So tonight I went out with a friend who just passed all his finals...we went to a bar and listened to live music. The singer / guitar player played One by U2.

My friend told me the song was wrote about a son telling his father that he has HIV. In general, and on the whole, I prettymuch grew up without a father. My brothers father died from AIDS. My brother now has AIDS and seems to care little about life. Worse yet, my sister played a large part of the mother role in my life and now she is stuck in jail for a murder she did not do for fucking decades. While she is in jail for some bullshit she did not do she could lose both her father and brother to AIDS.

I was the young third wheel kid who for the most part did just about nothing wrong and had to fucking live through most types of mental hell growing up...and twenty dollars never said "I love you"...I would flush money down the toilet if it meant that I did not have to be emotionally numb to want to live.

And then the navy made it all worse. When the navy went out of its way to fuck me as much as they could I took that as inspiration to speak out against how fucked up the US navy is...and will do until the day I die or they unfuck their organization.

The problem is I can't undue the fucked up stuff that happened to my family in the past. Right now I am out of the navy and doing what one would term as "financially well," the problem is that negative motivation and isolation drove me to whatever success I have become...and the real problem is that I can not let go of those and probably never will.

Without social interactions life has no purpose and yet when in public I try to act bizare to ward off potential relationships of any sort.

What a fucked up world in which I live. A (as my friend and tests term me) "genius" who thinks of suicide many times each year. And I said to myself "what a wonderful world."

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should

One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers