So I am at Disney right now. About to go out and about for a walk.

Yesterday I took a group van to the hotel, and in spite of 3 of us near the back of the van all going to the same place nobody really talked much until someone asked a quick question then I started blabbing and we talked a bit.

One of the girls asked where I was from and
I said central Pennsylvania
she said and ...
I said and what
she said who are you here with who do you work for
I said just me. I am a blogger.
she said can you make enough doing that
I was like yup

I just got my badge and it says "agency" on it. WTF was I thinking when I did that. I am not a schmoozer (although I do have a business partner that is a killer shmoozer but not here) and I have a hard time being interested in business beyond theoretical levels unless I have a deep passion in the topic. I have never been a fan of categorizing people, either...especially when I feel I only became successful when I defied categorization or pushed to create my own category.

Truth be told I am not a mixer really. I get really bored by people unless I really feel I know them, like them, am interested in them, and can trust them.

At business meetings with people you just met that trust thing is going to be a really limited resource...just because business is all about getting ahead, and more often than not it is by doing whatever it takes (to accumulate wealth or influence at the expense of others). So I guess meeting people under the whole pretense of business is kinda not my thing (it's no better than meeting people drunk, but while meeting them you are inebriated by capitalism).

And as much as there is the issue of boredom there is also the issue of feeling fake in myself. I am not all about making money really...I have enough to get by, so me getting deep into business stuff is just blah, like the motivation is not there.

I love music. It is what gets me on from day to day and I think I would like to be a musician because it would be really hard and I have no skill at all, and it is a land full of uncertainty.

I need to work on things that improve my self confidence in things outside of the web and my core business interests, but I have never really had more than a few friends at any given point in my life. Now I guess I have a bunch, but live near none of them.

Outside of business and / or being a drunk idiot I really have limited social contact with others (and I don't drink often anymore). When I do meet new people it usually has to be just a few people and while hanging out with another friend.

If groups get too large I feel drowned out and sit back too far and am too quite. Also many people do not get my jokes, like I usually have to follow them up with "just kidding" because I am too deadpan when I tell them.

I also am quality at creating awkward silence moments. I have yet to meet a person who does that as well as I do. It is not something I intentionally do, it just comes from my thought patterns.

I often skip a logical step in a sequence because I think in patterns that (from my experiences) must be at least sorta rare. I have done things like look at a set of stairs and at a glance said 15 or 33 and saw the exact number of them. Or I look at a waterfall and notice the support beams for the awning have pipes in them that run the water up to the waterfall. Weird shit like that. Why do I think of that? Why does it matter? I presume other people see things the same way that I do when I am soooooooooo pragmatic and over analytical.

I think part of that could be from having to interpret hidden meaning in things. Like not being able to see for a long time (literally being legally blind until half way through high school without knowing it). What is weird is that at times I am almost certain that I not only have poor vision but that I also have a photographic memory. Like on switchboards full of fuses I can just rattle off fuse ratings even if the data and numbers are pointless and without meaning. And this ability also creates awkward silences because other people say things and I pick up on the bits that do not match the numbers I know to be right even if the numbers are trivial in the grand scheme of the situation or story.

That sort of lens I realize is a good thing because it forced me to be able to get the bonus of living two lives for the price of one. Lenses that you can turn on and off are really cool as well, because they allow you to visualize life in multiple ways.

But social relationships also provide additional lenses, and I really am too isolated for it to be all too healthy. And I have had really good times before even at bad points in life...like when I was almost bankrupt and making about $10 a day I still met one of the coolest girls I have ever met. I think part of that was because I was hanging out with a fun friend, and another part was because I think I knew I was pissed off enough at the world to do whatever it took to make my own condition better. I was hungry and that opened up opportunities, not only business opportunities, but also social ones.

Disney is the land of opportunity...or mischief maybe? Off to walk around. I wish I could think of the world as being as magical as I used to when I was 6. I want that back.

But now I am just too fat and comfortable. Maybe I should move or do something else that is really disruptive.

I also feel the world deserves better out of me. I used to work much harder than I have recently and I used to have way more passion. I feel like I have hit a plateau and need to look for inspiration and meaning in life again.