I have a history of drinking way too much way too often, but so long as I am really happy before I drink that rarely happens. If you drink way too much it is easy to become very primal where core level (perhaps reptilian) thoughts control your actions. Obviously that is no good. So moderation is my friend who I should learn to hang out with more often.

So tonight I went out and was bored to tears. I only had 3 drinks total over 3 hours, deciding to be happy and reasonable and not an uber lush. My biggest problem with the town I am in as far as nightlife is that the clubs either have nobody in them or they are so packed that it is quite hard to just stand.

While I often tell myself otherwise (ie: lying to myself to justify my own stupidity and past actions), I think if I am actively engaged I am quite good at nonverbal communication. It sucks though when all you can do is stand around though. It is totally useless.

And I so have to rely on nonverbal communications to meet new people because I am self employed and meet few people AND my verbal skills are quite poor.

When programming in Basic or Pascal the teachers would look at what I did and say it was wrong or dysfunctional before testing it, yet if you used the program I created it would typically have fewer lines of code than "correct" software and still work.

I remember in high school a math teacher took points off for my work even though the test answer was correct. He wanted me to show more work than I was showing, but I tend to skip steps.

The same thing occurs with verbal communication. I assume others think about the same steps that I do and make notice of the same patterns or correlations I see, when usually people are like WTF until I try to explain the steps in my thought process. Combine that with a low self confidence level, traditionally having poor vision, and most likely a near photographic memory and it becomes easy to see how I create so many awkward silence moments when communicating, especially around people I do not yet know well.

I think that is part of why I do ok with the web. The prejudice it quite dropped and people learn you over time. It is also ok to be yourself and those who want to understand you will, whereas offline I am more prone to being misunderstood and/or growing quickly frustrated.

Recently I have been getting many blog comments on my blogs telling me to fuck off. Maybe online is starting to catch up with offline. Or maybe I have a magnetic (as in repulsive) personality.

In following up with my shallowness of this post, here is my picture on hotornot.

I am at best average, and that is even when I made my hair a crazy cool color. Doah. I also do not smile that much because I always think I look weird when I do.

It is amazing how different people can look in pictures. This girl (who has nuclear and engineering as tags and goes to school in the town where I live - if only she had internet as a tag I would have to bug her) looks like a goddess in her first pic, then pretty cute in the second, and then still cute but not really to the godess level in the third.