July 4, 2005

When the Fireworks End

So the roomie wanted me to go grab some beer, and on my way there I noticed fireworks going off. So I pulled into a parking lot and watched for a bit.

Some of the fireworks were interesting. Others were rather routine.
etc etc etc

And thats how I view many things. Repetitive and predictable. It has been a while since I have challenged myself to find things that were not predictable.

I live in my boxed off comfortable little world where everything works well and I say it does, but it's sorta sad that I still feel I have fallen short of my potential.

I have came a long way quick, and within a few years from zero I am at the point that companies worth hundreds of billions of dollars have asked for my advice. I also think I get to help many people, but I don't usually appreciate most of the things I do or most of the things others do for me.

I left the fireworks while they were still in progress because after they end they are over. And then what's next? By leaving in the middle I don't have to worry about them ending and then not knowing what to do, or the associated drop off in happiness that occurs when a cool event ends and you must look for something else to look forward to.

In all reality the fireworks are not that big of a deal to me and I do not appreciate them that much, but the whole not liking an event to end thing...wishing to be stuck in a moment or whatever...that parallels the way I think.

On another front, I also do not really understand the point of the fireworks, as many of the ideas this country have once stood for now have fallen by the wayside. Sure people can make comparisons about other places being worse, but 1 in 138 US citizens are in jail, you don't progress by comparing yourself to things that are worse off, and many of the things that are worse off elsewhere are that way because of our country.

By leaving that I wonder submerged in some corner in my brain the event remains far more interesting. I don't have to look back and evalutate where I was in error. I don't have to think about the huge hole in the Ozone my flight just caused.

I don't usually dream that much, or at least I don't usually remember dreaming about things I really want to dream about, but with many of the things I do I leave some layer of protection, which prevents me from knowing or ever having to worry about what happens when the fireworks end.

I say that I am living my dreams, but in saying that what I really mean is my sole purpose is to find something to desire or do or believe in, and I have plenty of freedoms that help give me the opportunity to do that, I just need to work a bit harder at looking at what that goal is. Having a dream to be able to dream or find a purpose is a bit abstract and bullshit like. I need to find something to believe in.

Posted at July 4, 2005 10:34 PM
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