So random.

I haven't talked to Erica in years. I was sleeping at about 10 PM last night when the phone ringing woke me up.

It is sorta weird how every few years she somehow comes into my life before drifting out of it again. She sounds like she is doing well though, so that's good.

My biggest frustration with the call is that she has a boyfriend ;) but I guess that happens when you are fun to be around and super cute.

I don't know if things would ever be the same if we again met. I think I am less depressed and less needy than I used to be, but having a bit of experience in the business world (and further realizing just how scummy many businesses are and how scummy the business structure as a whole is) has made me become a bit more pragmatic in my worldviews as well.

She always mistook my shyness as being a gentleman. Am still rather shy and clueless about girls. But much of that is intentional personal isolation.

Part of my poor self image in some areas stems from

• a fear of being hurt by others
  
• a fear of hurting others
  
• a lack of self trust (how much authority am I willing to trust myself with when I have such a distaste for many authoritative figures once in my life and only succeed when I finally told them all to fuck off and learned to chose authority figures instead of letting environment dictate them for me)
  
• fear of change. (much of my success and over-devotion to what I do is driven from isolation and the need to do well to feel decent...if I allow myself to feel good via other means will I still be ok at business?) I think this one is kinda bullshit though because I can learn really quick and am fairly creative with a highly analytical mind

Not meeting her again means that I have a dream girl and can always say well that would have been cool, but that is a pretty shitty approach...always looking back not forward, and choosing to let ideal options exist over trying to meet people and form healthy social relationships. If I end up in New England again I will see if she wants to hang out.