January 6, 2006

How to Feel Like a Horrible Person in 1 Step

Spend an hour teaching your mom how to do something that took you a minute to learn and then after she repeatedly says she can't do it say that "well spend some time hunting around you really need to figure it out" and then hear her hang up the phone while frustrated and crying.

It really makes me question the purpose of life when you try to help people you love and make them cry out of it.

I put myself in a shielded shelter where many people rely on me and I rely mostly on electrons and relationships that are built mostly on electrons...not actual real physical relationships, so when I make my own mom feel shitty I probably will end up feeling like shit for at least a week. Plus it's her birthday soon.

It also reminds me why I would be a shitty boss...I expect way too much of most people because in most every environment I have been in I do more than most people do. Sometimes I think I am more mechanical and algorithmic than human, and it gets to be really easy to just feel numb...which leads to random unpredictible fucked emotional outbursts where I fuck myself over beyond belief.

Really reinforces that does anything really matter? If so, why? thing I think about often.

Posted at January 6, 2006 5:02 PM

word. just started reading some of ur posts right now. interesting views. im matt and im gonna call for the marlboro miles catalog. have a good day.

you know why nothing really matters? its really quite simple actually...its cuz you dont have Jesus in your life...give it a try...

I know how you feel, I constantly feel like I'm a horrible person for every single thing that I do; and Alex the person that commented before me, I have or should I say had Jesus in my life I let it all pour in and wash over me and make mea new person, but in the end my true ugly self came back out and I know thats why I felt unwanted and strangley betrayed by the people in my church.

To be honest I don't think your a horrible person based on what you;ve written here, I think that you may be impatient at times and what you think is expecting too much in people is actually you trying to see the good in people. I myself longed to see the good in everyone, so much so that sometimes I saw things that weren't there.

The reason I longed to see it all so much was because of how I could always so easily see the worst in people and when I saw the worst in them I saw it all reflected into myself only about a billion times more.

You know what, call your mum apologise, because It's the only way you'll try and see that your not a bad person you just need reassurance that they whole world isn't as fucked up as you see yourself.

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