How often would you ever get communication from a stranger like this:

Arron: By chance, my last name is Wall, also. I have had problems with depression since 1988. Beginning in 2003, my problems became increasingly more problematic and my doctor put me on a high dosage of Prozac once again. I tried Effector and other meds all to no avail. He also had me on 3 mg of Xanax daily. Finally, I went to a Psychiatrist who told me I had "Prozac poop out", withdrew me and put me on Lamictal. She also diagnosed me with Bipolar I.

I do not totally agree with her diagnosis. I may have a rare, very rare episode of "mania" that would not last more than several hours. I cannot tell if this is just my natural nature of getting excited over things (good things) or what. I am a naturally fast talking Texan and that is one of the hallmarks of my personality which people seem to love. Nobody would ever guess me to be a person with depression. I wear the mask very well.

I have currently taken myself off of all med's. and left my home town of Palm Springs to come to La Jolla, spend four months here losing weight, reintering the world, walking/running on the beach, etc. The Xanax was a bitch to get past; I had been on it for years for panic/anxiety which I no longer seem to have. I am now on the other side of the Xanax withdrawal and somehow feel this medication contributed to the depression. I want to totally redefine the last one-third of my life and I am ready to start. My assumption is that my condition is chronic and I will have to deal with it. The irony of this mess is that the one thing I love is interaction with people. It is the anecdote to my problem yet my problem causes me to isolate. I cannot force myself out the front door. I am not unhappy, I am not happy, I am not sad, I am not despondent, etc. I just am NOT. However, I am tired of watching CNN, etc. for 8 hours a day, having no interest in reading, etc. I should be happy to look out of the window and see the beautiful Pacific Ocean of which I have an unobstructed view but rarely even notice it. This is just not normal. I should be down at the beach, etc. I am sober in AA since 1974 when I was 31 years old. NEVER in my history of depression have I ever considered drinking. This would definitely be a death sentence for me. I need to go back to AA meetings but find them of no real interest. This is just my shit and has nothing to do with the meetings. I know I am rambling but I have never written about myself before and this is like writing about some stranger who has inhabited my body. I would like to have Howard back; he's a pretty good guy to himself, his family and friends.

I am a well educated, 61 years old single white male. Depression has stripped me of almost everything that was part of a wonderful and successful life. I have never thought of self destruction (death) but always feel that there is a new life ahead. I gained over 30 pounds last year and now without the med's I have lost the weight, resumed exercising, etc. However, I have not been able to break the behavioral patterns I developed to cope with depression, ie., isolation, etc. Also without med's, the sexual dysfunction is still here. This sucks.

I do not know what you are looking for on your blog. I was actually looking for an interactive or message board for men in a similar situation. I am NOT a needy or self pitying person. I am a regular guy who loves life and loves people but happens to have this problem. I am certain that there is nothing unique about me. For the first time in the two months since I quit my med's I am having problems (depression not mania) again. I just roll with the punches and stay inside most of the time. This is the part I hate. I am ready to move on with my life but I cannot imagine going back on med's. They are all toxic to me. On med's, I cannot sleep for over three hours. Now, I sleep like a baby...albiet a baby with depression.

I'm not going to edit this or I will change my mind and not send it.

Your thoughts?

Thanks for your reply; I don't recall exactly what I wrote you about given the time since writing. Depression, on any level is a a bitch. The good news is that you can fight back and have a large measure of success. My life took a dramatic turn for the better when I found the right psychiatric help. My Psychiatrist, Dr. Theresa Darling is a young, brilliant doctor, a graduate of Stanford (doesn't get much better) and my partner in battling this mental challenge.

I am including by word attachment a short story I wrote. It is easier to "talk" to my computer than to others at times. I am humbled by an offer to consider this for publication by Harvard. This rough draft you are receiving was a spur of the moment lark I wrote upon awakening one morning.

Since writing this, my life has taken an incredible turn for the better. I have lost all of the weight gained in the last serious bout and work, on a professional level has come out of the woodwork and I see a future does indeed exist.

I have been OFF of all med's for over 6 months and have developed my own coping skills. For me, the med's were worse than the illness. I had been on med's for too many years without success. If I learned one thing I want to impart to others is that depression medications should only be prescribed by a Psychiatrist not a general practitioner. My GP is also a good friend but I let him get out of his realm of expertise. I should have stopped this years ago.

The drinking: I had a serious drinking problem in my 20's and went into AA when I was 31 and have never had a drink since then: 31 years. I am a mystery to all of my medical professionals who always worried the depression would render me weak and I would return to drinking. I never considered it for a moment in the same way I never considered suicide. Neither were ever an option.

I have been self employed all of my life, have been sued countless times, have made and lost millions of dollars, etc. All of this is just life. Depression was the one challenge that I could not mount a successful plan of attack until I fully understood it, got off med's, got the right medical professional, etc.

I don't know if any of this helps but this other Mr. Wall is alive and well in California and has a great life, today. I am hopeful that you are conquering your demons as well.