September 30, 2006

Sold!

this is a regime
that has something
something to hide
from the civilized world

I have no knowledge
I just don't remember
good question
let me get back to you on that one

collusion is our business
competition for contracts
and starving stakeholders
who can never get too fat

outsource it
and wrap it in a flag
its all a game
and we need new toys

The first 4 lines is a quote from George Bush, referencing Iraq, although this whole poem and especially that quote could apply to any person or social structure.

This a poem about how everyone does really messed up stuff at some point in their lives. Even as our internal ideals and actions depart from one another, or are accompanied by unintended consiquences, we keep pushing our value systems onto others because we feel we must if we are to be successful.

I can't even count the number of times I have lived wrecklessly or how many people have saved my life in how many ways. I am struggling to find balance, but too many people rely on me or care about me for me to live wrecklessly. I ought to be a bit less selfish and shortsighted.

September 29, 2006

Time for a Wardrobe Change

As many readers know, I am known to wear internet t-shirts. I have recently decided to build out my wardrobe to deemphisize internet. My wardrobe now consists of 3 equal parts: internet, Nintendo, and Radiohead.

More to come, soon... :)

September 28, 2006

If the World Was Fair...

If everyone was a bit more like me the world would be a worse place
if everyone was a lot more like me this place would be total rubish

Harrison Bergeron

September 27, 2006

Allrighty Then...

you are doing everything right
and you are doing everything
doing everything right
I look up to you
you are such an amazing person
he eventually got too comfortable and fat
to do anything right

Meeting Cool People

I would never do that
but one time
in the past
a few years back
oh nevermind
well that was in the past
but it is what it is
and I am what I am
and I am better for that

My 12 Step Program

a 24 hours sun
would glow half as bright
and the stars would be
without the night

everyone is like me
until I hurt
then nobody realizes
everyone is like me

unsteady but ready
to make a change
to lose myself
and find my place

step
jump
step step
jump

September 24, 2006

Doublewide

and when I saw a limo
alongside a mobile home
I was certain
of mixed priorities

but waste is easier to define
when someone else does it
if you doubled the size
would I eat it all

Growing Numbers

Today yesterday tomorrow
its all numbers
focus on the number

don't let your eyes dance
focus on the numbers
they work for you or against
stay focused

do what your told
trust the numbers
up and to the right
it is all about the numbers

endless growth
in your comfort zone
endless growth
endless

September 20, 2006

Heathen

more feed
more feed
morephine
and it feeds into itself

hit the button
smile
hit the button
smile

but its gone
was it wrong

after a while
it all melts away
but so will I

September 18, 2006

Sugar Sugar Sugar Sugar Sugar

Hugry?
Ate real food, sorta recently?

Or Thirsty?
Did you drink?

Or Tired?
Slept in the last day or two?

Or Lethargic?
Without exercise?

September 17, 2006

Orange

pushed aside
once again marginalized
no immediate threat
but I'll come again

tainted spinach
won't make me strong
and a drug
won't stop my disease

rip the logic
but you get what you ask for
no immediate threat
but I'll come again

What If...

God didn't need to be pissed at people?

If religion was generally more about compassion and understanding, and less about judgement and fearmongering, would power sources still push it so hard?

Or do they only push it because it teaches people not to think for themselves?

September 16, 2006

Health Care & the Economy

"The most startling fact about 2002 is that the combined profits for the ten drug companies in the Fortune 500 ($35.9 billion) were more than the profits for all the other 490 businesses put together ($33.7 billion)."
- Marcia Angell

But the very real problems with the health-care system mask a simple fact: Without it the nation's labor market would be in a deep coma. Since 2001, 1.7 million new jobs have been added in the health-care sector, which includes related industries such as pharmaceuticals and health insurance. Meanwhile, the number of private-sector jobs outside of health care is no higher than it was five years ago.

...

If medical spending rises to 25% of gross domestic product by 2030, as many economists expect, health care's share of jobs could grow to 15% or 16% of the labor market from today's 12%, based on historical patterns.

Such a shift in employment would require health care to be the single biggest creator of jobs in the economy for the foreseeable future. And while the U.S. could in theory afford to spend 25% of GDP on health care, it's hard to imagine a world in which our children have to choose between working for the local hospital or the local health insurer.
- BusinessWeek

How long until you can just buy pills based on the desired emotion? How long until their names sound like emotions or are emotions?

If taking care of health could cost 25% of the GDP then why aren't their tax breaks for joining a gym or health club?

And you got companies like Doritos pushing consumers to create Superbowl ads, junk food companies coming up with more and more subversive ad formats, - including advergames, while the government is pushing for studies on how media effects people. The truth is, it is all in the numbers. No study required.

Associated link love:
http://www.commercialexploitation.org/
http://www.allianceforchildhood.net/

September 15, 2006

Honest Early

So Saturday my brother is flying back to California. The day after he said he was NOT coming here I bought a ticket to go on a vacation touring Europe for a few weeks. Then a few days latter my brother showed up.

He lived here for about 2 months and I was gone for about a month of it. I never would have planned that to happen. I am somewhat disappointed that this town is so far removed from what he wanted, but it was sorta the same for me when I first moved here. Leaving him here was a somewhat shitty thing to do, and even when I was here, I was usually too busy working to be human.

That too busy to be human shit is for the birds as well. It is not really living. I need more outlets, and I know that I am busy, here is $20 doesn't say I love you. Not nearly enough, at least. And it never did. Ever.

I would have loved to been able to show him more of the world and help him more, but there were too many conflicting emotions running through my family. Everyone had a separate piece of advice and way to help him or me (or both of us mutually), and ultimately I think he and I were tore up from typical conflicts associated with being brothers, and the concept of everyone thinking and saying how I was to help him (also seemingly forgetting that in many ways he was trying his best to help me).

Given all of that, him not being around the person he loved most, him having AIDS and needing medication soon, the web job I gave him being so boring and isolated, (and him getting off of doing some bad things while I still occasionally may do similar things from time to time), if I were him I probably would have resented me (and the associated hypocricy and the whole situation quite a bit too).

I hope I helped him while he was here, but ultimately it is up to each of us to change how and when we want to. If we want to. You can pour endless energy into trying to help others, but if your help is not what they want (and you yourself are far from being who you need to be), or they perceive the world in a far different light than you, then there is going to be some rough patches.

I realized it wasn't working out as well as either he or I may have wished for, but I decided to be honest early and ask him if he wanted a trip back. His plane leaves tomorrow. I am giving him a couple grand so hopefully he can use it to get some stability in his life. He thanked me for giving him stability, but he seemed exceptionally focused on instant gratification (and I guess using drugs for a long time might train you to be that way). I am not sure if stability is what he wants? And, of course, stability is not enough if there are others you love. And realistically I would rather love and be loved in a gutter somewhere than have stability, emptiness, and missery coupled together.

I am fairly certain we are parting on good terms, which might not have been the case if I asked him to endure another couple months of my mixed up and overworked schedule in a town that he did not fuse well with.

All relationships eventually end. People move away. People die. People break up. You just spent a minute of your short life reading this post. The Sun will eventually burn out. Stuff happens. I think it is important that I have social relationships that end on a positive note. So few of mine from my childhood seemed to have. Best of luck Jim. Stay safe.

See ya down the road.

Love ya bro,
Aaron

The Day I Grew Up

Yesterday I turned 27. While I like acting like a kid, the fact is that some of the things I do which once helped me succeed are arbitrary, antisocial, and probably hold me back from the person I could become.

How many days out of the week do I put poison into my body? Probably at least 6.5. And that is pathetic. I know better.

Rather than trying to make perfect sense of the world, or trying to make the world fit what I want it to be, I should spend a bit more time being a person worthy of the resources I waste. And it is only a waste if you do not enjoy it to its full potential. Which I don't on most days. And that is shameful given the resources and opportunities and friends I have.

I have the freedom to be able to travel the world. Even while I was on vacation I think I made more than it cost to be on vacation. Thousands of people read what I write and give me feedback when I am fucking up. I have dozens of amazing friends who are only isolated by geography.

Sure I like a blissful excursion now and again, but how can I tell others that we should live with passion and then sit on the cusp of burnout, poisoning myself each day?

It is overwhelming sometimes to think how we can be so good at some things and so bad at others. But beyond the idea of natural gift the more common flaw is being led by fear. Or just a lack of experience.

Fear, like blinding belief

I need to stop building things up and knocking them down and building them up and changing what I think to fit my flavor of the day emotions. I need to actively raise my baseline such that I can find a way to cross expression and passion in a meaningful way almost every day.

So today there will be: No poison. No judgement.

And more importantly you can't do what you want by only stating what you do not. In absence of purpose poison becomes appealing. Thus today my goal is to appreciate the world more than I did yesterday. And hopefully try my best to do that everyday. Hopefully this is not a passing fling.

September 14, 2006

I am Way Too Needy

I am too needy of an individual. It is a really bad trait when you combine it with a bit (or maybe a lot) of emotional instability, social isolation, being constantly overanalytical, and a history of mental abuse (mostly self inflicted hehehe).

This poem is about having relationship problems with the world, and how trying to see the world too differently than what others see can be suicidal.

The title of that poem is "The Crash" and the content itself is about different types of crashes most people go through

  • a mental one from putting too much stress on yourself, or letting others do it to you
  • an emotional one from realizing how much of your life and potential you wasted
  • an emotional one for feeling that it is too late to change your broken ways
  • an emotional one for realizing how you should appreciate life more than you do
  • an emotional one for realizing how much you will hurt other people if you don't start caring more about living
  • a social one from not being able to communicate clearly
  • a social one from expecting others to be more understanding
  • a chemical one from using too many drugs
  • a physical one from poor diet or exercise
  • a physical one from when the emotion / chemical / mental instability finally catch up with you in the real world
  • death or suicide when you have had too much of any or all of the above

At the end it says "he wasn't clever enough to make it look like an accident" which is another way of saying that rarely are the results of our actions or inactions an accident or surprise, but that when we go against the grain and against the odds eventually the odds catch up with you.

The World of Words

How many different ways can you write similar glowing messages about a holidy you largely ignored for much of your life before it starts to chip away at your soul.

September 12, 2006

Prawned

Owned --> Pwn3d --> Prawned

So I ordered seafood linguini in Amsterdam and the shrimp still had their shells on them (in the linguini dish). I didn't realize at first and tasted a bit of crunch and was like WTF. Then I thought maybe I just bit back to far and bit not so far back ... still crunch. Then I realized what was going on. Poor form. Poor show by me.

I was prawned.

Owned --> Pwn3d --> Prawned

September 9, 2006

Filler

hello
good morining to you
good to see you
how are you
and you
thank you
I love you
your welcome
you have a great day
you have good night
goodbye

nonverbal animal attraction

hello! so exciting to meet you
you too! what do you do
oops, forgot your name
standard procedure
I forget almost everything

I am only ever passionate
about that I don't understand
you won't get close
I like you from afar

if I experienced love
would I still love the idea
or know what it means?

good enough at emulating
that some think I am great
if I didn't feel like a fraud most days

September 7, 2006

Retainer

grinding teath
at ease
and every other week
I go to a meeting

they are going to fix me
make me unbroken
help me be
be a part of society

bring me back to
to the real world
but every error
is another opportunity

September 5, 2006

School

your pants are on backwards
and your zipper is down

a crooked swing set?
quit lying
detention

this chocolate milk is rotted?
just drink around that part

lice inspection
guess who failed
again

what do you mean you can't see
quit lying
just admit you cheated
you are just like your siblings

wow is this kid a genius
why did you stick him in slow learner's class
don't do your homework before I teach you how to

nice shirt
great tie
now tuck in your shirt and tie your damn shoes

close your mouth
chin up
back straight
do you understand me?
chicks are going to start digging you

I bet Aaron would be a fun guy
you like him?
and you like her?
so why aren't you going out?

here is my lunch
on your shirt
detention for you

here is my fist
in your face
a shame I ran away

a drunk
Aaron I am so ashamed
and so am I

scoot back
dirt bag's up
doesn't matter, home run

you have real talent, want a job?
I appreciate your humility
if only I knew what that means

Black Eyes

Through a lense
I view the world
In a way that makes sense

Unafraid to say hello
or much more
but even so
if the passion is non existant
or desire is false
it shows
at least, usually

you can learn a lot
by talking to creepy people
or by being a creep

these old ones are not dark enough
I need a new pair of shades
or to just throw them away

Glossy

Lose 30 pounds today
the easy way

take a look
at the new you

healthy
rich
powerful
cultured
exotic

if I had a million
would I need a billion?

if I had a billion
would I care how I got it?

Nothing @ All

And Some Things
Have to be Broken
for the World to Make Sense

Some Things
Must be
Reduced to Nothing

for Me
to Learn
What They Mean

September 3, 2006

Manufacturing Relevancy

And to what degree
do you trust me
and do you believe
in much of anything
and to what degree

you change
everything you measure
eventually that
will change you

in ways you can't predict

better for some
is only for some
and many things will die
so that you may exist

I hope you don't fuck it up

Hope

you are
a product
of
society

mediator
moderator
instigator
stay irrational

sanity
belief
disease
don't bother me

the patterns
you want
to see
will emerge

as you push
they will
pull
you
in

The IMF

The Washington Post recently offered an advertorial for the IMF, which helps tell you how to think about the IMF

The IMF is not out of the woods: In the absence of crises it is lending less, which puts a strain on its budget. But the IMF is worth preserving, even if perhaps in a new form. The world has few competent global institutions that can help manage global problems, and it would be careless to lose one of them.

Does the International Monetary Fund actually make worldwide economic markets more stable? The Wikipedia article on the IMF is doubtful:
Overall the IMF success record is limited. While it was created to help stabilize the global economy, since 1980 over 100 countries have experienced a banking collapse that reduced GDP by four percent or more, far more than at any previous time in history.

In How the IMF Sank Argentina we get a view of the IMF that reminds us why it still exists

AS Argentina's government was resigning in the face of full-scale riots and protests from every sector of society, a BBC-TV reporter asked me whether this economic and political meltdown would change the way people saw the International Monetary Fund. I wanted to say yes, but I had to tell him: "It really depends on how the media reports it."

So far it looks as if the IMF is getting off easy, again. The Fund and the World Bank -- the world's two most powerful financial institutions -- learned an important lesson from their brief spate of bad publicity during the Asian economic crisis a few years ago. They have become masters of the art of "spinning" the news.


Even when there is no news or controvercy, they are still busy spinning away, reminding the world of how important they are and why we need them.

As one learns more about investment, publishing, and business models; while also increasing their own exposure, it gets quite hard to trust much of the media.

September 2, 2006

Consumed

old and new
stuck in a sand dune
staying warm in a home made of snow

stripped from the elements
keeping warm
focused
on what is good
what is right
and what is important
me me me

rewrite history
and if you can
make them believe
you have a value system
upon which you can trade
slaves

the harder you push
the more they believe
but the more you must make up
to keep selling

stripped from the elements
past the point
of diminishing returns
me me me
slavery

technology and evolution
making things better
one day at a time
transcribing words
that will live after you die

believe me
give me
satiety
me me me
slavery

relationships are removed from random
and the natural order
revolves around profit models
that strip the Earth

you'll soon die

Go go go
on the path
you went
but you are already there

wakey wakey
go go go
more more more
faster
higher
you'll soon die

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