another country.

We went shopping, got our $4 tarp, and set up our tent. My roommate also got a random call from a friend and we went ove and hung out with them that night.

The next morning we woke up early (the sun makes you wake up when you are in the desert) and we were drinking at 10 in the morning. Something about the desert which makes drinking make you tired yet not drunk...

Once we got in the concert we sat near trees near a fence to be in the shade for most of the early afternoon. We got up to see a few bands and made sure we made our way over to Beck. Beck's last song was "Nothing In This World Can Stop Me Worrin' Bout That Girl" by the Kinks. He had tamborine players come up. They were so stoked that they could not even keep a beat.

Later in the day we saw the Pixies, Radiohead, and Kraftwerk. The Pixies made me feel super good (cause they are crazy), Radiohead nearly made me cry (because they are happy or sad - I'm not sure which one) and Kraftwerk confused me as I have not heard their music much in the past. It sounded really cool, but they also had one song which was antinuclear which kept showing the magenta trifoil and naming off cities such as Hiroshema and Harrisburg. It reminded me of how much power people who control the media have. Good or bad, thousands of people now are at least a small bit more scared of nuclear power. The Flaming Lips also gave a bit of a political speach (as did Sparta).

I only talked to one group of people while I was watching Kraftwerk and they turned out to have a website and need website marketing done. They were obviously high when I gave them my #, but they did write it down...

I then went back to the campgrounds and hung out with other random people and then went to the tent.

I woke up somewhat lobster feeling (sunburnt) the next morning with absolutely no desire to drink or anything. Luckily I had my lobster t shirt to wear. I was not hung over at all, but I just did not feel like drinking, I should have had a hang over though...

My roommate and I went to our rental car and turned on the AC. We sat in it for what had to have been at least 4 hours until we were in the deep afternoon. Since I didn't feel like drinking my poor roommate had to drink a bunch of rum and coke. There was a really cool radio station on.

A guy came up and started talking to us. He was a Krisna and he wanted to know if we were having a session. My roommate said yes, not knowing what a session is. Later on the guy asked us if we had any weed and we said no. This confused the guy but by that point he had determined that we were cool. He gave us a pass to go visit his temple in LA the next day.

Soon my friend and I went to the concert. I was fairly certain that the second day would not be very good since it seemed like the first day was overly good. I was thinking in error.

We saw Air, which is an amazingly mellow trancelike band. When they were done we went over to see The Crystal Method, which is one of the better techno bands ever. I got to hear the song "there is hope" live, and it was amazing. We went and took a wiz only to find out that Black Rebel Motorcycle Club was playing (also very cool).

What I thought was rediculous was how good the band Basement Jaxx was. Their videos are just goofy and I never in a million years would have thought they would be that good live.

We also got a glimpse of the Flaming Lips and I went over to watch Paul Van Dyke. He was amazingly cool and had a good message. In his screen displays he had "Knowledge: that's life." I really agree with that as when you stop learning you are already dead. One thing that sucked about him was that his screens frequently flashed Motorolla messages, which is complete crap, or something that I just do not understand.

I went to bed (tent) and woke bright and early the next morning. We were fully packed within 24 minutes. We drove back to LA. On our way back there was a wreck and people were stopped in the road. My roommate was looking at a Hustler billboard and was close to getting in a wreck if I did not say something to him. He thought they were advertising the porn website on the highway :)

As we continued on our path we saw tons and tons of wind driven electrical generators. That was the first time I have seen any of them. We started talking about nuclear power again. We got into LA and the Mamas and the Papas came on the radio. "I'd be safe and warm if I was in LA...stopped into a church I passed along the way."

We were planning on going to the Krisna temple while we were there, but were too tired. We drove throught Hollywood (highly overrated) and found a hotel back near the airpoirt. We both went for siesta and then we went out to look around again. We saw the stars on the sidewalk and they seemed as though they were not very exclusive. We ate a pretty darn large pizza and went back. On our way back we decided to drive down Mullholland Avenue and it was completely amazing looking.

We woke the next morning and returned the car. We went to the airport and I read one of the books the guy gave us.

"Hare Krisna Hare Krisna Krisna Krisna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare"

I wonder if my mom knows what that means?

On our ride home from Harrisburg I had a cool talk with my roomie about religious stuff and then we got back. I had tons of mail and was sure to have way more email. That night my computer was not working but I still went to bed feeling good.

I woke again and on Cinco de Mayo everything was working good and I went through my evil email.

Money

Means absolutely nothing to me right now. I just went to a concert at the other end of the country only to come back to find out that I am over a grand ahead of where I was before I went out on that trip (I even ate sushi while I was gone). I did no work while I was on that trip.

Perhaps I should go on vacation more often - time to pay off another credit card :)

thank you navy for almost destroying my life / mind - scumbags

Competitive Advantage

My competitive advantage is that I have no competitive advantage. I am completely open, I hold no secrets, and do not work for a greedy company. blissfully open as I had no need to hold my hand over the cell phone before takeoff on an airplane. - but please don't tell anyone

April 28, 2004

narcissism carelessness & other conditions of the mind

What is it about the human mind that makes reward make sense?
What makes things hurt?

Why did this hurt worse: A cheap person told me that they wanted (only a partial) refund on my ebook.

Than this felt good: A got another random check for hundreds of dollars in the mail.

I am told that the reward system is based on dopamine, but what really does that mean?

It seems anything I do means equal parts jack and shit at times. To me. Even without negative influence around.

I am convinced that I could be a neurosurgeon, find a cure for cancer, a cure for HIV, stop world poverty and still feel horribly incomplete or exceptionally shallow.

Is it better to be depresses or self absorbed? I feel those as my options. Perhaps now a person reading these pathetic words would view me as equal parts both.

Anything I do seems equally easy and frustrating. I wonder if I will ever find anything challenging and interesting enough to get me to really feel alive...

April 16, 2004

Pieces of the Mind (Where the Reeses go...)


brain stem - basic metabolic functions (suck in air, burger eat, pump blood)

limbic system - emotions and stuff...ties in current stimuli with past memories (fear love and joy...)
amygadala - creates pointers which makes fearful situations more memorable and alerts fear systems.
hippocampus
hypothalamus

neocortex - abstract & complex thoughts (what would happen if there were no burgers?)

A few more thoughts on the mind

So I am just about done finishing Mind Wide Open...a few more recap points

some people are amazingly gifted at using certain parts of their brains, others are simply gifted in the ability to well integrate the different inputs and uses.

To change extremely bad psychological damage thinking about the action does not work. The best way to deal with damaging activity is to ignore it or block it out for the fist little bit after it happens.

Each time you remember something you engrave a new memory of it based on the changes in your life and environment since you last remember that memory. You may, for example think that sex is bad because you are taught that way. You may be stuck thinking about it in that light indefinentally. Chances are though that even if your social connections are a bit broken eventually you will meet someone you can grow socially attached to. You will probably meet someone that you have really enjoyable sex with. Certainly I am not saying social attachment and sex are one and the same, but more that sex without any sort of social attachment is somewhat numbing...it cheapens the value of something that is intended to be great (by some super natural force or by evolution.)

So the trick is to slowly change you social relationships to where you make better friends, meet new people, and eventually you will have super enjoyable sex. Now I am not stating that everything in the world is based on the repressed desire for sex (Freudian thinking there) but that through smaller micro changes you can eventually make macro changes.

It starts with conditioning thought and memory to match something that is more appealing and good. Then eventually you can dwell on the possitive things that are associated with that memory if anything good ever happens. This is why and how psychologists work. They know they can not erase your memories from your amygdala (even people with amnesia still have proven to have active memory in this portion of the brain). What they can do is slowly reshape the bonds.

Once I finally have enjoyable sex (or I may have already done so :) ) I can associate sex in general with that good sex and then become a man whore...this is actually not my intention, but it just is an attempt to explain the micro macro thing. All of this example is based on my idea of creating a healthy relationship while assuming that it is much harder to do with a person that you do not enjoy humping.

Now my example was somewhat jokingly created based on me knowing that certain people read my blog, but I think I broke down what I was trying to say so that even my own mom would understand it...

April 14, 2004

Social Neurological Profiling

I certainly am not one who thinks birth determines our full fate. I know personally that just viewing more sunlight creates lush amounts of serotonin in my mind which was nonexistant when I was on the submarine.

To single out specific neurotransmitters and attempt to completely define a person by them is wrong, but they do help paint a picture.

Robert Cloninger created a three dimentional organizational matrix based upon serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. This does not paint a complete picture of the mind since it is missing many other important neurtransmitters, but it can help give a good snapshot of a person.

serotonin come primarily from tryptophan synthesis which is strongly helped by B vitamins. Tryptophan can be taken as a suppliment which comes for Griffonia seed extract.

me and serotonin: In my estimation my mind is somewhat low in this neurotransmitter. I notice rapid changes (increase) in it's level when i exercise heavily or drink. When I was in the the navy (where there was no sunlight or summer) I was suicidally depressed.

serotonin and society: this is the neurotransmitter which is manipulated by Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft and the like. while being way cheaper than those, 5HTP is a natural alternative that is not regularly promoted by most doctors. When Prozac came out, tryptophan became illegal as a supplement but is still added to baby food today.

FDA has provided for the use of manufactured L-tryptophan for special dietary purposes. Manufactured L-tryptophan is a lawful and essential component of foods, such as infant formulas, enteral products and approved parenteral drug products - source: FDA

Some of the SSRI's have recently been associated with suicide.
What probably helped spur the suicide warning were secret studies undertaken by drug companies, made public last year. They show depressed children taking SSRIs were more likely to become suicidal than those on placebos. source: USA Today

people with low serotonin levels tend to be introverted, quiter, and sometimes depressed.

people with higher serotonin levels tend to be more outgoing, louder, somewhat like social butterflies.

recreational drug use: serotonin is directly effected by MDMA and is also manipulated by LSD. recently ABC did a piece saying that the federal government is full of crap in reference to their bogus reports on the negative side effects of MDMA (view Ecstasy Rising). I can say that there are legitimate short term negative side effects, though what legitimate research has been done on the subject (by German scientists) shows negligable side effects within months of stopping taking the drug. Many time the drug is cut or made through shifty practices (cooked off too quickly or improperly filtered) which cause it to include MDA and other amphetamines or other crazy boosting agents. These are proven to have extremely bad longterm side effects...thus even if ecstasy is not damaging, many of the pills that are sold as ecstasy are. This year only weed will be introduced to more Americans than ecstasy. The estimated number of new users this year is somewhat around 1.8 million.

diseases associated with serotonin: low serotonin levels can cause seasonal affective disorder and other depressive conditions.

serotonin effects: - this is essentially what amounts to the neurotransmitter related to self confidence. again I would view my levels as being below average. this is why I feel amazingly healthy when I work out to boost it, or if I take supplements such as 5 HTP. If you have way too much it is just as bad as not having enough. This is why some people who are wrongly prescribed SSRI's get electric zaps and have nightmares. Too much activity creates too much random firing...I could write pages on this neurotransmitter, but I have in the past and will again in the future.

Serotonin enhancing drugs can lead to eventual emotional numbness. The increasing serotonin levels cause a decrease in testostorone which leads to lower levels of dopamine. Dopamine is frequently associated with passion. Also the overly high levels of serotonin can make it harder for the mind to focus on any specific thing. This lack of focus and lower dopamine level can break up romance, as noted by some emails I frequently get about long standing marriages breaking up and throwing men into mid life crisises (from husbands of wives stuck on SSRI's).


dopamine comes primarily from L-dopa, from Tyrosine, which is created from L-phenylalanine.

me and dopamine: I am somewhat a creature of habit who rarely seeks out new things. I do; however, seem to place extremely high expections on activities prior to doing them...mostly to feel let down when they are over as I lose focus on what next interesting thing will keep me interested and looking forward to something. The lack of interest in the downside of events may be a large portion of why I am disinterested with dopaminergetic drugs like cocaine or other instant rush items such as roller coasters (of course the fear of roller coaster may just be based on childhood falls hiding in my amygdala).

I would say that my dopamine level is most likely higher than that of the average person and way more sensitive to change. Many times what would otherwise be a dopamine based urge is blocked by the fact that I have lower than normal serotonin levels.

Dopamine activity can partially be determined based on prior risky activity with little reward. Certainly as alchohol boosts dopamine (and serotonin levels off the start) I am far more likely to do things I otherwise would not.

People with food cravings are also shown to have lower dopamine receptor activity levels. I do not think my random overeating is associated with this so much as with the effects of serotonin, though I could be wrong. I have noticed when I excercise I eat substantially less food. The same also holds true when I take 5 HTP supplements.

In all honesty a single person can have high and low in dopamine activity as it plays different roles in the mind. Dopamine activities would be more accurately measured if separated out the way we separate out the components of attention.

dopamine and society: this is the neurotransmitter associated with seeking out new activities and interest in new things. it is also the neurotransmitter associated with reward circuitry.

Dopamine levels surge in anticipation of something good or when something more rewarding than expected happens. This is why an occasional "good job" goes a long way to make people feel good about themselves. If they hear good job way too often though it fails to tap into the dopamine system. When really pleasant experiences occur people might expect to see a 30 - 40% rise in dopamine levels. These rises are frequently tied to what we want vice just what we like. Crack or methamphetamine can raise dopamine levels many thousands of percent.

currently this is not as often medicated as a problem as neurotransmitters such as serotonin. wellbutrin is used to treat depressive symptoms in people who have depression which stems from a lack of proper reward circuitry activity.

L Dopa is used to increase its levels of dopamine for those who have parkinsons. Ritalin is known to elevate dopamine levles by blocking the reabsorption of dopamine into nerve cells. increasing dopamine levels evidentally is one of the ways of fighting ADD / ADHD.

schizophrenia fighting drugs tend to lower the activity of the dopaminergetic system.


One of my friends swears by BeCalmed.

people with low dopamine levels tend to be flightier and less focused.

people with higher dopamine levels tend to be highly organized, more focused, and have a sharper capacity to see / solve problems.

zyban is the anti smoking drug which increases dopamine and m

recreational drug use: cocaine and methamphetamine are known to manipulate the dopamine system, frequent abuse of these drugs QUICKLY burns out their receptors. Cigarttes are also known to bost Dopamine levels primarily through an MAOI effect. Zyban is a drug which helps smooth out the peaks and valleys to minimize the desire to smoke.
Caffiene is also known to have an effect on the dopamine system.

caffeine doses that reflect the daily human consumption, do not induce a release of dopamine in the shell of the nucleus accumbens but lead to a release of dopamine in the prefrontal cortex, which is consistent with caffeine reinforcing properties. - source

diseases associated with dopamine: Parkinsons, ADD / ADHD, depression, schizophrenia
dopamine effects: dopamine is somewhat similar to a rheostat for pleasure. vice measuring the pleasure of things specifically it is what measures them as compared to our expectations. it also works as a filtering agent helping to bring different stimuli into focus. if you always have overly high expectations, then it is easy to fall short and slide into a somewhat depressed state. if things are more pleasing than expected then dopamine can be extremely reenforcing.
some people who were being treated for Parkinsons diesease found new love for addictive behaviors such as gambling. If dopamine levels are overly high then people become exceptionally compulsive with things such as eating (dopamine and food), drinking, smoking, and gambling. Bipolar people who were given L Dopa were frequently found to go into manic bouts.

Wellbutrin is a treatment for depression for those who have their symptoms related to the dopamine systems (or primarily feel a lack of reward). Most depression studies of the 1980's and 1990's primarily focused on the serotonin system.
learn more about dopamine (59 minute audio)

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Norepinephrine comes from dopamine synthesis

some studies have linked increased norepinephrine to REM sleep deprivation


too tired to write a bunch about Norepinephrine. however, I may later :)

"Neither 5-HT nor NE depletion induced clinical depression in healthy subjects or worsened depression in unmedicated symptomatic patients with major depression. This finding suggests that the cause of depression is more complex than just an alteration in the levels of 5-HT and/or NE. For some patients, depression may be more directly caused by dysfunction in brain areas or neuronal systems modulated by monoamine systems. We propose that antidepressant drugs may enhance neurotransmission in normal noradrenergic or serotonergic neurons and, through a time-dependent but as yet undiscovered process, restore function to brain areas modulated by monoamine neurons. Future research should focus on understanding the adaptive changes that follow enhancement of synaptic levels of monoamines in neuronal circuits of the frontal cortex, amygdala, and hippocampus. Research investigating the neurobiology of depression may be more informed if the focus is shifted to investigating areas of the brain modulated by monoamine systems rather than the monoamine systems themselves. " - source

Laughing, Love, and Social Connection

So some people fight fear with the fight or flight system, whereas others are more empathetic in their handling of the situation.

Most of the fight or flight type responses tests have been dominated by male test subjects, whereas those which included sufficient females have proven their different response.

The fact that women bith children makes them more inclined to be empathetic and nurturing in situations of stress. Fight or flight does not work when you have a child to care for.

Further studies have shown parallels between sex, brest feeding, laughing and tickling. Apparently our oxytocin receptors are intertwined with areas which are heavy in dopamine receptors (within the nucleus accumbens).

While oxytocin does not directly cause pleasure, it's close intertwining with other parts of the mind show how the effects of a long gaze, drugs, humping, or a deep laugh cause the pleasureful sensations in our minds.

Laughing has also proven to be a strong social bonding situation. Think how rarely you laugh when by yourself and how much you laugh when near others.
The very act of laughter also improves our imune system.
I laugh you...ha

It's hard to laugh unless you have a vivid picture of a person and their words in your mind. Children still learn to smile and laugh instinctively because they feel the safety and warmth of another. While they understand very little, they understand the power of that social connection. Laughter shows how extroverted of beings we are. Sadly though my job which rarely gives me an excuse to leave the house makes most of my communications occur one key at a time.

Though as we get older it seems we are led to believe that we have less time for playing around. Yet another reason why corporate america can kiss my ass... lol...I know I am learning and will eventually find what I want though...

April 13, 2004

ADD ADHD

So some people have add or adhd and that is a problem.

In all reality my contention is that drug companies push this disease idea, although it does exist in some people. I am one of the. <--- just screwing with my mom here.

Attention is not a single attribute, but a collection of attributes with many layers.

focus
encode (most people run into a wall at about 7 items - this is the reason for the length of your phone #)
sustain
supervisory attention control
and switching between inputs

Also these differenet elements have different skill levels within different individuals by different senses. A person with high visual focus may not have a high audio fucus.

you can use feedback machines that monitor your theta level or other brain waves to help you focus or change mental states.

One other cool thing is that humans are better at visually tracking back data than remembering visual items in chronological order. (we want to know where danger is coming from)

April 9, 2004

Fear, Cookie Monster, and The Easter Bunny

I am not afraid of the Easter Bunny. He brings me candy every year. This year his timing worked to where he delivered pounds of chocolate right as I was finishing up snarfing cookies. I am exceptionally similar to the cookie monster. Although he is titled a monster, he obviously does not scare me.

Where does fear come from?

Many of our greatest fears are driven from past experiences. The need for survival prevents fear from being enacted upon logically. Rather than going through the whole slow logic process our amygadala has the ability to quickly process fear responses and help store those memories.

Vice storing all those memories within the amygadala, the amygadala generalizes associations which activate fear and provide pointers to where this data exists within the cortext. The reasons for a generalization is that it wants to group similar ideas in with the one that triggered the response to provide a more effective fear response.

Basically the amygadala says "look quick...this could be bad."

They have proven that people with amnesia can still remember events that trigger pain, which shows they can still learn some things.

The fact that the fear responses are not processed within our concience shows why people can have such hard time with events such as post traumatic stress disorder. Some people believe that the mind revisits horrible ideas to help master it's problems, but the truth is this reentry is nothing more than a way to remind us of what happend. It helps provide self preservation.

April 8, 2004

daily news

Greenland is melting
my roommate lived could use this, we both lived there
AIDS in South Africa

also: ran 3 miles yesterday. brings yearly total to 11 miles. only 989 miles to go...

April 7, 2004

Exercise in Cookie Eating

Obviously I have much in common with the cookie monster. My mother sent me cookies today and well I probably ate over half of them in the last 4 - 5 hours. It is not even intentional...I just snarf them down.

I am wondering more about the exact role different neurochemicals play in certain diseases...for instance, austitic people lack the ability to read other people's eyes. They find other people hard to read.

When I don't exercise I am the same way. After my super cookie binge I went for a jog. It felt good. I noticed my vision sharpen in much the same way I notice after I have about 2 - 3 drinks. I sense my adrenaline rushing to convert that glycogen into glucose...with the rise in the dopamine and serotonin levels I start to notice more things.

I see girls staring at me that I normally would not notice. Certainly 2 miles down the road I am physically not a far different person than I was a few miles ago, yet I notice this empathetic sense of understanding...some extra awareness.

Then again perhaps I just knew there were more cookies when I got home... snarf snarf

thanks mom

Autism Test

Sometimes autistic people are viewed as dumb. Sometimes they are viewed as being really smart. Autism essetially is the trait defined by the lack of ability to see inside the mind of another.

At a young age most people develope the ability to understand how people around them think. Tracking eyes from near birth and absolutely possessing the skill to predict external mental behavior by the age of 4.

Since the brain is modular and weaknesses often offset our strengths it is very common for autistic people to be mathematically strong and exceptionally weak at communicating. I did take the college level entry exam after doing good on a math test in 5TH grade.

While I am not outright 100% autistic, my lifestyle is / was certainly one which would progress the situation...and I was really good at math when I was a kid. Most of my social interactions occur through words I read or the letters I type. As a kid I had few friends.

Anyway the autistic test ranges from 1 - 32 with an average person being a 16.4. The higher the score, the more likely a person is to be considered autistic. Fully autistic people usually score about a 35. I took the autism test and had the following results

Agree: 4,7,9,12,16,18,19,22,23,26,33,39,41,42,45,46: 1 point
Disagree: 1,10,11,24,27,31,38,47: 1 point
Score: 24

My autims test scores are probably slightly off due to my recent engagement to learning in a book and my slight understanding of neurology.

As one continues to read through Mind Wide Open, Steven Berlin Johnson talks greatly about eye tests and how some can instinctively read the emotions of another just by a glance at the eyes. Non autistic people have their amygdala light up when they try to figure out what emotions another set of eyes portray. If one goes with their innitial reaction they are right a majority of the time. Second guessing and over analysis almost indefinitely leads to the wrong answers.

Autistic people do not have this same activity within the amydala and are forced to use the neocortex to derive pattern recognition in others - to realize what different things mean. The problem is that this is the very action which provides incorrect results for others.

This lack of empathetic feeling points exactly to why I did illegal things which offset some of my own psychological states. For example, the effect of alchohol deadens the over analytical portions of the brain. It prevents me from over analyzing things. In addition alchohol temporarily boosts serotonin levels, which increases a sense of empathy between people.

When I drink a little (but not too much) I have this rare sense that I know exactly what other people are thinking based on their body language. This feeling is exasperated exceptionally well because of it's lack of existence within my own mind from day to day. It does not necissarliy mean that I understand people more than other people do, or that I even understand other people more than I normally do. What it means is that based specificially on physical attributes in that state I believe I can read people better than I normally can. When I first meet new people this is not one of my strong natural attributes.

Thus the effects of my own lushness were the exact opposite of everything I knew...no analytical reactor, no weeks without sunlight, no weeks of crying myself to sleep. It provided a connected sense of empathy which I could only get artificially for brief periods of time...and so I did.

April 6, 2004

Kurt Cobain

Kurt Cobain died ten years ago. Some people say that his great fortunes (or misfortunes) were due primarily to timing. Others could care less about him, other than an attempt to still make a buck off his death.

When I was younger I did not understand all the fuss. What the hell is this I thought? I since went through years where I wanted absolutely nothing more than I wanted death. Of course some power beyond my own control propelled me through that bleak naval existance. I now understand what he was singing about...at least on some level.

While Kurt's music is cool, he is just like many of my other favorite musicians...dead. All in all is all we are.

April 4, 2004

MTBI Test Results

taken tired after many hours awake...most likely am more introverted, but hide it by ACTING extroverted...that coupled with tiredness probably threw the test off...

Your personality type is ENFP.

Extraverted (E) 50% Introverted (I) 50%
Intuitive (N) 86% Sensing (S) 14%
Feeling (F) 85% Thinking (T) 15%
Perceiving (P) 77% Judging (J) 23%

I wonder what my mom is? TAKE TEST HERE


If I am ENFP

People of this type tend to be: enthusiastic, talkative, and outgoing; clever, curious, and playful; deeply caring, sensitive, and gentle; highly innovative, creative, optimistic, and unique; adaptable and resourceful but sometimes disorganized.

The most important thing to ENFPs is freedom to see possibilities, make connections, and be with a variety of people.
Jobs
Advertising account executive
Career / outplacement counselor
Management consultant
Developer of educational software
Actor
Journalist / magazine reporter
Graphics designer
Art director
Copy writer
Corporate team trainer
Residential housing director
Psychologist
Inventor
Human resources profession
Child welfare counselor source

If I am INFP


People of this type tend to be: quiet, reserved, and kind; deeply passionate, sensitive, and easily hurt; loving and dedicated to those close to them; creative, original, and imaginative; curious and flexible in small matters; nonconforming.

The most important thing to INFPs is their deeply held beliefs and living in harmony with their values.

Psychologist
Human resources professional
Physical therapist
Researcher
Translator/interpreter
Legal mediator
Employee development specialist
Religious worker
College professor: humanities
Massage therapist
Social worker
Librarian
Fashion designer
Holistic health practitioner
Editor/art director (web site)

Mentally Weak

So many people wonder around and even eventually get placed on prescriptions which prevent them from using what intelligence was granted to them.

Metally weak, they do not know that they are. They have no frame of reference. Everything is normal and baseline, it's what they know.

Almost discouraged. At the other end of the spectrum I am "mentally strong." I have seen some real bullshit. It has tried to destroy me. I defied it. Now I seem to face the day, unchallenged...bored.

Socially introverted. Quiet. I almost never talk to others unless I am charging them by the hour. Is it phone sex? Maybe. What is the difference? I try to help them achieve bullshit goals usually driven by greed.

Does that make me good? Doubtful. Change is not external. Most people fail because of their own laziness and closemindedness. I am a fool if I think I can change that, though I try.

ALSO...

I met a person who said he was one of the Vanderbilts today. In my eyes he was a complete scumbag. He felt compelled to tell me that he has a good bit of cash in the bank. As if that mattered, as if that made him important, as if he earned it.

I think if I would have saw him brag like that out in a place a little less public I would have punched his teeth in so he could have spent a bit of his excess cash fixing his mouth.

March 13, 2004

Inverse Rule of Blogging

the happier i am and the more i have to do the less i blog.

blog post frequency and happiness levels are inverse?

then why do I like blogs so much?

March 6, 2004

New York City

I just got back from New York City and Times Square. Search Engines + NYC = fun stuff...

russian mobsters, onion writers, and the coolest people in information distribution...

apparently I am not the only one with good news. goodle

February 16, 2004

Hooked on Phonics

You're Hooked on Phonics,
I'm Hooked on Crack.

That is just one of my stupid T shirt ideas.

Last night the cops took my prints, picture, searched my car, and searched my room...of course I will make a grand post about it soon.

"The right way is the only way." - bullshit slogan on desk

February 10, 2004

James Daugherty

So earlier I made an evil post about my brother after he pissed me off. He made a small quick website and wants to rank well for his name. Here is my offer of help James Daugherty.

February 7, 2004

Racism & Corrupt Cops

I am a white male, 24 years in age. Due to personal choices or environmental factors I have been highly isolated from society.

This weekend driving home I felt what it was like to see racism and ignorance at work.

I normally drive rather fast. I was driving slow, only because I was right behind a semi. A car in the on ramp did not use its blinker and did not yield. The car just cut me off. Its ok though, because it was a cop.

At the end of the road it divides into 4 lanes. The cop slowed down and cut over 3 lanes to get behind me. I immediately turned into the gas station because that seemed like a very fucked up move by the cop. Sure enough he turned his lights on and followed me.

He asked me if I had a problem with my high beams. I asked him what he was talking about. He stated that I had my high beams on the whole way. I turned my lights on to show him what he saw and what my high beams were.

He even pulled me out of the car and patted me down as well as search random parts of my car. The asshole even opened my gas cap to see that I did not have a cap.

Eventually after he asked me if the car had been in a wreck I stated that the front end just got banged up a bit. I was lying to make his small mind feel correct in his own mind.

He wasted over a half hour of my life that I will never get back. He also did a good job of lowering my respect for all police officers.

I could not imagine what it would be like to see that kind of bullshit almost daily.

February 5, 2004

Bipolar

So I feel exceptionally good right now. I know there is no reason for this feeling considering all the following have happened in the last 2 weeks

  • I got my letter back that I sent to my sister. She could not have it because she is rotting in jail and they can't have stickers there.
  • One of my best clients got ran over yesterday.
  • One of my best friends from the submarine just got his second DUI when he hit a parked car at 35 miles an hour.
  • The passport agency screwed me over and I did not get to go visit one of my best clients in his career moment.
  • My roommates girlfriend just got her rabbit in better shap. It lost a few pounds and was projected to live a few years longer. NOPE, it just died of kindey failure.

I am hating the idea of going to sleep as I know when I wake I will feel the flip side. I am sure I will feel it hard too.

Alpha Males

Why do alpha males exist?

These people have small hearts and even smaller minds. They have no purpose other than to erode Earth. Evolution still has some work to do.

Last Saturday night I was dancing in a club and this girl threw herself on me. I backed away, but she continued to chase me down. This was kinda wierd. From my backside an uncoordinated person came up and walked right into me pouring his bear all over himself. He was then pissed at me.

Later in the night he was sitting stupid and boring. I was still dancing around and he threw something at me. When I went over to ask him what he did he immediatly wanted to fight me. What a loser.

As big of a dirtball as he was, I do not see why he brought her to that club so he could sit around angry. What is even more shocking to me it the fact that girls stick with these losers. What the hell do they see in them?

A long time ago a kid put a choke hold on me because his girlfriend was flirting with me. I just do not understand these people.

Last Saturday did get more fun though.

So I went to another club, which was closed. I met 3 random people and were walking with them to a party. Less than a block after I started walking with them the guy fell over on the ice and knocked himself out.

Police were nearby and immediatly called 911. We got him up though. We went walking and a block later we were the only 4 white people in a Nigerian birthday party where most of the people were in Nigerian dress including cool hats. I was not in the best state of affair, but it seemed a rather special place to be. I loved the culture that was there, just wish I would have known a little more about it.

Buy Em Out

Another game of gluttony

When at the grocery store buy all of anything you like. I do not mean you need to buy all the yogurt, but you should buy all the Blueberry Columbo yogurt.

I do not mean you should buy all the juice, but you should buy all 60 cans of dole pineapple juice.

This is how I shopped last time (and specifically I did the above two items.) This falls in line well with our greedy centric attitudes.

It's really fun too, because the people at the store could never prepare for these types of shoppers.

Hit, Hit, Bust... Reality TV Show Idea

So there are many stupid reality TV shows out there. Many times a small hoax is grand as different people have different value systems.

I have an idea that a show making millions in ad revenue should be able to loose a fortune and still make money. Thus I have the idea

Hit Hit Bust

You play blackjack and ALWAYS take a hit up to 21. When you bust get just a small amount angy and then just say "I'll get him next time."

When someone wants to tell you how to play refuse advice and when they ask what the hell you are doing you wink at them and then say "I took a course."

January 26, 2004

Introverted

I have lived at my current location for about a year and a half and just today I found out where the post office is. I just kinda drove and got lost, drove and got lost...then I found my way.

At each of my ends when I traveled a new path I stoped to ask for directions. Perhaps it is only coincidence, but I think it is more that both of the two stoping points were package stores.

Sure the flags waving and neon signs make them easier to see, but it is a real strong staple of our economy when my misdirections lead me to package store after package store.

Perhaps there was a message on a deeper level if I chose to accept it?

January 25, 2004

Peanuts and Outkast Make Me Wanna Holla

Yesterday I bought a shirt for the first time in months...other than my Meatrix shirt I am waiting on....It was a Pig Pen shirt.

If you are creative, goofy, and track info you will see that everything in the world relates to you. Without further adew:

The best things in the world are free. Even if its when the peanuts have Too Much Caffeine.

January 19, 2004

January 18, 2004

The Football Playoffs

The Eagles once again destroyed my roommate Bob with lousy NFC championship game play. He still made cheesesteaks though :)

When the Patriots won one of their players started off with that "I would like to think The Lord Savior Jesus Christ And The Holy Spirit" bullshit that I find offensive. How stupid is it to think that the omnipotent being is specifically rooting for your team. In a world this fucked up I would be pissed if my God gave two shits about professional sports.

January 16, 2004

Passport + Post Office is Cool

I had to get a passport in a rush and it turns out that you can get one in less than a week for $185. That's not cheap, but it is quick.

While I was at the post office I observed that both the counter workers were delightful (perhaps because they were not in the blistering chill of the Noreaster outside). The Post Office gets a bad rap, but I have seen some real assholes walk in and demand excellent service and that the counter worker do something they couldn't.

Stupid people bitching about how they want their part of their refund for closing a box that was in someone elses name. And they want the money today.

I am not certain if it is just because my mom is a postmaster, or just because I recognize they do not get much credit for doing a good job...I have a bunch of respect for postal workers though.

January 15, 2004

Coffee Break

Can't get enough Starbucks in your mouth? Shove some in your rear!!! Coffee Enemas

January 12, 2004

Wrong Number?

Hi Honey
Hi
Hi Honey
Hi, Who is this?
I'm Looking for Danny
This is deffinately not Danny.
oh, ok...

January 9, 2004

Joining the Mafia

So out of nowhere yesterday I subscribed to waste some of my time on a subscription with a doubious site.

This was a bad move on many levels.
1.) The streaming quality was poor.
2.) I have an active imagination and have no need.
3.) I am really fucking busy.
4.) Unsubscribing is not easy.

I did however read the unsubscribe instructions before I subscribed, and saved the unsubscribe page as one of my favorites.

Where the problem comes is that they send the account details via email. Sometimes they do not send them, and other times they send them to a box littered with porn spam.

I did not get my email, so the other option was to call the 800 support number. Generally they figure that people will just get stuck with these bills and not know how to get rid of them.

I had no shame and the page was saved in my favorites. In addition I remembered which payment processing agent it was...it really was rather quick and painless.

Obviously this post indicates that I have no shame, and thus it was no big deal for me to call customer support. I talked to the guy and less than a minute later I had my unsubscribe email. I kinda thought that cycle was going to be like joining the mafia, but it was rather easy to get out...now I have to unsubscribe from my ATT dialup account...lets see how hard that is compared to the quitting the mafia!

January 5, 2004

How Do You Rate?

Take the test

me:

Economic Left/Right: -5.62
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -6.15

Political Compass - Reading List

January 4, 2004

There is no God

That is what some websites would like me to believe. While searching for "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas I came across this website in the search results.

Hot or Not

So I submitted an exceptionally ugly photo to Hot or Not.com...making the ugliest face I possibly could. So far it has been rated an 8. Either people are really high when they vote or they have braille monitors. You can lower my 8 by voting here

I even made my username star69asshole...Yet the first 87 say I am an 8?

I wonder what the band memebers from G Love and Special Sauce would get?

Oddly enough "The Best of G Love and Special Sauce" just came out...but for my money it doesn't get any better than when Michael Bolton sings "When a Man Loves a Woman"

Speaking of music, I bought Lyrics Blog.com and am going to review the lyrics to one song each day.

January 3, 2004

Feedback to the Learning Young

Hello Alen
Congrats on your strong interest in math. When I was in 5th grade I did so
good on math that I took the college level entry exam. I outscored 3/4
high school graduates who took the test. By 7th grade I was somehow in
slow learners math...by the time I got out of high school I never did
anything beyond pre calculus.

I then joined the navy as a nuclear reactor operator on fast attack
submarines. The lifestyle was so traumatic that I thought it perminentally
destroyed my mind.

After I got kicked out of the navy for using drugs because I wanted to
kill myself I made a site letting the world know what I thought of the
navy. Learning how to promote it made me a professional search engine
marketer.

Now my friend is getting out of the navy and I am going to move with him.
I might start college paying 100% out of pocket, because people like you
ask me questions that I can not answer, but want to be able to...

If you want to learn some of the more advanced ideas behind search look up
some of the following terms CNRP, VERA, Dublin Core, Semantic Ontologies,
aboutness...

I would love to study mathematics and computer science, but the best
source for your answers is to find the documents referenced at the top of
search engines for the above topics.

may the navy not swallow your life or mind

best of luck
aaron

December 29, 2003

Aaron = The Meat

So today I finished my favorite book ever (The Tipping Point). It covers how small changes can have huge effects. Of course I feel ok, but not great. The book was uplifting though.

In the past few months I have probably bought close to 100 books. Now as I look at some of them I realize they will not get read. Picking out my next book I was unsure if I wanted "The Peruit of Wow," "Power Reading," "Crossing the Chasm," "Cascading Style Sheets," "Information Aritechture for the World Wide Web," or one of my Noam Chomsky books.

So of course I settled on "Awaken the Giant Within." With small changes having big effects and this book having over 500 pages...I am almost scared at what I could do.

Recently a friend told me about a theory a guy off the boat had. There is this animal that will be created called "the meat." Basically this animal will just be a spinal cord that takes whatever flavoring you feed it until the day you decide to eat it.

Its kinda sad how much I view myself and most people...as the meat. More than we would like we are products of our environment. Yet in some weird way we have absolute control over our actions.

A few pages in I am forced to pause. I am at "How to Create Lasting Change," and I am not certain that I want it. When things are fucked up and I have something to complain about things make sense.

As I look at the smile on the cover, as I look at Anthony Robbins, I wonder if I wish to change the flavor of my spinal cord...I wonder if I ever honestly want to smile...

December 28, 2003

Disconnected

Its a sad state that earthquakes can occur and kill thousands of people and I keep myself so isolated that I do not even realize until days later... CNN.com - Aid flows to Iran in quake's aftermath - Dec. 27, 2003

December 25, 2003

Like Family

When I was 13 my siblings all went to jail. When I was 17 I joined the FUCKING Navy. The holidays are not usually real swell because I do not usually feel like family...today I got to talk to my mom, sister, and brother though.

For at least a small bit of time things kinda seem somewhat normal...I am sure it won't last, but it feels good right now :)

Now I know my mom will read this, and she will be mad at much of what I say (or how I say it). In all honesty though I can't let others control my actions, thoughts, or expressions...thats how I end up finding self destruction. Tomorrow I will pretend that today I did not find out that my mother found this.

Why My Brother is Not a Good Person

another narcissistic post

So my brother recently got back on his feet again. He needed some help financially. Instead of looking anywhere else he asked me first. I told him to look elsewhere. He then got some help and asked me for the remainder. I sent him cash in an envelope and a small letter that basically said "be a human being."

I tried to say it in a nice way, but its a hard message to send nicely. He called three times while he wanted the money and while it was on its way. First time I spoke with him in a long time. Today is Christmas and he has not called.

When I feel like I am doing something wrong, when I feel like I am being a bad person, he at least gives me a standard to gauge myself. If that is the only good I find in him perhaps that is my own negative attitude...

Another Narcissistic Post

All future narcissistic posts will be left in the extended entry so that people are not forced into my psychotic world...

I just peeled the price tag off of a cool stuffed dog my mother bought me. As much as I think the dog is cool...peeling the tag off makes me think of some kid in China in a sweat shop...working to make my dog.

I didn't buy any presents...I am not sure if I ever will again. Today I got a great compliment and started reading one of the best books I have ever read.

Again I find myself thinking lowly about me. In general as much as these keystrokes could ever be for anyone else, they are for me.

I know that when I type my name...its because I feel like shit. When I type about something else...its because I am learning and happy. The problem is when I am learning and I still want to type my name.

Everything I have read, everything I have learned has taught me that I am unstable...that I have low serotonin levels.

Thinking back of even the way I eat people can see a pattern which I am destined to live with until I die.

I would make an amazing case study for any psychologist that I did not make want to kill themselves...

December 23, 2003

Maniac Twitch in Eye

So I am wondering when the twitch in my eye will go away. Its been pretty fucked for a couple days now... Christmas is coming... feel like shit and am not sure why... one of the largest marketing firms on the web wanted to call and talk to me... but never did... Ironically a guy I am helping is in the hospital getting eye surgery right now... I am loosing what sanity I have left... I can see my monitor and the world in at 80 Hz.

From what I gather the twiching eye is most likely due to my excessive computer viewing coupled with my current mental state. Many of the top people listing well for terms related to eye twitching or like terms are spamming. I saw a google aided deep search and a refresh with the two pages I actually looked at. Needless to say I am going to sleep disguisted with both the world and myself tonight.

[update: found this great eye twitching resource. it explains it all!]

December 22, 2003

Wal Mart Christmas Gifts

So I just went to Walmart to buy Christmas gifts. As I looked around I started to think of what would be the perfect gift...what would define me. I didn't have to search long to find the answer.

I was swimming in the mindless sea of greed and commerce...but I found the ocean disinteresting... I abandonded my cart in the middle of the store.
I bought cards and that was it. I think its the first year I decided that I was not going to show fake love by buying a buch of bullshit people do not want.
I think I am sold on Christmas for the rest of my life. Three interesting notes of the journey.
1.) some guy was too dumb to use self checkout, but he insisted anyway
2.) Wal Mart is now selling stuff that is normally sold at Spensers
3.) Though they spell wal my last name is wall. Just for the hell of it I searched for wallmart.com and got a 404 error page. I wonder if they realize how much money is being wasted throwing away this traffic

Hollywood Bollywood Hindi Indian Movies

random post...

So I have friends who are into foreign movies. One porn freek loves him some hentai. Another one of my friends has a fascination with Indian Movies.

Evidentally they refer to indian movies as Bollywood, Hindi and a bunch of other terms.

I searched Google to define: Bollywood, but Princeton was the only place with a definition...and it was rather generic "the film industry of India." I am told Bollywood is a spin off Hollywood, I just wanted to know what it means.

As I searched I realize I am not the only one perplexed by the name.

December 20, 2003

December 19, 2003

Mean Bitch

So last night my friend came over and woke me up. As usual we went out to a club. He found these two girls who were incredible assholes, but funny ones.

They were cute and they knew it. They REALLY enjoyed fucking with people. I know I am an alright dancer and that I look ok, but these girls thought they were awesome.

We would kinda dance with them, and when we would move away they would follow us. They were crazy...walking around pinching everyones nipples...crazy.

The more aggressive and psychotic of the two girls threw her ass on me and so I started to dance with her. She then looked at me as if I had done something wrong.

She said "your lucky my friend thinks your so cool." Later she was flipping me off and just acting stupid. I kept screwing with her and provoking her (something I am sure she is not used to).

Eventually she threw her drink on me for what in my mind was "absolutely no reason at all." Afterwards she kept dancing with me, which should state something about her estranged mental state.

How you say something is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than anything you may ever have to say. Before I left at the end of the night I went over to say goodbye to her.

I have the ability to sound like a super insecure timid gay guy who is getting picked on. I also have the ability to soud like an alpha male. I told her "talk to you later. . . AND YOU SUCK."

She lost it like a dog, but I was already walking away... I loved it :)

December 18, 2003

December 17, 2003

Corporate Greed

In life we are taught that money is everything. If we just gave a bit more, worked a bit harder...

The key is to realize corporate greed for what it is. Its all FUCKING BULLSHIT.

The corporate ideal is that we can work hard enough and long enough that we are too tired to think for ourselves outside of work.

Families deteriorate and people never reach their potential because of this destructive greed.

Math is simple logic and simple numbers. Work for yourself. Learn for yourself. Do what you enjoy. The sooner you learn to think for yourself, spend the extra money to get what you want, and persue your dreams...the better you are.

In my estimation joining the US navy is the worste mistake I will ever make. I will no longer live as a lab rat.

Enron Corporate Greed

December 15, 2003

Narcissistic Post ... a Near Death Experience

So yet again I nearly killed myself last night. Not intentional...or so I say. The girl I was going to go to the concert with did not go...and I was pissed off. She said she had to go into work. Even if she did, it is of my humble opinion that friends are better people if they do not break plans or are just not friends.

I went by myself. Trey Anistasio was awesome, as was Tim Reynolds and Dave Mathews.

The problem is that when I start drinking at 5 pm and do not come home until 7 am and I hang out in the absolute wrong environments...that is a setup for real trouble.

I was talking to a friend today about it...

me: my biggest problem though is my hyper loyalty couple with my own self destructive behavior when others do not act like me...and most do not

friend: your problem is your disheveled appearance and wacky behavior attract the wrong kind of people

me: ouch. perhaps that is why i can be successful on the internet. nobody has to see me.

friend: most people who don't care how they look and act like they are mentally unstable (like you do)...aren't really good people on the inside (like you are)...in that respect you are somewhat unique

me: i respect that analysis, i have never once looked at it that way. its true that my own actions scare off people

friend: yeah what can I say...I was trapped on a submarine with you...I had to get to know the real you...I had no choice...

I guess the point of this post is that there is value in everything and that no matter whatever shit we find in our lives, it is usually us who place it there. Though at points last night I gave myself at least 2 to 1 odds otherwise, my heart and mind are still somehow functional...and somehow for my pains I have yet again got necissary feedback to improve myself...though I am sure some unknown organ damage had to have occured.

December 12, 2003

Kiteboarding

A friend of mine from California has recently taken up kiteboarding. Evidenetally kiteboarding is using a huge kite while you are on something somewhat similar to a boogie board.

He says kiteboarding is rather new and the top kiteboarding experts can go up to 50 feet in the air with no waves. Sounds like crazy fun!

Killing Boredom

Is work boring? I got something you can do for a while... HoldTheButton.com - How Long Can You Hold It?

December 11, 2003

Future Trends In Marketing

Marketing and product placement are yawnesk...so past tense. Using the internet the world will pick a couple great gurus on each topic. Each one of these people will point out what is good and thus it will be.

The more I read and learn about marketing, the more I see it is an illusion. Some people are only sucessful because others think they are. As some offer to pay me large sums of money just to talk to me...I realize they view me as a success. Because of them I suppose I may be.

In the future fast feedback networks will be able to crush companies worth billions of dollars if they are dishonest. For that reason people who are highly driven, highly intelligent, and creative will be able to shape the world with their own two hands.

In less than a year on the internet I have already changed hundreds or thousands of lives for the better. What will happen in the future. What trends will I cause as I learn about marketing.

If I were a person thinking about fucking me over, I would either kill me or think twice before I acted. While my words may stand with no meaning today, in the future I think they may! I wonder if another domain for my over the top commentary of this specific nature is in the works?

Thanks for destroying my work records and sending me to the psych ward US navy. Thanks for trying to reform me. checkmate!

ps: go navy, go FDA... :)

December 10, 2003

Are You Gay?

I have probably had as many guys hit on me as girls.

So today another girl asked me if I am gay. That makes...literally a ton (over two thousand of pounds of girls who have asked this). Now many of these same girls that ask me this ask after they make out with me and after they tell me I am the best kisser they have ever met.

I think the problem is that the male of the species is genetically designed to be sexually aggressive. I am not. I am not sure why, perhaps because

1.) I grew up usually without a father
2.) I have a brother with the worlds worst STD
3.) I generally waller in self loath - and perhaps I enjoy it

does the whole world know something I do not?

December 9, 2003

IQ report purchase is a sure sign of stupidity

Understanding the scientific methodology behind an IQ test, could I honestly consider it intelligent to trust the results from a random popup that wants to sell me these results for $14.95? They do not even mention time as a factor. I did not prepare for it and just randomly did it. This could make me appear smarter or dumber than I am. Buying the full report would obviously make me the second of the two.

Later I noticed they have dating popups too. I bet they offer a wonderul report for sale too! Perhaps we should all live life by survey...its at least a step above reality TV! eMode

Right now I know myself to have elevated levels of Serotonin in my mind. As I can even control the levels of my different neurotransmitters I should recognize this test does not account for me, but just for me in my current mood at my current location at the current point in time...and it has errors, as nothing is perfect.

One thing I will note is that all of these different mental tests tell me that I am a dreamer or visionary philosopher...they mention nothing about drugs, alcohol, or self destruction...

Which is the chicken and which is the egg?

just for fun I want to do another one and get every question wrong :)

Congratulations, aaron!
Your IQ score is 133

This number is the result of a formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on Emode's Ultimate IQ test. Your IQ score is scientifically accurate; to read more about the science behind our IQ test, click here.

During the test, you answered four different types of questions — mathematical, visual-spatial, linguistic and logical. We analyzed how you did on each of those questions which reveals how your brain uniquely works.

We also compared your answers with others who have taken the test. According to the sorts of questions you got correct, we can tell your Intellectual Type is a Visionary Philosopher.

This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns. And that's just some of what we know about you from your IQ results.

Find out more about your unique intellectual strengths in your personalized 15-page IQ report. It's ready right now!

Under the Bridge

I listened to the song over and over
I have read the lyrics and it was not enough
I went to the concert
and danced as if there was no tommorrow
but there was

I have been to the worlds largest parties
flown over the largest oceans
and rode underneath them
hell I even free based just for the fuck of it

If you are really fucked up its REALLY hard to change. In the last year I have went from being suicidal depressed introvert to a person who has learned enough about the internet to:

make lifelong friends
watch a new friend open in a new york city play
help people create functional businesses out of ideas
being quoted by top internet experts in their chosen field
being told that my information was better than that provided by the American Marketing Association from people I do not even know
having hundreds subscribe to my personal newsletter
single handedly support my sisters sanity
brought enjoyment to faces of many at work
hired people who may have never got a chance
helped people stay off the street
quit working for anyone other than those I want to
have a famous artist want me to be his only lifelong marketer (Christeas)
have helped people recapture their sanity when they were lost and stuck on drugs and having them tell me I am a god send over and over again

I am in the richest country in the world...with the greatest freedoms? (USA)
I also have seen many of the best musicians in the world (red hot chili peppers, staind, stone temple pilots, seether, linkin park, static x, badfish, white stripes, tool, incubus, queens of the stone age, audio slave...and a bunch of others)
I have went to the office to chat with (probably) the best marketer in the world (Seth Godin)
the face of marketing on one of the worlds largest networks changed overnight, (Google Florida Update) and I was one of the first to write about it
one of my friends thanked me for dragging him out of his depression
less than a week ago I saw one of the worlds greatest humanitarians (where my best friend was able to get Noam's autograph)
in less than a week I will be going to see one of the worlds greatest live musicians (Dave Mathews) with a girl that I like more than all others (Erica L Hamilton)

and despite all the above I feel a failure. Sadness without explanation.
If you are really fucked up its REALLY hard to change.

I have never used heroin because that at least gives me something to look forward to. I have never been in love because that at least gives me something to look forward to. When the sun rises again perhaps I can pretend that I wish to face the day.

Sometimes expression justifies thought while simultaneously clearing it - perhaps as usual, I am full of shit! I think I already feel better...sorry for that my loyal 3 readers!

December 8, 2003

Q and A

Hello stranger
are you straight?
no, well maybe yes
is it curiosity,
or is there offer in your prose
if it is something different
then it is true only once
after which the boredom will again appear
only slightly stronger
with a bit less purpose
and with one less day
will I carry anything but shame?

This poem is one of discovery. If you have ever hung around shady crowds you would know that the drug dealers are actually looking for the opposite answer of your current reality when they ask "are you straight?"

Some people are gay. Some use drugs. Some belong to both groups. In society we are taught to fear the unknown and offer great shame to those who are different than us.

Some argue that using drugs expands your horizons. Some argue that they immediatly close off your mind. I tend to agree more with the first of the two.

One of the most fucked up thing with our society is that the laws absolutely agree with the second. Tons of people use drugs, and I think the shame we attempt to paint on those who do is rather shameful itself.

Those who get in trouble for using drugs are typically trying to hurt themselves anyway. If the drugs were not available there would be another technique which is used.

For us to punish others for differences we do not understand shows how committed we are to "immediatly close off our minds."

December 3, 2003

cold nights

So its really starting to be winter up here...and its cold as can be. My window has a huge draft comming through, and one of out shutters blew off a couple days ago. Anyone who would like to buy me custom shutters may at DIYshutters

December 1, 2003

November 29, 2003

They Killed Kenny

Create your own south park character Why not, you know you want to?

Posted at 6:20 PM

November 28, 2003

Ronda Honda Motorcycle Mamma

When I was a wee little baby my mother had us children go to visit the nanny while she was working. This nanny was a real asshole if I can think of a single word to express her.

I liked my binki and my nanny did not. She sucked and would take it from me. I would cry. My siter would give me another. She would take it from me and beat my sister. The cycle would continue.

If I saw ronda today I would drop kick her in the mouth. Currently though there are backround check websites, so you should not have to worry about finding Ronda if you decide to use a site like NannyLocators.com.

They have links to the nanny backround checks right on their site :)

to rhonda: I hope you are dead and in hell if it exists!

Posted at 3:05 PM

November 27, 2003

Baby Fat

So I am starting to thicken up for the winter. I have always been at least a little bit thick. Wondering if its baby fat.

When people get old do they revert back to their childhood. Do they use pampers or Cloth Diapers

Posted at 1:35 AM

November 26, 2003

Smells like?

In Chicago it the trash strike made it smell like shit Money

Posted at 10:24 PM

What a Dick

So this guy had a bad day recently. Not only did his penis pump break, but offers for help from others cause bout of brutal rage

Posted at 10:27 AM

November 25, 2003

Kill Kill Kill

aim for the apple fun stuff

Posted at 8:38 PM

November 23, 2003

Why Do Cats Pur? Why do Cats Lick Themselves after You Pet Them

Cats pur to as a signal to either happiness or extreme pain.

Cats have a more keen sense of taste than smell. By licking their fur after you pet them it further identifies who you are.

Just about any meow question I hav ever had is answered by this great article.

Cat Care Tips and Questions

Posted at 8:25 PM

November 21, 2003

I 'm not a dirty whore and I don't like peanut butter

You know she is lying Paris Hilton is a Good Girl

I do not see what the big deal is about the Paris Hilton Video. I have been getting a ton of emails offering the video for free which require me to give credit card informaton. DUMB. I would not put porn on my site, but rumor has it you can find the Paris Hilton video here.

November 19, 2003

Making news just to have it

its all about the music

Eminem is a racist? BBC - Radio 1 - Urban News - Eminem

U2 writes best song ever One

Britney gets a star and Christina doesn't like it

Posted at 12:08 PM

November 18, 2003

I almost worked for Wal Mart

A few months ago I was highly unemployed (as I am today.) I applied at Wal Mart and they were ready to hire me.

The only thing that stood in the way was their long wait, and the shrooms I ate. They were legal shrooms so it can't be that bad right. (only minor hallucinations)

I thought it was funny that they had to drug test me, after I got kicked out of the navy for drugs. Their drug test came back negative. The person who administered it said "Its your choice what you do, I don't even care."

I got to do the math, and they really were paying sub standard wages. It would have been hard to live off them.

Not only did Wal Mart recently get raided for hiring illegal immigrants, but they also aid our productiviity in other ways. Read How!

Fast Company | The Wal-Mart You Don't Know

Posted at 2:01 AM

November 17, 2003

Anticipation vs Action (or Action vs Anticipation)

Earlier this year I have seen The Red Hot Chili Peppers, AudioSlave, Seether, hockey, and a play in NYC. I also have went to the worlds best search engine marketing confrence, and visited one of the worlds top marketers in his office.

So friday I just went to see the White Stripes, who were awesome. In early December I am going to see Noam Chomsky. I feel I always need something on the horizon to look forward to.

I am scared of doing things as I am unsure of what to do after its over. Almost everything I have ever done has been a letdown because life makes sense that way. I actually have a few ties which may make me an extremely successful economically. I have met some girls that I have really liked.

I think though, for the sake of simplicity, I will continually reject both. Life is simple, life makes sense when nothing does.

Thus I can ignore the presant and pretend I have something to look forward to. Anticipation
Noam Chomsky

Posted at 4:18 AM

November 16, 2003

Get a Job You Never Want

I was in the US navy. My existance as a nuclear reactor operator made me suicidally depressed. When I got out I got another job. I was a manager at an inventory company and had to work about 70 hours a week (anything over 40 was charity).

I am so disguisted with corporate america that I will never again work for a corporation. I posted my resume stating this. When I was looking for my resume I searched for Corporate Greed and found a 1 result.

Oddly enough it was not the person who responded to my resume.

Their email stated "FAST TRACK TO MANAGEMENT
OFFICE LOCATION=(Smithfield,RI)

NOW ACCEPTING NEW APPLICATIONS

HELPING SENIOR CITIZENS

One of America’s fastest growing companies is currently seeking individuals
interested in entry-level positions leading to rapid advancement into
management. Nationwide company expansion has created this unprecedented
opportunity for those who qualify. Ambition, intelligence, integrity and a
strong work ethic will lead qualified individuals into management positions
within three months to one year depending on experience and performance. Our
associate managers earn $ 60,000 to $100,000 per year. Our top managers earn
$200,000+.

This is NOT a multi-marketing, door-to-door sales, or a telemarketing position.

For additional information and to arrange an interview, please
e-mail us by clicking on your REPLY button. Please be sure to include all of
your CONTACT INFORMATION (Name,phone,etc.) and refer to JOB#1033A in the
subject line of your reply. "

I am fairly certain it is automated and I am fairly certain they are interested in anyone. Here is their email if you are interested:
BankersLife_CAREERS@msn.com

The White Stripes

They absolutely kick ass. Did not realize how cute Meg White is. So cute...Grrr.
I went and saw them in a club that only holds a few hundred people. Was one of the best 5 nights of my life! THE WHITE STRIPES

Posted at 2:16 AM

November 11, 2003

Care Bears: Lucky Bear

Many moons ago I was a big fan of the Care Bears. My older siblings had a few years on me and did not share my love of the Care Bears.

When I was young they would call the operator and tell me it was the Care Bears. I would say to the operator "Care Bears."

The operator would say "this is not the Care Bears."

I would tell my sibling of the exchange and that they did not dial the Care Bears. They would dial back and I would say "Care Bears."

The cycle repeated until the operator called our house.

Anyway that was many years ago. Today on a whim I purchased Lucky bear, who was my favorite Care Bear. Lucky me, today I also lost my electronic leash. I am just wondering who has my electronic leash or where in the hell I set it. Perhaps the good luck has worn off me.

There are a couple different Care Bears tests. To find out what kind of Care Bear you are try both the

Nice Care Bears Test

Naughty Care Bears Test

Buy the Care Bears: Lucky Bear

November 8, 2003

Call Me Crazy

I still have not adjusted to daylight savings time. When I woke this morning, I did not know what day of the month, day of the week, or even what hour it was. I was pretty sure that it was November.

I thought of this to myself and kinda chuckled. If I were being mentally evaluated many would say I was crazy based on the above. I can't remember any times in my life where I was alone, and still happier than I am today.

Posted at 5:33 AM

November 1, 2003

Give Me a Sign

Apparently a 25 year old male by the name of Rudy Susanto has improperly learned sign language.

He has spent many a night pleasuring himself to the original Britney Spears video. Its not all on the screen though, as he has be accused of flashing catholic school girls as many as seven times.

Last time he gave them his sign they chased him down. Many celebrated, each wanted hit him one more time, as he was brutally beaten in the street!

The Joy of Signing: The Illustrated Guide for Mastering Sign Language and the Manual Alphabet

CNN.com - Girls pummel man who exposed himself - Oct. 31, 2003

Posted at 7:15 PM

October 31, 2003

Why Me?

This blog is going to be a personal public blog about all things me. When I am happy, you will know. When I am pissed, you will know. If nothing else this will give me a place to display my open affection for peanut butter.

some of my other websites

Drugs, Depression, and Antidepressant Drugs
Reform Blog
Search Engine Marketing Info
5 HTP (5 Hydroxytryptophan)
Navy Nuclear Power and Navy Nuclear Submarines

Posted at 3:32 AM
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