I Want to be Chased...

I Got Drunk!!!
Thurday I got kinda drunk...I think that was only the second time since London. I rarely drink. I rarely do anything except play on the web.

So when I went out first we went to a bar my friend really likes...and then we went to another club that is way too crowded...and then we went to a bar / club that was nowhere near as crowded. It was pretty fun, but I was pretty drunk. <-- bet mom likes to read that ;)

Crazy Drunk!!!
I am usually too energetic when I drink...so I dance around a bunch...and perhaps somewhat crazy like. Lots of people stare at me like I am crazy... but I am not quite crazy just yet...at least I lack proper documentation ;)

Lots of girls dance on me still, even when I am all fat and out of shape and stuff...thats weird. What is weird is that for

• as much as I am so dancy
  
• as much as I communicate on the web
  
• as many people I talk to on the phone
  
• even talking to reporters from a bunch of media outlets
  
• and being on the radio

somehow I am growing increasingly antisocial in most all face to face type situations - drunk or sober.

Practice Makes Perfect!!!
Its probably an issue of practice. Since I do not meet too many people in person it seems different. I am out of my domain.

Dumb Fast Learner
Math being the only exception I could possibly think of to this idea, but I am rather naive at many things and almost anything I do I am worse than the average person off the start. I have a rapid learning curve though and after a short amount of time in many fields people can't believe I am the same person.

Part of that is the belief that I do not do anything good enough...that means that by default I think that I am doing aweful unless I am doing amazing. If I do something amazingly (by normal standards) I think its maybe ok.

Still Socially Stupid
After I came back from the bar I decided to call the girl that I liked a long time ago from Rhode Island. I was delightfully drunk (probably somewhat annoying for her to talk to, but she stayed on the phone)...

One of the things Erica told me is that she liked to be chased. Her actions in the past totally indicated that to be true, but I was never really aggressive. Right now she has a kid. I was not ready for a commitment like that...what would it have been like if I got her pregnant. When I was around her I felt somewhat alive, but for the most part I wanted to be dead for years of my life back then.

Perhaps it is my own mind that was crazily attracted to the chase concept. All the fun of the mating game without having sex or its potential downsides. Also spending time to connect with others on an emotional and physical level would be time consuming and force me to change my worldview a bit...not sure if I want to do that...at least not yet.

Feedback Loop
Any current success I have is dependant upon the drive I have from my own missery and depression. Its really hard to let go of those concepts though, because right now in some weird way I can control them and if I let go then they may somehow come back without me controlling them.

Action Without Thought
Much of many of my days are automated...action without though. Kinda numbing. When I get pretty drunk I usually do not think of too much. Its really the same way as normal, except that drinking gives me an extra excuse to act stupid.

Later in the Night / the Next Day
After I come back from wherever I was I think a bunch. Even the next day or two after while my brain is slightly off I think a ton. That was part of the appeal in the past for drinking or using choice narcotics <-- bet mom likes that sentence

Today
For a while I had a bit of a hang over...that is rare. I also felt somewhat depressed, but from a somewhat different perspective. That depression was other than a numbness too...so it did not feel bad.

A Beautiful Mind
I realize that either naturally, though my experiences (natural and or artificial), my social relationships and whatnot that I usually have a somewhat low serotonin level (or a high ratio of dopamine to serotonin). That allows me to think differently than most people do.

Sometimes it seems like large parts of my actions drive me toward instability so that they can feed off themselves. Like a junkie driven toward the needle I keep myself isolated from people and social relationships.

I feel like I have got burned by most my social relationships, so fuck people, they suck...of course what purpose does life have without them?

So tonight I bought "A Beautiful Mind" and watched it for the first time tonight because I like movies about crazy psychological conditions. They showed a decent amount of the movie from the first person viewpoint to make the hallucinations seem more vivid and realistic.

It took me a long time to believe that the hallucinations were hallucinations. I wanted his story to be true because in the past others have tried hard to bend my version of reality so I could better fit theirs and I was not much of a fan of it. Letting them bend it nearly cost me sanity and my life.

True Story
I did not know that A Beautiful Mind was based on a true story. John Nash won the Nobel prize in 94 from his work in mathematics and game theory ... that same work drove him insane.

He "associated his madness with his living on an "ultralogical" plane, "breathing air too rare" for most mortals, and if being "cured" meant he could no longer do any original work at that level, then, Nash argued, a remission might not be worthwhile in the end." src

John Nash stated in a PBS interview

Somebody suggested that I was a prodigy. Another time it was suggested that I should be called "bug brains", because I had ideas, but they were sort of buggy or not perfectly sound. So that might have been an anticipation of mental problems. I mean, taking it at face value.

There wasn't any insanity though at the time. There were some non-conforming behaviors. I would do odd things one way or another. So there's the total pattern. To some extent, sanity is a form of conformity. And to some extent, people who are insane are non-conformists

Perhaps that movie will prevent me from eventually going insaine... :)

Posted at November 13, 2004 5:56 AM